Numb everyday

Sice Mums’ passing on 27th December 2019 l have struggled, originally l had the funeral and all that involved to focus on, now l’m focusd on Mums’ internment on Feb 14th …My emotions yo yo frequently and l sometimes wake up crying or if l haven’t spoken to her during the day that also upsets me. What l’ve noticed lately is that l’m still numb, don’t feel anything, can’t taste or smell anything, can’t motivate myself to do anything so have to plan…the thought of having to do stuff without her is unimaginable - we did everything and went everywhere together and it feels like a huge part of me is missing and l feel empty all the time. On the plus side, if there is one, my Dr insisted that l have counselling to help me so l contacted Longfields who supplied Mums home care for help so now l’m just waiting…nothing really matters to me and even when l friends over it feels like l’m really having to make an effort and it seems to me awkward but my friends have been understanding/supportive but really if l’m honest l just like being with Mum at home…it’s familiar and safe…like how she made me feel daily and l miss her every day/night/hour/minute…

Hi Lynne
My mum died in mid January. I still often forget it’s happened and pick up the phone, take a photo to send her out momentarily forget she’s not here, it’s like losing her all over again. One minute I’m OK ready to face the challenge, the next I’m numb, forgetful and just zoned out, the next I’m in hysterics. All of those can happen with just half an hour. I broke down on the bus on the way home this week, the tears just wouldn’t stop, no reason other than I thought about the fact I’d never have another hug. Earlier in the week it was because there wasn’t honey for my porridge.

Everyone on here is great, each with a different nightmare, but sadly one thing in common. Just sharing your day; good or bad, is good for you. No one is judgemental, no one tries to tell you what to do they just share what’s happening and offer their advice from their own experiences.

I check in each day… always happy to chat.

I find I can’t talk to anyone about this, no one understands the loss I feel. I’ve lost both my parents under 70 in 8 months. It’sa nightmare of disproportionate magnitude (big words for me). I shouldn’t be here, living with this, I’m not old enough or experienced enough to lose their guidance and unconditional love.

Tell me about your mum… what were her likes and dislikes? My mum was an avid crafter and talented machine patchworker, she was able to match colours in such a creative way. She loved a tipple and the sun. She hated spiders and detested fox hunting.

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Thank you for your reply, it just doesn’t seem to get easier although “time is a healer” …Mum LOVED Elvis Presley, Bee Gees, Everley Brothers music from the 50s/60s, she also enjoyed watching John Wayne, Robert Pattinson (l know - she was going to sit through the Batman movie now l get to do it on her behalf) and she loved animals - dogs especially, we had 3 family dogs Prince, Duke and Lardy and there was one earlier than that Queenie (think she belonged to my Dad back when they first met)…Mum was patient, kind, considerate a born worrier - if she woke up and had nothing to worry about she’d wonder why…Mum loved her family and we did loads of stuff over/through (?) the years - nothing over the top just the simplier things - shopping, holidays here and in the States/Austria/Yugoslavia/Scotland/Greece but we visited Tupelo and Gracelands, Memphis 4 times but nothing beats that first time you went…what turned out to be our last holiday together was to Los Angeles, l have a friend who works at Universal Studios and she made that trip so memorable, again it was the smaller things my friend brought my Mum a Robert Pattinson photo (it doesn’t seem like much but it meant a lot to Mum). I was also Mums carer throughout the years for different reasons - supporting her through her divorce to regaining her independence and helping her look forward, to letting her know she deserved better, there’re so many different reasons that l miss Mum and nobody can prepare you for the loss of a parent when you are so close…some people/family even mentioned that our bond was unique in that we lived together and still enoyed doing stuff together and l never felt that l was missing out on anything…Mum is my life, my World and l have no idea how to get through this…but thank you for asking about her. Like you l yo yo between good moments and the rest and l have been encouraged by Dr and Counseller to continue with my bereavement journal as it helps to get things out…l don’t re-read r write every day it’s just when my head gets “busy” - like a tumble dryer stuff goes in but can’t switch off…it probably isn’t helping that l have been dealing with anxiety isses over the past 5 1/2 years and that has reared its head again…l will admit l’m not normally so negative l just can’t seem to lift myself…but agin thanks, hope l didn’t go on for too long…

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Hi Lynne
I totally get how you are feeling. I lost my apparently healthy, active and funny 74 year old mum in june. 8 months in and I’m still so lost.
We were best friends too. She lived with us and I loved spending time with her. We lunched together, watched tv, listened to music. We love 50s and 69s music and also Elvis. Mum was also a massive fan of Robert Pattinson and I used to cringe when she told me how much she was obsessed by him. She showed no interest in men after my dad died 21 years ago.
My friends dont get it. None of them are so close to their mums and I’ve had one particular friend tell me how she is going to reduce her hours at work so that she can spend more time with her mum.all I’ve ever heard her do is moan about her for 13 years!
There is such a massive mum shaped hole in my life and I have no idea how I have got through the last 8 months. But I have, and you will too.
Cheryl x

