One Foot in the Past

I lost my beloved mum 12 years ago, my husband walked out 10 years ago and I lost my beloved dad 8 years ago. It all happened around the same time.
I’ve since moved back to where I grew up and have gotten remarried and my littlies are growing up. However, I’m finding happiness elusive and I recognise thay I’m living with one foot in the past, yearning for a time when I had my small children and my parents and the family home had not been sold in order for my dad to move closer to me (strangely enough, I don’t miss my ex - go figure).
I was adopted, from a baby, and my parents were the centre of my universe, we were very close and wer spoke most days if we didn’t see each other. My parents lived in tbe family home for 45 years and I miss that house and the good memories. But I think I’m confusing good memories with a desire to relive them. I see that this is bad for me (had I inherited the house, it would’ve become a shrine (possibly)) but I’m not sure where to go from here, how to effectively let go of what could’ve been and enjoy now. Any advice?

Lately I have noticed myself re-thinking about my past. My parents and grandparents now gone and the Christmases we spent together when my children were small. Nan’s mince pies were to die for and she wouldn’t divulge her secret. My life over the years is coming back to haunt me. I had a dream about a previous partner, we broke up just before I met Brian and now thinking about him and what has happened to him, is he still alive etc. My first husband the father of my children has now got Dementia and I am in touch with his wife and sometimes talk to him. It makes me so sad. He was an extrovert Teddy Boy and full of life and the best jiver ever, now an old man losing his mind.
Not quite sure why I am thinking so much of the past. I don’t think we can let go. I am just going with my thoughts and hopefully they will cease in their own time.

It is said that if we live in the past we can have no future. Sorry, that may sound unkind, but it’s not meant to be. The past is gone. There’s not a thing we can do about it. The future we know absolutely nothing about. Most of us here are aware of the suddenness of the realisation that the end is coming to someone we love. The only time we have is this moment, the NOW. Memories will come, of course they will, but allow them to pass like a cloud crossing the sky. To dwell on the past is not good for our minds and can so often destroy hope. Hope for a better time ahead is not just a dream. It can come about given time. How much time varies from person to person. We will never forget, but we can learn to lead lives free from pain. Our loved ones would have wanted that.
My wife had dementia at the end so I know what it’s like. It’s about one of the worse diseases possible.
In The Old Testament Lot’s wife looked back and look what happened to her!! Once again, this is so difficult and everyone will adapt in their own way. But there are healthy and unhealthy mental attitudes as there are physical ones.
Of course I think about the past but I don’t dwell there and I’m not going to live there.
Good luck to all.

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Of course your right Jonathan. It’s the future we must concentrate on. I’m usually a forward thinker. I think we may go back to our past because it becomes a comfort blanket when we are feeling a bit lost and alone. It takes us back to happier times when we had family around us, a loved one, when we was younger and never visualised the grief we are now going through and how our lives have changed.
It does no good though, I agree. Hope has become an important word to me these days, I ask for hope every day.
Take care

We hold onto our memories because they bring back the loved ones we have lost in full. The problem with living in the past is that we are in danger of turning them into fairy tales.bottom line is your Dad sold the house to be near you, because his love for you moved with him it didn’t stay in the house. A house is but brick and mortar a home now that you take with you wherever you are, you have your parents and your home and your sense of belonging with you because they are in your heart . You don’t have to relive them , you have new ones to make with your children based on the wonderful foundations that your parents instilled in you with their love. Think about your future memories and simply remember your old one, tell you children them this will help them to connect with your parents and you. Take care.

Thank you Silverlady, that actually does help. :slight_smile: I know I need to shift my thinking, but I’m finding it so hard. I’m always thinking that “if I had that house (or if it was back then), things would be better, yadda yadda yadda” and I get caught up in it. It was such I loving place and I know things wouldn’t be all great - there are things I have that wouldn’t have happened had I lived there.
I think though, i keep wanting to be back at certain times simply cos i want my parents back… i find it so hard to function without them. They wouldn’t want me being like this.
Your words have helped though. Thank you

Hi I’m glad didn’t want to come off lol preachy. Your missing your parents not the house, I’ve been there with my grandparents (they half raised me). Especially when things in your present life, we all want to go back to an easier time and place a place of no responsibilities, where we felt safe. You will work thru it x

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