Overwhelmed

Hi,
I lost my wonderful mum very unexpectedly in the middle of April. She had been poorly for a couple of weeks and although she wasn’t eating well we didn’t think it was in any way life threatening. I took food to her and my step-father every day and saw her through the window but couldn’t see her properly. She was admitted to hospital and then we were told that she was very poorly indeed . It was very difficult to get information from the hospital (they would ask us to ring at certain times saying a doctor would be available but then we would be told to ring back and this would be happening 4 or 5 times) and mum stopped sending and reading messages so we didn’t know what was happening. After nearly a week I contacted the hospital manager who got in touch with the sister in charge of mum’s ward and finally a doctor phoned to explain what was wrong with mum (severe kidney infection) but that her condition had improved and they were hopeful that she would recover. Unfortunately 5 days later my step-father rang me early in the morning to say that mum had died of sudden heart failure. I can’t bear that I was unable to see her until after she had died and that she didn’t have anyone with her who loved her.
I am so totally overwhelmed with sadness, anger, despair and feel so lost. Although mum was 74 she was like someone in their 50’s and i just can’t get my head around the fact that she is gone. I have been going through a divorce for the past two years (still unresolved) which has proved unbelievably difficult and stressful and now my mum, who was so immensely supportive, has gone too. I tell myself that this will get better but it feels so incredibly painful and impossible to deal with.

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Hi ali1,

I cant say I understand your particular circumstances but I also lost my mum suddenly last june and am still struggling to come to terms with it. My mum was also 74 and although she was struggling with newly diagnosed rheumatoid arthritis mainly affecting her hands and wrists, she was also very young acting. The week before she died she was landscaping our garden with cotswold stones and carrying home 6 bottles of wine a day home from tesco as they were on offer and we were going away in august.
In June 13th she had a sudden severe bleed on the brain, never regained consciousness and died the next day. My mum lived with my partner and daughter and I. Not so we could look after her. So she could help us with childcare.
The shock is ongoing and the sadness, truly unbelievable. Next weekend it will be 1 year since it happened and I cry every day for her, for us, for what was supposed to happen in her last 15 or 20 years. I will never be the same person and I just wanted you to know you are far from alone. The only difference is that we werent affected by coronavirus and you must be suffering as a result.
Cheryl x

Hello Ali, I am so pleased that two other people have answered your post with similar losses. I do hope it helps because what you have written is heart breaking and my only comments are that grief is an horrible thing which we do not know how or what we are going to feel. It takes time to come to terms with your loss and not being able to be with our love ones when they are very poorly doesn’t help, we are then left with too many unanswered questions. Try to think of the good memories and try to ignore the questions that there mostly lightly will be any answers. Please take care of yourselves in this unreal time. Blessings to you all. S

Thank you so much Cheryl and GrandmaAnnie.
Although I would never wish this pain on anyone, it helps knowing that others are able to understand how devastating it is to lose someone so special. I find it so incredibly hard to deal with the fact that not seeing my mum is something that will last forever. It’s strange as well because although I absolutely know she is dead I find myself thinking she is missing whatever is going on and then I feel so desperately sad for her although she really doesn’t know what is happening. I’m probably really just hoping that somehow she does know…
You are so very right Cheryl, I can’t bear the thought of all the things mum and I had hoped to do and now will never get the chance. It’s totally and utterly heartbreaking. Hopefully one day I will be able to smile when I think of her and remember all the happy times x

It’s hard to think that our vibrant, living mums are now gone. That they dont hear, see, smell, taste, touch etc or have any knowledge of what’s gone on.
I couldn’t sit beside my mum whilst she was in the coma for the 24 hours before she died. I just couldn’t bear that a couple of hours earlier we had been laughing and joking together and that she was just lying there not responding to anyone or anything.
If I thought there was hope she would pull through, I probably would have done but they told us soon after arriving at hospital that nothing could be done.
Keep chatting if it helps. X

I totally understand, I didn’t have time to get to the hospital when I was told my mum was dying but if I’m truly honest I know I was also hesitating because I couldn’t bear the thought of saying goodbye. I think I thought she would still be conscious and I was so absolutely terrified of those final words. Now I realise that she was unconscious but I think perhaps she still might have been able to hear me and so of course I feel terrible that I deprived her of the opportunity to hear my voice one last time and for me tell her that I loved her. It’s crazy really as it feels as though I almost have to punish myself and make myself feel as bad as possible even though I know that it’s a ridiculous thing to do and she certainly wouldn’t want me to be thinking that way. This is without doubt the worst thing I have ever had to deal with and the pain feels relentless. x

I agree ali1
It is the worst thing and I agree. I find myself saying i didng even have the chance to say goodbye, but could i have said goodbye? No i couldn’t.
It would have been heartbreaking.
This site has been amazing for me. I had 6 sessions of bereavement counselling which I detested. Being able to chat on sue ryder with people who are going through what i am going through, has been the best counselling for me.
Cheryl x

It is a great community and it definitely helps to know that there are so many other people who understand the pain.
I think for me one of the worst things is knowing that this is forever. Whilst I realise that somehow I will learn to accept what has happened and that (hopefully!) the grief will lessen, my mum will still be gone. I can’t say I have good days, just the occasional good ‘moment’ and then the waves come crashing back. On Sunday I slipped over and, as with most adults, when someone came to help me I pretended I was fine and hobbled off. It was only once I got back home that I burst into tears and cried like a baby. To be fair I was a bit bruised and sore but to be honest all I wanted was to be able to tell my mum. I knew exactly what she would have said and of course it would have been exactly the right thing. It just hit home that she would never be able to comfort me again. Perhaps one day knowing what she would have said will be a help but right now it’s nowhere near enough. Xx

Ali, I’m sorry that you’ve lost of your Mum. Your post saying you just wanted to tell your Mum, hit a cord with me. I miss my long chats with my Mum so much. I long for her and our chats.
Eight months ago, my Mum died suddenly and unexpectedly of pneumatic and a heart attack in hospital. I lived with my Mum, as her long term carer.
We’d talk for hours every day. The loss is so great, it is difficult to put into words at times. It certainly still feels very, very raw. If I get a good hour I embrace it, as grief is devastating.
It is early days for you and you are likely to still be quite shocked. Be gentle with yourself. There are a lot of lovely people on this forum who will always chat. It’s a wonderful place to get things off your chest. Take care.

I was with my mam every day watching films, tv, music, having coffee. Now shes gone 2 months ago and the grief is worse now that everyone else has got back to normal. I can’t believe she’s gone, im hurting so much

Hi Jeeny,
I know exactly how you are feeling, it’s so terribly, terribly painful. I adored my mum and spent so much time with her. I do have times when I am distracted but it’s only momentary and then the sledgehammer comes back with a vengeance. I don’t help myself sometimes because I make myself look at photos when I know they will only upset me; the other day I suddenly realised that I couldn’t remember her voice so I played a video of her on my phone…not a good plan! We can only hope that at some point we may be better able to come to terms with what has happened although we will never forget our lovely, wonderful mums. Take care x

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Yes, videos are the worst. Its like self torture isn’t it xxxx