the rats I can hear running above me I can’t get to. don’t have people who can help except for ill/old people I don’t want to risk. the attic is packed to the hatch with stuff I can’t even get in there with a rat traps. can’t afford a pest control

wifebeaters kids and the others will be in my garden or shouting at me all the time now it’s warming up and lockdiwn lifts. last night they were out screaming around 6 hrs. I wanted to go to bed but too noisy. TV up music up but I can still hear the thud of the ball. one discarded ball in the pond already that I need to get out as it annoys my view. police Council always don’t care … I hate them and wish they would all move.

wife beater always screams at me he has ptsd if I go tell him about his kids (which I’ve not done for over a Yr as police said don’t talk to him he’s dangerous and doesn’t listen). no one else of the neighbours complains about these kids in and out of our gardens (though it’s their front garden and my back garden as I’m on the corner).

home automation not working again so I can’t control stuff. the lights come on at sunset still but curtains and blinds don’t close so I have to remember to go around each room manually closing curtains/blinds as otherwise its like a show window of all Renés electrical stuff to the passing druggies and kids.

cat has started tearing her fur out. probably I’m not looking after them as I should and I keep them in at night as scared. when René was here he’d let them come and go as they pleased.

gutter man coming next week but car in the way I should cover it or move it but just don’t know where to start and don’t drive and battery flat. there is a battery charger René had somewhere in all his tools but I can’t remember what it looks like and don’t know how to use it if I can find it in that enormous pile of stuff.
also two cameras on those boards they need to replace and the gutter men can either leave the old peeling wood there with cameras or remove cameras and not put them back. if they remove them no way to put them back so I lose view either side of the house that makes me feel safer as I can check if those kids are in garden without looking out of window or going out.

also car insurance direct debit didn’t go out dirs it mean hire car is uninsured now. if kids break car with ball or gutter men with wood or stepdad is it even insured or do I need to pay company.

garden is growing and I don’t know what to do about it. I want a fence to make it harder for those kids who keep climbing the gate but two skips need picking up.
so many other things… so hopeless and overwhelmed.
do i have to leave my house? it’s all I have left of him I don’t want to.

can’t leave my house. what about when I have to go to work . how will I get there who will feed cats who will stop those kids going into gazebo and stealing things if they notice it when in garden. I can’t build self assembly stuff even.
family are coming today but what can I tell them I don’t have food for them. I’m so lonely but nervous of people coz I just want René he is the only one who knew what to do or could make me properly calm. I was so happy. He had such nice arms and now they are ashes and another thing I didnt do as I left the ashes. they are probably mixed up by now and everyone else picks their loved ones ashes up but I didnt even do that for him. dont want to either as I can’t keep them safe here.
I can’t move. so what.

calmed down a bit now and will see my family soon so will ask for help.

Ask your family for help please
Unbearable life now I know
Take care x

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Dear FleurDeLis

Please do ask your family for help. I think I may have told you that I have had loads go wrong in house and with the cars. Ian always saw to that sort of stuff but his friend got in touch with contractors and I took the cars to the garage and at least one car now sorted.

  • the young lads even brought the car back to save me walking the 3 miles to the garage and did not charge me anything.

Sorry you are having the added problems of the neighbours. You are already trying to cope with the loss of your René, you do not need the added problems of neighbours kids.

Take care and let us know how you get on with asking family to help sort things for you.

Sheila xxx

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thank you for the support. Sheila that is so good to hear how decent those lads were to save you that long walk you thought you’d have to make.

I spent most of the day talking with my mum stepdad and brother. I was so nervous before they arrived and couldn’t imagine asking them for help but once I started I didn’t stop…

my stepdad squeezed two rat traps near the hatch of the loft already and we made plans to tackle some of the other most urgent jobs. I feel better after just talking with them too which I didnt imagine I would. I’m on my own again now but much calmer and for once not crying.

The kids are kicking a football hard against my wall right now but I’m having a wine and feel calmer about it than last night. Hope you are all doing as ok as possible this evening.

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Glad you spoke to your family for help hope you get things sorted. I always have to phone my brother when things need doing
Take care x

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Dear FleurDeLis

So glad that you have managed to get some things started. It gives a small sense of relief once we - or others - start to tackle the outstanding jobs. We were approaching the end of a kitchen refurbishment. The Council have also been very good and are going to send a building inspector round at some point to take a quick look and tell me the minimum required to get the sign-off required. A former neighbour has said he will help sort out the final jobs.

I took the lads at the garage a chocolate cake to say thanks. I think they appreciated it.

After Ian died my son asked me to go and live with him for a short time but I decided to stay home. I had this mad idea that if Ian somehow came back to say one last goodbye I needed to be where he could find me. So evenings I spend alone, except for one evening a week when I have the grandson stay overnight.

Have spoken to my daughter this evening - she is not coping at all with her dad’s loss. She lives down in Essex so have not seen her since the funeral. Told her that hopefully we will be able to meet up soon. She does have a partner so all I can do is keep in touch by phone. Hopefully she is going to videocall tomorrow and that might help her.

Take care.
Sheila xxxx

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Thank you for the messages. It didn’t feel as bad when my family were with me this time. I’ve been feeling so lonely for my husband and I am aching for a real cuddle from him that I don’t have to release for ages. I know that will never happen again though.

Until this weekend i thought I just need to be by myself now I can’t have him but spending time with my mum stepdad and brother brought me some relief from the feeling of wishing I’m dead and I had a few moments where I was in the moment completely. Marvelling at something on a walk together. A hug from my mum. Taking photos of the scenery.

My mum is a special needs teacher and now must return to work in a high school with around a thousand pupils and teachers (next weekas she only had her jab last week but it’s the AZ one). She has been under enormous strain for the recent years and has health problems and a weak immune system. I thought losing my husband is the worst but it can get worse. My panic on waking today was about her, its just going to be loss after loss until alone isn’t it. Today I’m kinda wanting to be with my family again whilst I can. I will work soon and will see them Weds.
I used to worry about my mum and brother dying a lot after my dad died. Then i used to worry about my husband dying (no indication or reason why he would) he did and it was a shock despite I worried ever since loving him that he would. I used to worry I’d die but at least I don’t have that one but I’m worried about my mum and brother and stepdad and cats but it won’t stop it either will it.

Sheila it’s nice you thought to show your appreciation to those lads with the cake. I hope your daughter and you will be able to talk and help each other to get through some hours more peacefully.

Dear FleurDeLis

It is so enormously difficult and we have to navigate through the different emotions each day with new challenges put in our way. My daughter works in a school albeit with much smaller numbers, so I understand your sense of panic. She has had her first jab. My son and his partner work in supermarkets - I am always reminding them to keep washing their hands, mask, sanitiser etc. This past week - on the odd hours I manage to sleep - I have dreamed of Ian, alive and well, smiling. Breaks my heart everytime I wake up to the reality of my life now. I think grief makes the brain go into overdrive.

I am glad that you are going to see your family later in the week. I see my son almost every day as I look after our grandson when they are at work. Daughter video-called yesterday and that seemed to help a little.

Take care and stay in touch.
Sheila xxxx