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Someone once told me that “they had their mum too long”…l don’t and never will agree with that, you can never have them long enough…someone else (different person) told me as others have that their mum is JUST their mum and they didn’t give me the impression that they would move pass that belief which is sad. You only ever have one Mum and l think being able to have that close relationship, despite how much l’m hurting at the moment, is worth it…l have absolutely NO regrets about the amount of time l spent with Mum or the fact that l made her the centre of my World, l just wish there had been more time…l never imagined my life, my world without Mum being in it…Friday is Mums internment and it will only be close family and Mums best friend and, although it isn’t allowed in the Church l will be laying a rose after…With regard to Robert Pattinson l have started reading the Twilight books and will watch the films as l finish each book - it was something she use to ask me to do but with her…which in a way it still will be. All l can say to you is what people have said to me, take each day with whatever it throws at you and don’t rush into anything or make any changes until you’ve given youself the space you need and l am here if you should want to talk…

Thanks Lynne you too x

My mum loved her dogs. In fact that was our first concern, what happens to her boys (2 dogs) . I’m pleased to say that we quickly found permanent excellent homes, the older with my brother and his dog and the puppy with my mums best friend. She lost her husband 18 months ago and was mums closest friend, they were in each other’s pockets. Now the puppy is helping her come to terms with the world, they are a perfect pair.

She’d be happy that her little man is helping her best friend and that they love each other so much.

Thinking of you today Lynne, hope the day went smoothly and you were able to remember your mum fondly.

Hi lynne
How could anyone possibly have their mum too long?!
How did today go?
Cheryl x

So as some of you know Mum had her internment this morning and the weather held although it was chilly, smaller ceremony with immediate family and Mums closest friend…quite emotional but l had a double plot so l can join her whenever…beautiful spot not too far from her parents next to a lovely tree which will provide shade in the summer. However, we went for lunch to toast Mum after and during this time my baby brother (l can’t believe we’re related) said l should stop feeling sorry for myself…!!! I’m grieving plus l’ve also organised everything and was with Mum 24/7…l’m not the one who couldn’t be bothered to make an effort or made my Mum feel neglected or surplus to requirements…NO l put her first always…l also DIDN’T turn my back on her at the wedding…l have actual memories and l miss her every day and l will NOT apologise for how hard l’m finding things…l’m not used to being selfish or putting myself first…l actually got more support from my Manager then my bother who can’t make time for me, of course if it benefits HIM, well thats when he’ll come round…thinking of me or asking how l feel well his son does that and my nephew also has said he would cook dinner when they come over on the 8th March…but l hope Mum will be happy with her final resting place…just waiting for the Plaque to be placed and then l can put in a Patio Rose…thanks all for asking, sorry l went off course a bit…

I’m so sorry that things have been made more difficult at this time for you Lynne. Look after yourself, grieve the way you need to.

Lynne, your mum will know that you are reading Robert Pattinson’s Twilight books and watching the films, I do not believe that the ones we love ever leave us. I once heard on the radio, that love never dies, it becomes a light which shines from behind the eyes. You had a wonderful mum, I am glad, when you are able to remember all the beautiful things which you did together. I do, when I think about my beloved husband who died 6 months ago today. We had been married for 59 years, his death was so sudden, I started going out with him when I was 17 years old and he was 22. Six months on, I still miss him as much as I did when he passed away, in fact more these days.
Take good care of yourself,
MaryL x

Thank you for your kind words…l never do anything without checking with Mum first, it just doesn’t seem right - it’s still her room and her stuff so l take care when moving or sorting through. I believe, also, that due to the amount of memories we made together that my mind is sifting through carefully so as not to overwhelm me…l know that she would want me to go back to work but it’s getting motivated to do so now l have no real reason…yes there are still bills but all l am doing at the moment is just focusing on getting through one day at a time, l say focusing but all l’m doing is existing…it doesn’t really help that mu sis-in-law is psuhing me to go through Mums stuff and she along with her husband (my younger bother) really only care about the Will and what they may be getting…also said younger brother actually told me to (and l quote) “stop feeling sorry for myself”, l then had to point out that l am actually grieving…unlike him who couldn’t be bothered with Mum even when she was well so there’s guilt on his side…but again thank you for the kind words and l hope you’re doing well. I also believe in the Spiritualist belief that when the person passes the Spirit moves onto a higher plain where they are able to watch over us and continue to guide if needed…it’s not for everyone but l find it comforting…