One year on

#1

Can hardly believe in a few days time it will be the first anniversary since my Mum passed away. I have had some truly dreadful times but thought I was finally getting more calm and accepting of what has happened. I lived with Mum and miss her still so much. What I thought was loneliness at first I know now to be just feeling completely alone at times, even when I am with other people.

In the last year I have found out who my real friends are, the people who just let me talk, moan about life in general or just sit and keep me company. Likewise, the people who I thought were kind who once the funeral was over have ignored me completely. The family member who I have always known was ‘difficult’ who kept up a barrage of rudeness and abuse throughout Mum’s last few weeks and is still continuing their campaign.

The build up to the anniversary is awful. I can’t sleep again, past 2am at the moment and am lying listening to the rain outside. Today is one year on since poor Mum had a syringe driver put in to ease the pain and we were told she had a few days left.

Somehow I will get through these days but I just wish I could go to sleep and wake up in a weeks time knowing the anniversary is over.

#2

Hello Mel There must surely have been times when you thought maybe you didn’t have the emotional strength to get through this 1st year. I know it’s very little, but I do send loads of compassionate thoughts and kindest wishes. Did you manage to do the little garden for your Mum in your new home that I remember you speaking about?

#3

Dear Tina

Thank you so much, it means a lot to me knowing someone out there was reading this last night. I eventually got about four hours sleep I think not that it has helped as still feel exhausted.

I hope to be moving in the next few weeks and have plants dug up from the current garden and in pots ready to transport. I just hope they survive the journey. I think the worry over moving and packing things up is not helping. There is so much to do, I am leaving the family home after over 50 years having known no other.

Mel

#4

Hi All,

Am now one year and one day down the line. The actual anniversary was not as bad as I expected, the anticipation was the worst though did have a couple of wobbles when out. Lay and had a good cry on the bed at one point and felt much better for it.

My ‘difficult’ relative came to stay yesterday and difficult they may be but it was still good to have that company last night.

Mel

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#5

Hi Mel, its coming up to the 1st year anniversary of my dads. I don’t know how to cope, I put a front on but I am screaming inside. Have you any tips of how to get through? I’m getting desperate! You seem so strong!! X

#6

Hi Beamer

Thank you, it is so nice to be described as strong as I feel as weak as water some days!

I found the anticipation of that first anniversary day was the worst. I am self employed so easy to take the day off work, I make the decisions on that, no one else. I would recommend a days leave as no pressure then to put on a front for others.

Do what you want to that day, don’t be afraid to say ‘I don’t want to’ if asked out or to do somehting you don’t fancy. Explain why and people will understand.

It is tough but all things considered it is just another day and it will pass. You will be surprised, suddenly find it is lunch time, then tea time, then supper and bed. Look at it as little chunks of time rather then a whole long day and congratulate yourself with each bit you get through.

For me the sadness of the day will always be tinged with some relief as my Mum was no longer suffering and in pain. It broke my heart to see her so sad and a shadow of her former self and now I can concentrate on remembering the happier times, the laughter and the fun we had together.

You take care of yourself Beamer.
Love
Mel

#7

Hi Mel, thanks for ur kind words.

Sorry that you had to watch your mam go in that way.

I will try and do what you suggest. My brother lives next door,he has suffered with depression and anger problems since he was young. So you can probably guess how I’m trying to cope.

Big hugs beamer x

#8

I’m glad you got through it ok, Mel. I certainly found that the anticipation of the day was worse than the day itself. But for me it is a day for making sure I am occupied in some way.
It seems to me that any of the normal stresses of life - in my case looking after a relative with Alzheimers for example - seem to highlight the fact that Andy is not here as he would have been so involved, whether it was talking it over or actually doing stuff with me. I don’t know a real answer to that but it does explain why it seems to suddenly hit worse at those times.