Pauline

Hello Pammie thank you,. So sorry to hear about your loss ,. It is really a rollercoaster of emotions that you could never have imagined, please take care of yourself because as you said we have to keep memories alive , sending hugs to you Pauline x

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Thank you Victoria,. You sound as though you have had a difficult time, I am so sorry,. I am truly amazed at the comfort this community gives to each other,. It is wonderful , love and hugs to you ,. Pauline xx

Hi. Pauline.
People want to “help” and give advise and solutions to our sadness. I have heard same suggestions. I find them silly and heartless. A friend said better things will come for you!.
I am thinking how to be alone can be better, missing him, thinking that is time for a cup of tea but there is only one cup, my cup it is painful, shame thing at bed time. Other friend said have a good cry then get busy and think about yourself live goes on. You are right, it is hard to get different live and keep going when live it seems pointless.
Keep going and post your thought you are not alone i think some people feel like you and me. Xx

Hi. Joe.
Only 2 weeks, so painful when everything seems like a bad dream. When numbness is there suddenly then a dream . As some people said to me death is part of life, probably is that easy to say it, but the hole in our heart, those plans that we talk with our partners and would never happen now, to be alone after the funeral and be alone at home are thing that they cannot imagen. Keep going . Best wishes.

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Hello Devi,yes it is hard to wake up to a day without our beloveds ,. I know people mean. Well and in the past I have probably been as quilty myself in impartng words of wisdom,. Or so I thought !!! Loosing parents was awful but this is a whole new set of rules that completely throws out any thing that you can ever have imagined about grief,. All you have said and more,. Some days I think , oh that was fairly good,. I haven’t cried today or thrown something across the room and the the next day I am back to wanting to stay in bed and crying until I have no more tears left,. A rollercoaster of emotions,. Sending a hug to you :kissing_heart: xx

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Dear Pauline, I have lost my dearly beloved husband 2 months ago today, I am also alone with all my family in Ireland and yes I feel the same way dumb, a struggle to stay sane. However, if I did have family here I still think I would feel the same. My husband died from a very long battle with cancer at home and I did not cope well, which I feel guilty. I continue wishing it was me that was dying not my husband as I know he would have coped much better and for that I think life is so cruel for some.
You are not alone experiencing this surreal ordeal and I hope one day that we all will find hope and encouragement to carry on. I am sorry to say that I am not confident that will happen.

Helena
Helena

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Hello dear Helena,. I am so sorry,. Your loss is very recent and you are probably feeling very empty at the moment,. I know. I did for a few months,. Life seems a blur and unreal to you and you think it is a horrible. dream that you are going to wake up from, You are right, your friends and family cannot Stop this dreadful pain in your heart but I did feel better when they had been around in the early days,. I am sure you did really well looking after your husband,. I had regrets too that I hadn’t said this or done that And I am 15 months along my road,. The pain isn’t still bad but I don’t feel like throwing things quite as much as I did,. My husband would not have coped if I had gone first but he Would have charmed all the ladies in the village to be doing meals for him,. He didn’t cook , didn’t do housework , wouldnt have known how to put the wash on but could do the ironing,. ,. The half of the person we have become is missing and is the biggest thing I have ever had to cope with,. Our family ,. (My sons and sister) didnt know what to say to ease my pain so you feel even more alone,. Only people like the friends in this community can understand because we are on the same path together,. Look after yourself now because you are important too , message me anytime sending hugs and blessings to you XX?

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Oh, Pauline, thank you for your message and it is so awful that we are all in this position, we are struggling to come to terms with it all. I am scared, from experience and reading this forum things are going to get worse. I lost my mum when I was 12 years old, so I knew what loss was like and now experiencing it with the loss of my husband after 35 years together is more heartbreaking, feeling more alone. I agree with half of the person that we have become is missing is too much, there is only so much a human can take. I feel that I have no future or want one, I know this sad but others on this site feels the same. For you, I am so pleased that your pain is not as bad and to continue to find some comfort in this life. I am sorry if I am negative but in the past as well as both my husband battling cancer for 13 years, a blood cancer we have been in very dark places and financially. Severe chemo treatment for 6 months spending 5 weeks at a time in Christie’s hospital, then having another blood cancer due to chemo-related a few years later to having stem cell treatment whilst waiting for a donor. We had many hospital admissions due to infections, I coped and was nursing at the time. The darkest place of all was when my husband was diagnosed with bowel cancer 2 years ago with a major operation which left him with a stoma and every outcome from the consultants was unfortunately with a prognosis of maybe 18 months. I fell apart left nursing to care for my husband full time, to be honest at the beginning my husband cared for me he was so strong right to the end with a cruel passing at home. I have no intentions of ever returning to nursing it would bring back to many bad memories and don’t know where this journey of life will take me if I am strong enough to carry on. I am sorry Pauline but this is how I feel, my husband I was joined together as we travelled through some dark places making some bad decisions along the way. I didn’t care about our financial decisions as I always said as long as Marcus was ok I coped. Now I don’t have him any more, he died on his birthday 22nd of September at the age of 66 years, we should have been celebrating as he would have received his state pension. I am sorry to burden you with this email.
Helena, wishing you lots of comfort with your strength to carry on this path. Hugs and blessing also.

