In October we lost my father in law, he had been ill for some years with Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s so his death in some ways was a relief that he was no longer suffering and we all seemed to be coping fairly well. Then in January my baby sister suddenly passed away aged 38. I am completely devastated and overwhelmed with life at the minute. I can’t seem to find a way to explain how I feel. Usually I can talk the hind legs off a donkey but everytime I start to talk I burst into tears and can’t continue. I feel bad that because my sister died I haven’t been able to help my husband with grieving for his dad. I just feel lost, for want of a better word.
Dear Chelban 1975, so sorry for what you re going through. I also lost my younger sister not quite 2 months now, and I can understand that feeling of being “lost” and the tears coming at any time. You will not have a lot to give right now because you have lost a part of yourself when your sister died. You and your husband both suffered significant losses and will need each other, but you must nurture yourself before you can care for others. I work in the mental health field, and thought returning to work might help, but I am finding I am empty inside and no longer able to give my all, as I did before the loss. I find I am not able to concentrate and often have to find a place to hide when the tears flow. People around me assume I am strong because I put on a “work face” but I am bleeding inside. You came to the right place for support, and writing out your feelings is helpful, since like me, talking can bring us to tears. Losing a sibling, is life altering and we will never be the same. I wonder why my baby sis had to go first, and why wasn’t it me since I already had more years. I struggle with that question every day. I never felt so alone in my life. I wish you strength in the difficult days ahead, and hope you will post again.
Thank you so much for replying to me, I’m sure you know how much that means.
I’m so sorry you’ve lost your sister, life is just so unfair sometimes. I have 2 older sisters and although I speak to them I can’t explain my feelings. I’ve always been the ‘strong one’ even though I was 3rd born, maybe because my son was born with autism so I’ve spent 19 years caring for him. Needless to say I think they’re all surprised that I’m now struggling.
What you say makes sense, I do feel alone, I feel unique, and I feel I am running on empty. I am hoping that by writing things down and other people having an input will help me try to heal eventually. I hope that by you messaging me and visa versa that you can gain something too. I think working in the field you do, you have to be on top form to be able to give 100% which doesn’t leave much left for you to nurture yourself.
I hope you message again.
Take care of yourself
I am wondering how you are getting on? I understand about being the “strong one,” I was considered the “rock” for everyone, and was often referred to as “Super Woman,” that is until now. Caring for your son for all those years, had to make you stronger, but now you need someone to lift you up. I no longer have my younger sister to support through life’s set backs and crisis, I believe that helped me during the loss of our parents, because I knew she needed me, and I would always be there to protect her. Now I am alone and for the first time, it is I in need of someone to lean on. Although there is another sibling, she was always distant, and the complete opposite of my warm, loving, and loyal younger sister. I tried to reach out to her but it ended in disaster (long sad story). I am glad to hear you have sisters, but I imagine it must be frustrating for you not to be able to express yourself. How are they coping with the loss of your younger sister? I agree that writing and sharing with others does help. I find myself looking forward to coming to this site and giving and receiving caring and support. I know you feel alone, and unique in your grief, and though we all grieve differently, I see from the posts on this site that we have more in common than not.
We are in this club we never asked to join. Be good to yourself, and continue to write out your feelings and I will be glad to respond, as I am sure others will as well. Even broken hearts continue to beat.
How are you? I can’t believe youve lost your parents too. How did you manage to get through that time in your life, it must of been horrendous. I’m very lucky I still have mine although I’m quite distant from my mum, I’m very close to my dad. I find it harder dealing with my dad’s grief than my mums. I struggle to communicate with him as he will get very upset so I feel like I shouldn’t mention things.
I took a step and spoke to my husband yesterday. I explained that it wasn’t that I didn’t want to talk to him, it’s that I couldn’t. I can’t seem to voice what I’m actually feeling. He’s very understanding and has said it will just take time. He said he grieved for his dad during the time he was ill, so he’s there for me 100%.
Have you got a significant other that you can talk to? I’m very aware that I don’t want to be putting on you but I appreciate talking to you and if you need to chat I’m a good listener. Xxxx
Hello Again Chelban1975, I was glad to hear you opened up to your husband, and it sounds like he can be supportive in the way you need. You are fortunate to have him, and your parents as well. When my parents died I had my younger sister, and we were there for each other, especially through my mother’s sudden and severe illness. Now, without my younger sister I am truly alone. We saw each other through all of life’s ups and downs, she was my “everyday person.” I mentioned another sibling, but she was not close and would distance herself for years at a time, and she has her husband, but I lost every one. She shows no concern for what I am feeling. Friends are kind, but they all have their families and lives, and I am not one to burden others or complain, so I try to just stay as busy as possible so as not to sit alone and cry my eyes out. I hope you are finding ways to cope, and if you need to vent, I and all of the good people on this site are here for you. This is a daily struggle, and when I read the posts I see we are all searching for some relief, but cannot get the one thing that will make it better, and that is to get our loved ones back. Take care and let me know how you are doing,