I lost my partner unexpectedly 13 weeks ago from a heart attack.
I was invited to go to a gig last Friday by one of his friends. It was going to be a night away but he said he would arrange tickets, accommodation and would drive me there if I wanted to go. I knew it was going to be a big step but I decided I would go. I would know other people there and knew my partner would have wanted me to go.
The actual travel down and staying away was ok, but being at the gig without him was really tough. I truly understood the saying “lonely in a crowd”. All I wanted was him by my side.
Since I’ve been home I feel like I’ve taken one step forward and two steps back. All I’ve wanted to do is cry. I thought going would make me feel good. That I was carrying on doing something we both loved for both of us. Instead it’s just left me with another blow of knowing that my life is never going to be the same again. I know if I hadn’t gone I would be wishing I had.
I keep trying to tell myself one step at a time, and that’s what I am doing but each step is so hard sometimes I feel I’m not any further forward on this awful journey. Does anyone else feel like this?
I’m about on the same timings as you. I have lots of friends nearby and we used to go out to the pub etc with them. I am now being included as everyone appears to feel sorry for me, well I suppose it was rather sudden and he was only 63. Even though I sort of enjoy myself when I’m out I now find that I have about 3 dreadful days afterwards where I can’t stop crying and feel how dreadful my life now is. As you say it feels like one step forward and then two back. I suppose we just have to carry on and perhaps one day it won’t feel so awful.
@Doughtyj
I’m 13 weeks in too. You tried that’s the important bit. You did it, you went. The trouble is we can’t see the future so won’t know how each event is going to effect us. Don’t be hard on yourself. There will be many things that will knock us back but there will also be many things that will project us forward.
Ali
@Doughtyj
I think you should be proud of yourself for going . As you said, your partner would have wanted you to go and you did it in his honour.
Sadly, reality hit when you got home, as it does, and you feel you have taken a step backwards. It is so very hard to accept our lives have now changed forever.
I am six months in on this awful journey and can say, yes, it does get slightly easier but it is only because we are learning to live differently .
You did well to go and you were doing something for both of you.
Sending you strength and peace xx
Thanks for your support and kind words @Guineapig65 @Ali29 and @Alir
I am glad I went. Every step is hard, but if we don’t take them we’re never going to move forward. That’s my way of thinking anyway.
Sending love to you all xx
Not easy but you did it!
G. X
@Doughtyj I know how you feel - the lonely in a crowd bit. Also, even after a good day or night out the turning of the key in the lock always hits home at the moment. You’re doing so well tho’ be proud of the small steps 
- concentrate on them and just know that in time you’ll look back and realise what progress you’ve made. Best Wishes.
Good for you for going.l know that lonely feeling of being with other couples on your own.it reminds you of what you have lost.but your so right.if we dont do it.we are never going to move forward & everything changes & passes with time.love xx
Yes I do feel like this too. At the May Day looking at the Morris dancing he loved I felt so alone even though his son and grandsons were there and bumped into a long lost walking pal I still felt I had to go a bit early as it became too much.
And I say this one more step along the road I go keep on travelling the road etc which is lines in an old fashioned song we used to sing somewhere.
The singing is trying to force myself.
If I forget the words I try to hum myself on. So sometimes I think there is all this to do on my own. So go and put my cup away then I say one more floor swept to the door and one more weed pulled out let’s a seed grow blaa blaa blaa. That is when I get this inertia and was then a mad scramble as the telephone engineer had to come and I thought whatever have I been doing look at what I haven’t done as if he cared.
But I thought what a mess I was in.
So did a bit. Then thought well no one is coming yet so I don’t have to do it and then just sat in the garden.
And do it goes on around sometimes.