Past things.

I do not know if anyone feels the same. All I have done today is look at my photos of Lynn and piece together those days spent or remember certain conversions we had. Sometimes i feel my mind makes things up that did not happen , throwing me into a negative spiral. In reality me and Lynn had a strong and very committed relationship based on honesty, love and trust. We spoke of many things and life and love and we were soulmates. She stood by me thick and thin, never giving up on me. I so miss her and today has been horrid. I have spoken to her through the day and cried too. I am alone and rarely speak to anyone. Everyone i know seems to have dropped away or assume i am coping. My mental health is struggling to absorb the fact my Lynn has gone since last October. I miss her touch and voice, our days out around the island and our emotional and physical times.
intimate times we shared. They brought so much joy in our lives.
I seem to hit a wall and cannot get by.
I have stopped going out now as it brings back too many memories. I come home to an empty house and no matter what I do to distract myself, my head flashes back to things that distress me or make me sad because they are not happening anymore. It is an effort now just to get up and the days are long. I am signed off work because of this and my depression and anxiety. Plus i have something called Border Line Personality Disorder. It is a bit like BI-Polar and the feeling of emotions are much more intense. Metal health on the island is poor and feel abandoned by them. My only solace is I have an understanding G.P but all he can do is give medication.
I want tell Lynn in my way I am sorry I caused her to be sad at times. I know no relationship is perfect. She went through so much in her life with operations with her tummy and had a stoma for 50 years. Her diagnosis of Lung cancer last year was out the blue and rocked our world. I feel so alone and miss her so much all the time. I need to move away I think .
I just feel sad and upset that I do not have my soulmate with me in body. Her spirit i know is with me but i just bloody miss her so. I am not an angry person and there is no one to blame. I want to make her proud and keep going but find it harder each day. My heart is broken and wish I could be with her. But i know she would not want that and it just breaks my heart.
She has left me all her belonging to me to start afresh when the time comes but I am scared and dread living on my own. With covid showing no sign of restrictions lifted, life is very lonely. I am very reserved in my way anyway and I know that does not help me sometimes.
Lynn was my everything and I think I have not come to actual terms of her passing. I have read two books on grief, i have Cruse but it is the last session next week and I worried that i have not actually got anywhere.
Lynn was a strong willed lady, a poet, artist and writer in her life. Her past was somewhat tricky at best but she remained her true self and a loving partner to me.
I know her past was not good at times and I dwell on this so much at times. Its like a dog with a bone, it does not let go. This I think is my condition though and my mood swings.
Sorry this is all a bit random. I just needed to write and vent my feelings in private.
I just miss you Lynn xxx .

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Hi Grant how very sad you must be feeling to lose your soulmate after being with them and sharing so much together is extremely difficult and I’m not surprised you’re feeling the way you do. There’s no time structure to grief and no getting through the stages just accept how you feel on any certain day and try to get through each hour. It’s good that you’ve come here and maybe you would like to ask for some counselling too? It helps to speak about our lost ones and I often talk to my Mum during the day and I’m also finding coming on here helps too. Remember it is still very early days for you and your grief is still raw so keep coming here and talking if it helps just a tiny bit then that is a tiny bit more than you would have had if you’d not come here Big hugs coming your way :hugs::hugs:

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Dear @Grant73,
As I read your post I found myself nodding more and more to myself in agreement with everything you wrote. By the end of it I could no longer contain my tears because what you say and feel about your Lynn matches so well my own thoughts and feelings about my wife Nicki (who passed suddenly and unexpectedly in July 2020).

I go through each day pretty much in a state of numbness, seems to be the only way I can get through each day - either that or putting my head down to try to sleep in my chair, to shorten the day - helps to shut out the reality of things. Today is the first time I have left the house for a week, I just want to shut myself away and try to remember how my “old” life was. Like you and Lynn, we had our ups and downs in our 31 years. It still pains me that I mangaged to anger my wife and move her to tears 3 weeks before she passed because of a remark I made about trying to manage her pain levels - I didn’t realise it would upset her so much and it was the cause of our last big argument, though we did thankfully make up later that day. Like you, I miss my wife intensely too, to the point that I don’t know how to live without her, nor do I want to learn how to live without her. She was the source of all my strength, the centre of my life, and I am a mere shadow of the man I was when she was with me. I find even the simplest of tasks overly demanding and I spend most of my days sitting in my armchair, trying to lose myself in my laptop or the TV - anything to distract from thinking about the reality of my situation.

