I often wonder if people are insensitive because we appear to be coping ok. I never know what to say to people when they ask me how I am - they would probably be horrified if I truthfully said that I am really sad and miserable and don’t know who I am any more. Normally I just say that I am coping.
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I wonder when we reply that we are fine or coping then are we partly to blame for others presuming that we are ok?
I don’t get asked often now but I say “sh** is a good description but I’m plodding on.”
Tell them how you really are feeling —tough if they don’t like your answer.
G. X
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Hi . I actually told my work colleagues how bad I felt . I told them I feel like my life is pointless and I am only living waiting to die and be with my hubby . They just told me to shut up and not talk like that . So now I don’t say anything to them about how I feel . But they annoy me when the say . Have a nice weekend . Or as we finished for the holidays , one said to me enjoy your holidays , I know you will you always do . i really felt like saying to them . NO I don’t have a nice anything now or enjoy anything now without my hubby . But I didn’t . Xtake carex
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It can sometimes be dificult to put feelings into words.
We are probably all guilty of accepting someone’s reply of “I am fine, thank you” and not bothering to ask anything more, usually because we don’t want to pry and sometimes because we want to believe the person is fine.
My son Andrew, who died just a year ago had an agreement with his boss that which ever of them died first, the other would do their best to take care of the family who was left. Andrew’s boss kept in touch on and off for two or three months and then once he had reclaimed all that was his and happily accepted some of Andrew’s personal possessions, he has not been in touch.
The hardest things to accept have been that he did not even acknowledge that Monday was the first anniversary of Andrew’s death and he never passed the donations made by Andrew’s work colleagues to our chosen charities.
Always remember that actions speak louder than words!!
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Hi Beth123
I am so sorry for your loss. That is awful about your Son’s boss. My Husband’s three best friends were the best men at our wedding 2.5 years ago and I have heard from all three of them a total of twice since my Husband passed away. Such good friends - not
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I only reply because I have been so hurt by people … and I relate. then I feel horrible about how much I might have hurt my deceased parents why I come to this board.
horrible guilt. I miss them badly. two close friends died … my support system gone.
so those people who HURT it really hurts BAD. I know how you might be feeling.
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I agree, someone who i went to school with was told by my partner about my mum and dad, she sent me a card, but before that it was my 60th birthday, no card from her,no text or phone she didn’t even come to my mum’s funeral, i have heard nothing,so it was her birthday a few weeks back, so i didn’t send her a card or message, childish some people may say, but someone who i have known a very short time has been there for me and listened when i wanted to talk, that’s a true friend
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A common experience for us on here unfortunately.
The card would have made her feel less guilty I’m sure.
When my husband passed last year, we held a private service - nothing to do with restrictions- but because we didn’t want “false friends, neighbours or relatives” attending.
Yes, they sent cards but haven’t seen or heard from any of them since. And I don’t intend asking for help just to boost their selfish egos.
I have a cousin , a church elder,less than 5 minutes away who has never been at my door.
G. X
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I’ve had multi bereavements other the past year even the dog had to be put to sleep in June. I recently met with what I thought was a good friend to whom I’ve always supported in her life- thu divorce / moving/ money problems/ and her bereavement of both a new partner and her dad. She only contacts me when her needs are great, never mine. Anyway I took her for lunch but since my bereavements I’ve been struggling with noise issues and as the restaurant was so crowded and noisy I had a panic attack - I wanted to be outside to get the fresh air , she got so annoyed and said she would never eat outside, I replied I can’t be indoors with all those people laughing and shouting in talk, it’s the first time I had tried to be in a restaurant, she got so angry with me it just made me feel worst, I really thought she would understand , it took at least a hour and me spending a lot of time in the toilet on my own may I add before I could commit to return to the restaurant area . At least she had the decency to find another table in a corner / quieter place but she ate like no torommow and didn’t even ask as to whether I was feeling better and able to cope. And guess who couldn’t eat ? and picked up the hefty bill for the meal and all the wine she drank because I was driving/ me!! That day has proved that she isn’t the friend that I thought I had , I so wanted to say you could of supported me I am grieving and so unwell but you know that as you have just witnessed me having a panic attack, you have known me for nr on 30yrs and have always known me as a strong individual, now I am vulnerable-WHERE WERE YOU - when I needed you for a change. Seems people and those so-called friends aren’t what we think after all Much love and hugs to all of you who like me have been so bitterly let down by so many who we thought would care about us karen77 xxx
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It certainly does. Even worse closer to home, it brings out the worst in so-called family. I can’t believe the callous behaviour of my own blood.
In fact I found more kindness from strangers and those who I thought were acquaintances. Neighbours can be lovely, with quiet little offers of help. Like one couple who live near me, the husband kindly fixes things for me. Another, a widow, introduced me to her social group, where I made friends.
But some in my own family and husband’s family have been very nasty. I will never forget that. They will find out one day what it feels like at night to cry alone.
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I am sorry, that was such a painful experience for you. Yes noisy crowded places are frightening when you are feeling so vulnerable. You need quiet and a friend who just listens while you make sense of what life has done to you.
Thank you , you are so kind to understand, this grief journey is a tuff, miserable and exhausting.I suppose I expected now ex-friend to understand because her partner died 4yrs ago but she didn’t and I am fed up to the teeth of people saying well your mum had a good innings! She as my sister did had painfull agonizing ends which I had to watch , thus my panic attacks . Still we find out who are true friends are when we are vulnerable don’t we. All care to you love karen77 x