You would think our minds would be so helpful to us but they can turn on us, especially in grief. We need to endure the pain, but we should question the suffering.
There’s the story of a woman who was doing errands with her son and her husband one Saturday morning. She made a lunch date with a friend. As they were doing errands, she said to her husband and son, “I’m going to go have lunch with my friend now; I’ll see you guys later.” They separated. The husband and son went to lunch and she went to lunch with her friend. The husband and son were killed in a horrific car accident. The woman had to deal with the death of her husband and her son. Do you think her mind said to her, oh my goodness, what a terrible loss; we’re going to be so kind to you, we’re going to be so easy on you, we’re going to have so much compassion. No, that’s not what her mind said. It said if you hadn’t gone to lunch, they’d still be alive. That’s one example of how our minds can turn on us.
If you saw a friend of yours crying because their loved one had died. Would you ever go up to that friend and say, by the way, if you hadn’t gone to lunch, they would have lived. Would you ever to say you probably brought this on yourself to someone who was divorcing or found out their loved one had betrayed them. So, think of how cruelly we can speak to ourselves and think about we can be more kind. Try to be aware of your thoughts. What are they telling you about your loss? Is your mind turning on you? Is it causing guilt, blame, self-blame and regret? Try to reframe some of the things it’s saying. Question your thoughts and question the stories it tells you. They may not be true.
6 Likes
My husband died whilst away at our holiday home, I was home, I felt horrible for not having been with him when he had a heart attack though I got there asap - I sent the the neighbours to check on him after he wouldn’t answer the phone for an hour and they found him dead of a heart attack. First few days I was in total shock and with PTSD. A couple of weeks ago I have had a “friendly” person tell me “why weren’t you with him at that time? ”. As if my mind hadn’t flooded me already with guilt, there are apparently plenty of people whom you might thing should know better willing to kick you in the teeth when you are at your most vulnerable with stuff like this. I started crying hysterically telling her how dared she tell me that and then she changed tune.
5 Likes
PS I didn’t convey this clearly, what this person said was along the lines “why had you come home just because you had to work? you could have been with your husband on his last day and maybe done something to prevent it”
1 Like
People can be very insensitive at the worst times. They obviously haven’t had a tragedy like that happen to them. Tell them straight that it’s unhelpful unkind and also nonsense. We beat ourselves up without getting a beating from others.
4 Likes
Hi @Anita_66
I can’t imagine why anyone would say that. I’m flabbergasted. Just wanted to send support your way 
2 Likes
Thank you TigerLily! I think some people simply don’t realise the level of pain and anguish we are in and don’t think before opening their mouths, but it was really hurtful at the time!
2 Likes
It’s very true the saying if someone hasn’t gone through the same thing themselves then they have no idea at all what it’s like to lose your soulmate your best friend and your only friend xx
3 Likes
That’s an awful thing to say , as we blame
Ourselves enough for being unable to have been by their loved ones side but unfortunately it can’t always be so my heart goes out to anyone in that position as I am myself my lad was killed at 19, 19 nearly 20 years ago this September 
.
awful thing o have said to a greiiving
3 Likes
@Wilson9 that’sa powerful post, and probably something I needed to read.
When the passing is from a suicide, it’s even worse, as your mind can end up quite vicious. Going over what you could have done to prevent them from making that decision to end their life. Blaming yourself for them making that decision.
As what happened to me, first partner ended his life, and we had actually broken up beforehand, only 3 weeks before he made that decision. He initiated the break up, but I agreed it was for the best. He then changed his mind but I didn’t want to go back. Then it happened.
To be fair, it was the reverse, everyone has been so kind, nobody blamed me, and that he was inclined to do it anyway (he had two previous attempts) etc etc.
But that didn’t stop my mind from connecting the dots = the break up led to his final decision. His mind turned against him and he put a stop to it, but it was the start of my mind turned against me for a long time.
And now, here I am again. Watching my current partner - the second one go - slowly die in front of my eyes, from a fast acting cancer. And there’s nothing I can do about it, especially as he wants to go (again, another partner that wants out of life)
4 Likes
Thank you all for posting.
These are some of the upsetting thoughts I’ve had in grief. I’m sure there are many more that could be added to the list.
I could and should have done more to save them.
How am I going to live without the one person I can’t live without?
Life was so good when they were here and now it’s immeasurably worse.
I’ll never be happy again, I’ll never love again, I’ll never even laugh again.
Part of me died with them.
My life has no meaning or purpose without them.
I’m half a person now struggling to live life literally without my other half.
I’d give up everything I have, including my life, if I could spend just one more day with the one I love.
Eckhart Tolle says we are not our thoughts; we are just the observer of them. He must be right because if we are our thoughts, why would we be so cruel to ourselves?
4 Likes
Thanks Kimmy! So sorry to hear about the loss of your son.
1 Like
Hi Anita, I am amazed that anyone could have said such a thing. It certainly sounds deliberately rather than unintentional. My wife beat herself up for going to work when her mother died in hospital. If we knew what was going to happen how many things we would change. Unfortunately we have no idea.
I am sorry you had to hear such rubbish from a friend.
Wishing you all the best
Tom
2 Likes
Thanks Tom!! If I had known my husband was going to have a heart attack I would have taken him to hospital to have a stent immediately no matter what! A sudden death is incredibly shocking and painful but people can say the daftest things sometimes – the problem is when one is grieving it is very hard to take. Wishing you also all the best!!
1 Like
I was away for two nights and came back to find my partner dead, lying in the kitchen. I feel so guilty. That’s a horrible thing for someone to say to you. I’ve been told to try and concentrate on the positive and happy times in our long relationship. It’s hard though. Take care
3 Likes