Pain and loneliness

Hello,
I never realised what real pain was until my love of 44 years, Helen, died on June 13th.
It’s got worse, if that’s possible, since then. I think that I realise now that Helen will never talk with me again, never laugh with me, never smile, never see our new grandson grow up…oh dear, it’s unbearable.
I think that you who are experiencing similar trauma are the only ones who truly understand.
Please, does this complete and utter loss ever subside?

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Hi Jim. I am so sorry you have lost your wife. It doesn’t matter if 2 or 62 years it still hurts and the pain is unbearable. I am sorry to say I lost my husband 6mths ago and the pain is still raw. I just think the pain changes over the months and the years. Life has to go on and somehow we have to learn to live without them. Please use this group as we are all going through the same thing. Life is cruel but we have to be survivors.
Shona x

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Thank you so much for replying Shonzie. I read some posts before I joined and, I think, sharing similar experiences is a positive thing that we can do.
I also think that I understand what you say about your pain changing. I have just recently started thinking that I don’t really want to go on without Helen, but I shall sort it out somehow. I am sure that groups such as this will help change that feeling.

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Hello Jim, I’m so sorry for the loss of your dear Helen. I know the pain you are suffering because I am feeling the same pain, like others on this site.
It’s just over 4 months since I suddenly lost my wife of 56 years. Reading some of the posts from those who have been grieving for much longer I am hopeful that in time the pain will ease slightly but I don’t know how long that will be… we are all different in grief.
It is extremely difficult to come to terms with the loss of the love of your life, missing her voice, her laugh, her smile and everything she will now miss. As you say, it’s unbearable.
Take one day at a time and keep reading and posting on this forum and hopefully it may give you some small comfort.
Best wishes, AL

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Hi Jim. I think we have all felt we don’t want to go on without them at some point in our grief but I know Bill (we had only been married 2years, he was only 64) would never have wanted me to give up and it’s that which keeps me fighting. Some days it’s not too bad and others I wonder how I will get through it but I keep on going for him and you need to do that for your lovely wife too.
Shona x

Thank you very much for replying Al. I am sure these posts help; I doubt many of us can cope without true understanding and companionship.
I am finding it difficult to know what to say; I truly hope that your years together were fantastic, and similarly for Shona.
I know I am so lucky to have had the time I had with my love, but it doesn’t feel like it at the moment.
Jim

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Hang on in there Jim, I know how difficult it is for you and unfortunately it will not get any easier soon although it should improve eventually. As I said previously, take one day at a time or even an hour at a time.
If you feel like posting on here just say whatever you want, you won’t be judged by the kind and understanding people on this site, but only do it when you’re ready.

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Hi Jim1
Im so sorry for your loss and the pain you are in.I am fairly new to this grief and cant really answer your question but I do know that coming onto this site has helped me and just reading posts from others that have been on here longer and that understand how we feel gives some sort of peace.I hate that we all have to go through this but we can all help each other --Take care x

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Thank you Trac, there are no real answers are there? But communicating like this does help. I suppose its therapy or counselling between ourselves.
I hope it’s ok for grown men to cry, because I’ve certainly had my fair share today for some reason. I hope you are all coping ok? Jim

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It’s OK Jim, join the club. :cry:

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There was a post on here sometime ago which quoted the Queen Mother as saying that grief itself never gets better but we get better at it.
At the beginning the pain is unbearable but as time passes it becomes more of an ache and you somehow assimilate it. My soul mate died unexpectedly in 2016…222 weeks ago today; my life has changed completely, I still cry on occasions and there are days when life seems very bleak…but there are also many days when I am glad to be alive and able to remember the love and laughter we were blessed to share. I talk to his photographs, ask his advice and carry him in my heart always.
In the early days it is better to focus on getting through each hour…take small steps and deep breaths and never doubt that the love you shared will continue to sustain you.
Take care x

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Fully paid up member now Al😪

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Amelie, such nice words. Thank you so much for sharing this. 222 weeks of very mixed emotions I am sure but you sound positive.

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It’s been over a year since my wife passed away the loss never goes away the pain eases but will never leave you some days will be bearable other tears will happen I have found but the tears I think are like a safety valve so I’m sorry for your loss and I hope you can work through it one day at a time

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Hi Jim --I started counselling as a few people on this site seem to say it helped but I was a bit reluctant to talk to a stranger about my feelings but it has helped me although for the first couple of sessions all i seemed to be doing was crying and I thought this is worst than ever but then I realized i had been bottling up the grief and like you say tears are a safety valve. We are not alone when we cry --all the people on this website are with us and that gives us strength knowing we are all here for each other x

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Hi, I’m really glad that counselling seems to be helping. Crying seems to be an important part of the process no matter how far down the line we are.
It is reassuring and comforting to know that everyone is out there.

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Jim, (Sorry to the people who have heard this before) My counsellor once describes tears to me as “ if I handed you a bottle of Coke which I had spent a few minutes shaking, would you open it” “No” But if you opened it very very slowly it would be ok?” She said if you don’t open those flood gates of grief every now and again you will explode at some point, be it weeks, months or even years. Crying releases bottled up grief and nothing wrong with men crying too.
Shona x

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You’re quite right Jim, crying is important and it may get worse before it gets better. I’m 6 weeks ahead of you in this grief process and it’s not becoming any easier because it’s still early days. We should take a cue from @Newb who still has tears over a year later. As he says, it’s like a safety valve. We just have to accept it for what it is because we can’t control it, or perhaps shouldn’t control it.

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That’s the trouble Al, isn’t it. It’s the complete lack of control over what’s happened and is now happening. We’re all used to having a certain amount of control and suddenly we’re helpless in the face of this terrible thing that’s happened. Plus we don’t even feel properly in control of ourselves, or at least I don’t, hence the sudden unexpected tears, forgetfulness, inability to think straight and all the other brain fog things that we’re experiencing. A private hell for all of us, Thank god for this forum! Hope you’re managing ok x

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Hi Bijane. I definitely suffer from the forgetfulness, brain fog and I totally feel I am not in control of anything. Covid has just made a very hard time in our lives even harder.
Shona