Like you again, I haven’t come to terms with Nicki’s passing either. I do everything I can to try to keep everything as it was the day she passed (I even find it hard to use the word “died”). I so want to preserve our home as it was that last day, to remind me of her presence, even if it can be a double-edged sword. I look at her cross-stitch projects which she spent hours and hours on, only never to be finished now. I still have her “sympathy” cards on display and doubt I’ll ever take them down. I don’t want to “move on”, I want things to be back as they were, even though I know that can’t happen. Possessions mean nothing to me now - the enjoyment of them came from sharing them with Nicki, and now they’re just “things”. Nicki’s personal possessions mean a lot to me, most of them are still where they were the day she passed, and I have no intention of changing that.

Nicki was a much stronger person than I am, and I miss her strength, her support and her love to keep me going. Without her I am nothing.

As the days and weeks have passed, I am coming to a view of what I need to do, and it doesn’t involve living a long life, quite the opposite in fact. I have a task to get things in order for someone to be able to easily manage my estate when I’m gone, and that is my main focus. Life holds nothing for me without the most important and precious person in my entire life. Nicki’s a huge part of my being and always will be.

You are right to have posted and vented your feelings for Lynn here. When Nicki passed I wanted to scream it from the top of a mountain, but did the same as you. We want, need, others to know about our partners, to know them, to know how we felt and STILL feel about them, to understand our lives together, and it does help even just a little to have people understand those things.

Take care, my friend, and know that you are not alone.

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@Alston56
I identify so much with what you’ve said.
My grief is for my Mum. I too cannot say the word “died” and I can’t bring myself to take the sympathy cards down. I don’t want to “move on” and I don’t want to have to deal with anyone who will tell me to “look to the future” or “move on”. There is no moving on when someone you love so much isn’t here any more.

I never realised grief could be so all consuming and have the power to take everything from you. The sad thing is that our loved ones would be so desperately upset at our unhappiness but it’s unavoidable.

I am so sorry for your loss.

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Dear @NJL,
I am so, so sorry for the loss of your Mum.

I too never realised how much grief could consume my being. I have never lost anyone close to me - my parents are still alive in their late 90s - until I lost my wife. Because of her health problems, I sometimes used to wonder what I’d do if something happened to her, but I always tried to put it out of my mind and hope desperately that we’d both be ok for many more years. I had no answer then, and now that event has come to pass, I have no answer now either.

I think you’re probably right about what our partners would want for us, but in my case I think my wife would also be happy if I chose to join her.

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Dear Alston56

I echo your sentiments except that my anger stops me doing what Ian might want me to do. Ian was killed whilst out on his motorbike - a frequent visitor to the garage at Alston and the cafe further up the hill - but I hated it and wanted him to give it up. He did not and now myself and the kids are living with the consequences. But my anger towards Ian also causes me problems because I know if he is looking down that he will be heartbroken and I cannot comfort him at this time. Grief for me at the moment is a vicious circle.

I just miss Ian so much and the days are not getting any better. Last night and this morning are just unbearable.

Take care xx

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@Alston56, @Grant73

Honestly reading your posts sums up exactly how I am feeling. Not being able to face the reality still haven’t collected his ashes that will make it real. Graham and I met as kids me 15 him 14 and were together 37 years. He had health issues including 2 stomas and was shielding. He had to go into hospital and was exposed to COVID and passed away. I’m so angry about that as it has stolen the time we had left. I am struggling more as time goes on just cannot face a future without him. We have a daughter and 2 grandsons but they have their life to live. People are bored of me now and obviously think I should be getting over it my brother said as much. How can you get over losing the love of your life your best friend and your world. We had our ups and downs and he drove me crazy at times but now he’s gone my world has shattered. Long lonely days feeling sadness :broken_heart:
Take care
Julie x

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Dear Juli69

So sorry for your loss. You are right no one knows the enormous loss we feel. Those who were there immediately after Ian died have dwindled to two/three at the most. All I know is that after being with Ian for 42 years there is no getting over this.

Take care.

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Hi @Sheila26

As the weeks go by it is tougher as the reality of what we have to face has now sunk in. Life has even turned upside down and well meaning comments are no longer offering me comfort. Just so sad and difficult to know how to carry on with a life without him. Most definitely contact from people is dwindling as their lives are still there intact which I fully understand.

Take care
Julie x

Dear Juli69

I cannot bare to look beyond 24 hours. I do not want to spend years without him.

Yes, I would not wish our grief on anyone and even my kids will have to get on with their lives. They do not need me like a lead-weight round their necks.

Take care x

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Just saying.
If your husband could see you grieving, do you think he would encourage it.
Or if it were the other way around?
My husband wouldn’t like me to grieve so much
So I am trying to please him in my own way.
It’s not easy but baby steps is what I try.
Slowly does it.