Hi , This is my first post. I’m not used to opening up about my feelings, being brought up in the stoic tradition so please bear with my rambling around this painful subject.
I lost my wife of 48years just before Christmas, nearly 8 weeks ago. We’d been inseparable since we first met 52 years ago and shared a life full of adventures, and it seems impossible that she’s no longer here with her madcap and random approach to life. She always had a smile and never a harsh word, a real flower power child of the ‘60’s.
We had 4 children, all married and close to us, and now 7 grandchildren.
I was supposed to go first and it was such a shock to learn, by phone, good old NHS sensitivities, that the minor gynae treatment turned into untreatable cancer. She died 5months to the day after diagnosis.
She was a onderful wife and mother who owned her own business and still found time to have adventures with me in travelling, active sport and loved entertaining and being entertained with visits to theatre and the like.
We shared housework but she took the lead. I always got up first and brought tea in bed, discussed the day ahead. We had loads of projects on and planned. This is the nub of my post.
I have buried my self in our projects, keeping very busy. Of course I still discuss everything with her and try to imagine her response. Before she died she wrote me a letter asking me to do certain things, e.g. look after the dogs, which of course is a given, but I feel so confused when I find myself enjoying the task in hand. I bury myself in work, housework, cooking(a new skill I find I enjoy) and keeping her projects going. I find my days are hectic and suddenly taken aback when I realise she isn’t here to chat with, have a coffee or that all important “good night, my love”
Anyway, that’s me done , sorry to ramble, needed to tell someone.
Hi,
You are doing exactly what she wanted you to do so carry on with all you are doing. I lost my mum seven weeks ago and this is the raw stage where confusion takes over our minds We feel angry sad frightened lonely and there is no right or wrong way to deal with grief.
I have sat and cried for days and have also tried to get on with things like you.It is the best way as I was becoming so depressed.Nothing can bring them back and that’s the cruel part. We have to take small steps each day at our own pace to carry on . I also was told via phone from the hosp doctor that death was imminent can you believe.Over the phone for goodness sake !!!
I don’t understand where the compassion is these days
Thinking of you
Deborahx
@Seawind It’s good you have kept busy but it is early days. You may need to take time to grieve. I am 16 weeks in and very busy too now with a new grandson living with me but a friend who had suffered bereavement advised me to let it flow and make time to grieve properly to avoid burn out later. At first this was pretty random but now I take ‘time outs’ to reflect, cry, talk to my wife, usually twice a day. This helps me focus through the day and deal with the sadness of my loss and the realisation she is no longer here.
Hi @Seawind firstly so sorry about the terrible loss of your beloved wife so recently. It really is such a hard loss to bear but you do sound to be determined that you will try to live a life as she wanted you to. I am very much the same even though I had no warning that my darling Richard would die so no time to talk about it. I do know, however, that he would certainly expect me to look after the things which mattered to him to the best of my ability so that is what I try to do.
I think, as @Mike75 suggests, we both need to take time out from very busy schedules to simply think about our loved ones and allow the grief time to express itself. I do sometimes put music on which I know will bring on the tears so there is a release every now and then.
Mostly I am busy and just get on with what needs to be done and I do find that helps me to not dwell too much on what I have lost. I am also a glass half full type of person so see the positives in any situation and I am so grateful that I had Richard as part of my life for as long as I did, even though it wasn’t enough. As our vicar pointed out - no time would ever have been enough when you are with someone you love. Just ask any member on here with say 50 years together. It still wasn’t enough.
I also get confused when I have times without tears and am simply living. I have felt guilty when I am not outwardly grieving but I know that is also normal. It is almost ten months for me and I do find it less painful a lot of the time, although it can take very little some days for the tears to flow again.
I also am lucky to have a faith which gives me the knowledge that one day I will be back with my love and that will be for eternity. In the meantime I will do what I am needed for here and my two daughters need me.
Sending you love and hugs. Keep going and make her proud. xxx
Hi @KarenF , thank you for your comments, and those of the others. It is strange to use technology to communicate thoughts and feelings of the most intimate kind, and although I have several very close friends and family, there is a clearly uncomfortable area that no wants to raise with me.
I am also a volunteer Search and Rescue Officer and my team cover 70 miles of coastline. We are very busy and after a particularly difficult rescue on Saturday night with 25 other rescuers, the release of tension to me was huge, and all the others felt it, a real male bonding session! However, I can hear my wife commenting on her silly husband putting himself at risk. Waking her up at 3am for a shout was always a grumble!
I sometimes wonder at my sanity. I keep talking to her, explaining my jobs and ideas.
I have just sold the Motorhome we had wonderful times in, but again, it was too painful to consider using it.
Anyway, thanks for your kind words and I hope that you too are finding the energy to carry on.
Kind thoughts
Hi Seawind.
Just read your post .Just want to say keep posting on here as people really understand the grief we are all experiencing. It certainly helps to write things down knowing there are people who don’t judge you or say stupid things to you. You will get so much support on here.
Thinking of you
Deborah
@Seawind
I hope you will feel comfortable enough here to say whatever you are feeling at any time, I have always found it to be the most supportive, non judgmental place to chat.
It sounds as if you are still incredibly active and your volunteering puts my helping at a craft club for older people well and truly in the shadows! 
I feel sure your wife was proud of what you did even if she didn’t admit it. Who wouldn’t be? She will be watching over you without the need to be woken or the worry of not knowing what you are doing at that moment.
Sending love xxx