Out of nowhere

Gosh today was a really tough day. 18 months tomorrow & sideswiped with uncontrollable sadness. Couldn’t stop crying but managed to get myself together to face the day, glad it was sunny as I could hide the swollen eyes. I sometimes feel like I’m treading water, each day is a battle but today was like total sob your heart out. Our grown up married girls are a great support but they’ve got their own battles tomorrow being Father’s Day so I try & keep it together for them. I just miss him so much & it gets harder as others move on. For anyone else struggling you’re not alone x

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Hi Jodel712,
I totally understand that sideswipe feeling which comes from nowhere. This morning at the supermarket I had to queue for the first time in ages. I was between two other ladies on their own and felt not out of place. Then at the same time their husbands appeared to join them in the queue, obviously having been to sort out the parking just as my husband used to do. I suddenly felt so alone and had an overwhelming longing for my husband who died suddenly a month before your husband. Somehow I fought the rising panic and did my shopping but the constant loneliness and sadness is exhausting and really does get harder. It is just like treading water with no land in sight.
As for Father’s Day, well that’s just salt in a very open wound. Hurting for our ‘children’ as well as ourselves for what should have been.
Thinking of you. Xx

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Dear Jodel712 and Jobar

Treading water is a good description for how I am feeling. It is so exhausting Battling the loneliness is hard enough without the constant reminders of what we have lost whether it be the supermarket visits or holiday advertisements on TV.

Our two kids are struggling - first Father’s day without him. Remembering the happy times they shared last year and wondering how 12 months later we are instead arranging to spread his ashes. No laughter, no hugs, just pure hurt and for us as mother’s the agony of being unable to take away their pain.

xxxx

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Yes, the first Father’s Day for my two kids as well. A visit to the churchyard- so different to last year. Heartbreaking

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Dear @Jules4 @Sheila26 and @Jodel712,
The contrast between this day and previous Father’s Days is so painful. I honestly don’t remember the first one last year without my husband but then I don’t remember a lot of things now.
We never made a big thing of it but our boys always wrote a card with lovely words expressing their gratitude to their dad who they genuinely believed was the best in the world. Unlike previous generations they were never lost for words or shy. The one thing I hold on to is that my husband knew how loved he was.
None of us ever imagined how life could change so horribly in an instant and I find that shock distorts everything now. I’m not sure which is more painful - looking backwards and remembering so many happy times which have gone forever or looking forwards and trying to imagine a future without the person who made it possible.
I’m thinking of you all. Xx

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Thank you, yes I agree. Looking back is so hard but looking forward is harder still. As my children are now young adults, we weren’t always all together for Father’s Day but having their dad here to talk to, message and send cards to was so important. He was such a fantastic father throughout the whole year. I just feel so sad for them but I feel so sad for him as well. Like you say, he knew he was loved so, so much and my kids know how much he loved them and that is the only slight comfort that I have.

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Hi Johab, today Father’s Day has been awful , it’s only 3 months since I lost my hubby , he just never woke up . I’m beyond grief we are a very close family my daughters my wonderful grandchildren we are absolutely devastated . My daughters have rang me sobbing asking why their dad isn’t here , my grandchildren have called over to see me , but it’s not the same the only person we all want is Dave . He was a wonderful husband Dad and granddad. He had fought a very aggressive cancer but he won he had been in remission for 2 years and his tests had come back all normal only 1 week before he died . Father’s Day was a day we all celebrated but it’s been awful . This Road of Grief that we are all travelling along is long and testing , I cry every single day morning afternoon and night , I know I’m not depressed I am jus so very sad . We where together for 59 years we met when I was 15 and he was 17 . He was my first and only love . I feel like I’m not living I’m only existing. He wouldn’t want me to be like this but it’s so hard .

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the past and the future are equally painful for me. I try to not thinking of both. But then I’m left with a life without meaning and joy. I wonder if this is a life worth living.

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It is my version of hell. The person that was my everything- my love, my joy, my security - is not here and I am having to watch the pain of the other people that are important to me. I can’t think of a worse position to be in.

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