I’m new to this site. I woke up at my new normal (middle of the night) and stumbled upon it via an internet search. From the looks of it, I am “across the pond” from most everyone else on this board. But since emotions are universal that is no barrier.
My wife of 42 years passed away very suddenly and unexpectedly right before my eyes this past April while we were on vacation. It was a shock that everyone here probably understands.
I wouldn’t have expected the numbness and confusion that I am experiencing at this point in the grieving process. I am beginning to feel the desire to move forward, but when I make attempts to do so I immediately freeze, feel guilty, or simply ultimately find no joy in whatever it is that I am doing. For example, I usually love taking trips on my motorcycle, but my one attempt to venture out this summer ended with me turning around and coming home after only about 50 miles. I just this week returned from a vacation to the east coast because I thought I needed to get away from the familiar. It was fun for a day or two, but again, I ultimately found it to be a mostly lonely and joyless experience. Shortly before I left, I was feeling sad about the prospect of traveling alone and spontaneously decided to set up an account on an online dating site geared for people my age. Within a day I had a large number of responses and felt so guilty I closed the account immediately. I know that emotionally I am nowhere near ready for dating, but am beginning to yearn for a connection. I made a pledge to myself to not to revisit the concept of dating until I had given myself a full year. After all, I need to know that I can take care of myself before I can ever expect to be able to care for anybody else. Still, the prospect of traveling these waters alone for the foreseeable future is daunting.
Everyday I miss her, and everyday I revisit that horrible night that she died. I know I need to relax and be gentle on myself and most of all try to be patient.
So sorry you’ve found yourself in the club none of us wanted to join.
It’s such early days for you, and as it was so unexpected I imagine you are still in shock. I lost my partner in January and some days still feel I am in shock of it all
You sound like you are doing all the right things. Trying to make sense and build a new path for yourself. I think many of us will have done much the same things as you describe to try feel better . I’ve been away, felt lonely in a crowd, and wanted to just give up as nothing has any meaning so many times but we are all still here.
In the early days I was told not to think too far ahead. That was good advice. Thinking too far ahead is too scary. The future I thought I had all gone. I now try to focus on the day ahead.
Keep posting on here. I have found this site really helpful. I also stumbled on it by accident but so glad I did.
@AceHigh Hello and welcome to Blighty. I think you may have found the place you’ve been looking for, we’re all here for the same reason as you, we understand where you have been, where you are at and where you might be going. My wife died 9 months ago, for the first 4-5 months it was hard, but I felt i was inching out of it and then, for me, the shock wore off and it all just came flooding through again. Square one. So I came on here and read and read then got to the point of posting and chatting and it’s really helped me to get myself back, find how to walk with my wife and process how it all ‘maybe’ fits together. I’ve found the connection you’re looking for on here. There are so many different people from so many walks of life but as you say this is universal and everyone on here is willing to help as they can, talk and try and understand. You might find a few problems with cultural references and mindsets but I would just ask, there’s very little offence taken on here. Am i better? No but I do find things easier to accept and easier to make my way, I can see that what I am experiencing is normal and I can ask for help and reassurance if I need it. It will never replace my wife but it’s a good second best.
Thank you for the encouragement. I agree that I am probably still in shock without truly recognizing it. My attempts to move forward have mostly been futile for a reason I don’t yet quite appreciate. I’m just so tired of feeling bad all the time, as I’m sure you can relate to.
Your right, there are no barriers here and we all feel the pain and complexities of grief. Every time I take a step, I am taking a step forward into my new normal. It’s not easy and some days are harder than others. 6 months in and I’m doing ok mostly but today has been tricky. As for dating, I’m not ready for that but I don’t rule it out in the future, I’m young, not according to my kids but 58 is nothing when i could live to 100 (god forbid).
What will happen will happen, when it’s supposed to. Life is like that and nothing is guaranteed!
So sorry for your loss. I lost my husband early June after 50 years of marriage. This site keeps me sane. Grief is universal. I sometimes wish we lived in a culture where it is acceptable to just cry openly or howl with grief when it hits. Have you experienced the brain fog? I think most people on this site have. Keep chatting though the time difference may mean you have to wait for a response some times. Xx
Yes. I have experienced brain fog. I normally read quite regularly but have only managed one book in the past 4 months. I can’t seem to focus long enough to complete one. I still work just a few shifts a month which seems to give me some structure and serves also to make me concentrate. Time difference is of no concern as I only look back every so often. I am also sorry for your loss. It helps to know we are all experiencing many if the same things.
As everyone says, “One step at a time”. Some steps are just bigger than others and some look like you’re leaping the Grand Canyon. This is one of those steps. I’ve also always told my children “Life keeps coming at you”, but never experienced such a major hit. Agreed, 58 is quite young, though it doesn’t seem so long ago that 40 looked ancient. I’m sure that you remember that as well. Thanks for your encouragement.
I’m so sorry you’re going through all this. Be kind to yourself - you’re doing your best in a horrible horrible situation and that’s all you can do. Someone once taught me in sport that when you’re facing a much bigger opponent you have to celebrate your small victories, even if they feel tiny to you - I guess this is a bit like that. You went out on your bike, maybe you didn’t enjoy it as much as you used to but you did it and you’ve got to be proud of yourself for that, maybe next time you’ll ride a little further, enjoy it a little bit more.
Keep talking to people on here. We’re all going through some version of the same awful experience.
Yours isn’t a ramble and I identify with how you are feeling so very much.
I also found the site by accident. I was trying to be positive about looking forward and learning to do things on my own. I filled in a form online, which I thought was to find similar bereaved people who might be friends, and found the site asking me instead for photos for dating purposes.
I have no idea what to do with my life at the moment. People disappeared pretty quickly after the funeral - there are just a few people who have me in their ‘bring forward’ systems to ask how I’m doing every few weeks. I replied honestly to one today to say I was having a bad day with almost a new realisation that he was gone and I would never feel his arms around me again. There was no response. My daughter had said she would visit with the children but instead they are having a barbecue with friends. I feel a nuisance for wanting their company.
We just had our 39th anniversary. We should have had another 15 at least. Now there is just me. I could do lots of things. I’ve no money worries and I am healthy and reasonably competent to travel alone. But today I can’t even go out into the garden to sit.
I am having a really bad time today. I think it is watching f1. We always used to watch together. Suddenly the grief washed over me and I am in floods of tears again. I will never see, hear or feel him again after 52 years. I am also so tired. I don’t think I feel totally safe at home alone at night even though this is a very safe area. All my comfort and security has gone.
I know we lost our security blanket haven’t we ? Cos they were our security i have just met a friend whose husband isnt well and we were discussing another friend whose husband isnt well and she said well it must be hard for her ! Ooh it made me fuming ! I said well its a lot worse when theyre not here at all ! People really dont understand at all do they …
i have just met a friend whose husband isnt well and we were discussing another friend whose husband isnt well and she said well it must be hard for her ! Ooh it made me fuming ! I said well its a lot worse when theyre not here at all ! People really dont understand at all do they …