Overwhelmed

In the last year my dad passed away and my husband 13 weeks ago. I didn’t have time to deal with losing my dad as my husband was going through cancer treatment but its all catching up with me. Until now I’ve only had occasional days where I’ve really felt the loss as most of the time I just feel numb and I really struggle in showing how I’m feeling with my friends and family. I don’t have anyone really close, I’m an only child, i’ve lost both parents and my nearest family member is 200 miles away. I have a daughter but she is dealing with losing her dad at 21 and so I feel I need to be the person she leans on and don’t want to be falling apart in front of her. This weekend I feel everything has really shifted, probably because my daughter has gone on holiday and I’m here alone. I encouraged her to go as I we have to adjust and I have to face being alone but this morning I felt completely floored by everything. For the first time I have really struggled just to function and am struggling with anxiety, complete heartache and feeling overwhelmed with grief to the point that its started to effect my physical health. I know weekends are going to be hard and bank holidays even worse but with my daughter being away I’ve been dreading this one even more. I wish I could just stop feeling like I have to cope in front of everyone else as they think I’m so strong and i’ve been amazing etc but now I really need them I just cant get through to them how hard this is.
I’ve held this all day and I just needed somewhere to share this.

2 Likes

@Lucy55 I’m so sorry for the loss of your dad & your husband in a short space of time. I understand that feeling of loneliness & struggling even though pretending you’re ok. I lost my husband 8 weeks ago and I am struggling a lot. I feel family & friends have moved on but I am inwardly screaming I’m not ok. Everyone too busy living there own lives :broken_heart:

3 Likes

@Lucy55
I feel for you, I really do. You have not had a chance to grieve for your dad or your husband. You have been supporting your daughter and doing all of the other tasks that we sadly have to deal with when we loose our loved ones. It is now that you have time on your own that the reality is sinking in. Please don’t bottle your feelings up, just let every emotion flow. Keep on posting on here as there are so many people who care and will listen. Your grief is so raw and nothing anyone says will change that. Don’t worry about what other people think as unless they have been where you are now they honestly don’t understand how bad you are feeling. Let them help you, you don’t have to let them think you are strong. Cry when you need to , do what you want to, scream and shout. You will get through this but it is just one step, baby steps at a time, hour by hour.
I send you loads of strength and a hug xx

3 Likes

@Jan17 Sending you my very best wishes, its really tough times that we’re going through at the moment. I doubt your family have moved on despite how it feels but theyre probably struggling with their own grief and don’t want to make you feel worse. Ultimately none of it helps you. Take care of yourself xx

1 Like

@Alir I don’t consciously hold the feelings in but automatically go into ‘I’m Ok’ mode. Today a really good friend came over and I have lots organised for the coming 2 weeks so i’m not on my own all the time, (i literally would end up having a full on break down) and despite how much i struggled to just get washed and dressed I still made up lunch and appeared completely fine. Yet as soon as my friend left I felt like all I wanted to do was collapse. Thank you for your kind reply xx

3 Likes

@Lucy55
I am pleased to hear you are not alone. It is so hard isn’t it, putting on an act, so to speak, so that everyone thinks we are o.k. I imagine you were exhausted when your friend left.
I have been on my own for the last three days and the only person I have spoken to was my dear neighbour when she popped over to check up on me. She is so kind. I have had txts from friends but have felt so alone. That then starts me off crying and I then don’t want to do anything, it is a vicious circle. I am going to motivate myself tomorrow and go for a walk. I did have a problem with leaving the house but am getting a lot better.
I do hope tomorrow is a little bit better for us all. xx

3 Likes

@Alir Weekends are so hard and texts are lovely but not the same as talking to someone. I’m so glad you’ve got a kind neighbour who looks in on you. I hope you enjoy your walk tomorrow xx

2 Likes

I lost my dad also in September and then 8wks later my husband I’m sick to of putting on a smile pretending everything is fine when it’s actually not fine don’t beat yourself up for feeling overwhelmed at times because we’re going to be and the people who care about you should understand that talk to your daughter and tell her how you really feel it’s not good bottling it’s all up inside because believe me at some point the bottle blows take it from someone who knows I’m so sorry for your losses sending you big hugs you can message me at anytime if your feeling shit or just need a rant ok xx

3 Likes

Totally understand how you’re feeling.
I lost my dad in December then my partner 7 weeks later. Both unexpected. Lost my mum 11 years ago.
Have never felt so alone and overwhelmed in my life. I’m an only child so all of the sorting out of my dads stuff is down to me.
Like @Lucy55 i have a daughter of 21, and also a son of 23 but encourage them to live their lives which means I spend a lot of time on my own. It does feel quite often that I’m just surrounded by grief all of the time. I just hope as time passes this will lessen.
Definitely don’t bottle things up. Luckily I have a couple of good friends who will listen to how I am feeling but I don’t think they truly understand the utter loneliness I feel.
Unfortunately it’s a very long path we are now on and all we can do is take it one step at a time.
Knowing others are on the same horrendous path does help not feel quite so alone.

2 Likes

@Doughtyj & @Sonya24 I’m so sorry for your losses, so close together must feel unbearable.
@Doughtyj you described how I feel exactly, surrounded by loss and grief and I’m also an only child trying to sort out a flat full of my dad’s & grandmothers things.
I feel like I’m surrounded by a cloud of sadness and despair and having to get rid of things that my family cherished.
I’m trying to be busy today and yoga later in the hope of lifting my mood today, take care everyone xx

2 Likes

Lucy55 sending you and everyone who is suffering hugs .i still can’t face sorting sues things out yet

2 Likes

Sorting out stuff on your own is so hard isn’t it. My dad was still in the house I grew up in so full of memories and stuff from when he was in the RAF and my grandparents!! I’m struggling to get rid of some stuff so have just boxed it to go through another time.
I’ve just got back from a 2 hour dog walk with a friend which I find is a good break from everything. Enjoy your yoga xx

3 Likes

My sister in law and neice are coming over on there next day off to help support me sorting out sues clothes x

2 Likes

@Martyn2
I have let go of a few of my husbands clothes but most of them are still in the wardrobes. I did give his coats away just before Christmas when there was an appeal for warm clothing and I felt he would have approved even though he passed at the end of October.
As I get a charity bag through the door I put a few things in but find it so hard. I don’t remember who on the forum said this but they gave their husbands trousers away first of all as the were not so personal. I thought it was a good idea and I only have about two pairs left now but can’t part with any of his jeans or shorts as he wore them most of the time.
I think it’s nice that your sister in law and niece are coming to help you sort out your lovely Sue’s clothes. xx

3 Likes

I still can’t get rid of my husbands things his trainers still on the shoe rack his coats in the closet and clothes in the wardrobe I just can’t do it I can still smell him on his coats and clothes I wear some of his pjs to bed also I just can’t bring myself to give them away I feel this pain is never going to end I feel so lonely and alone I just can’t live like this it killing me slowley

2 Likes

It’s only been 8 weeks for me but I can’t bear to sort any of my husband’s clothes or possessions. The only things I got rid of were the bedding etc he had when he got home from the hospital (for the hospital bed) and toiletries. These things reminded me too much of how poorly he was at the end but his ‘normal’ stuff is still in the drawers and wardrobe. It’s too painful to look at never mind give away.

2 Likes

@Jan17 I only got rid of all the hospital/care stuff as it reminded me of how ill he was. I can’t imagine a time that I get rid of his clothes etc. My daughter wants everything kept as it is for ever and at the min that suits me. I still have some of my dads clothes in his wardrobe which I know I will have to get rid of but I open the door and close it again.
I’ve been out with a friend all day which has been lovely but I’m home on my own again and the sadness is overwhelming again xx

2 Likes

@Lucy55 I find it’s not too difficult to keep busy and distracted during the day but evenings and weekends are more difficult. Sending hugs

2 Likes