Helena, you are in such a terribly dark place. I too lost my husband 2 months ago, and I have felt all that you are feeling. But I keep going for 2 reasons - I have dogs and I couldn’t bear to abandon them, but mainly I know my husband would be horrified at the thought of me doing anything to hurt myself. Although he is gone in the worldly sense, I feel he is still a part of me and his love surrounds me. The experience you endured over the years is horrific, you must be emotionally utterly devastated after so many ups and downs. Financial problems on top must be truly devastating. Please take a deep breath and remember your husbands strength and love for you - that will always be with you. Please think also about starting counselling and talking to your GP. Talk to friends and relatives too, if that would help. With hugs, Christie

Dearest Helena ,. Please don’t ever be sorry,. I am here for you whenever you want to rant and. rave ,. I did the same a few weeks ago,. You have a lot of pent up emotions you need to let go of and you must let them out,. I thought I was going mad and like you I wanted to be with my husband too,. You are quite normal because the alternative is. Not an option at the moment in your heart,. The thought of facing the future without the love of our. Lives is even more scary,. You must be brave though because you will get past that feeling so please don’t dwell on those thoughts, always talk to someone, this community will always support you, I am here too!!! I know you are scared and I was too,. The unknown is very scary especially if you have been on your own,. I was the same,. We had financial problems too and you don’t think you will cope on your own but you will,. You will become stronger,. We were joined at the hip too but gradually you will get stronger,. I was you a few months ago so unleashing your fears to this family who have all faced the same uphill journey will support you,. Stay strong darling,. I wish I could give you a hug,. I AM HERE XXX :two_hearts:

I meant to say if you have never been on your own xxxx

Love and hugs to you too Christie,. I am sorry for your loss as well, you are in similar time as Helena,. The worst of times,. Stay strong and Look after yourself ,. Blessings to you xx

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Christie, thank you so much for your response, I am tired now and drained, I find it difficult to sleep I guess everything is still raw.
Take care of your self.
Helena

Dear Pauline, thank you so much you are a great help, I will try and be strong and to all of you its so hard and Pauline thank you for being there.
Hugs too
Helena

Everything IS still raw. I have difficulty sleeping also, too often I have resorted to wine. It’s bizarre, because I’m physically and emotionally exhausted. I try to accept that and sleep when I can, but sleep is the only time that the overwhelming sense of loss is not weighing me down. Please be kind to yourself, that is what your beloved would want. As a nurse, you detach yourself from your emotions but you can never detach when it comes to your husband. I felt as flash of anger at my husband a few days before he died - I was exhausted and he was paralysed and could hardly speak - it was so hard to find out what he wanted. I bit it back and hugged him, but even so I felt guilty. Let your guilt go - there is and can be no guilt in your situation. You loved you husband, you did your very best. You could have done no more. Hugs, Christie xxx

Right you are Pauline! Nobo0dy can understand except a person who has undergone this same ordeal or trial. I feel that way too. Friends and family seem to think “oh you’ll get5 over it in time” do I really believe that? This is the world I live in in now. I would not wish this on anyone. I am not bitter - just dis-apointed that the rest of the world does not see it the way I do. I shall always miss my wife! I am trying to move on but it’s very difficult. Am I the only one who feels this way or shall I wear a a mask?
(I lost my wife a year ago - I think of her almost every day).
Herb (aka greencat)

Good morning Herb,. Nice to talk to you again,. I think our families do care but they just cannot understand,. They have gone through the grief and are feeling the loss but normal life to them has not changed,. They still have to get up in the mornings for Children,. Work, Shopping, all the normal things that we took for granted once,. Not so for us,. Our lives as we knew it ended as we said our goodbyes and we have to get used to another way of life which for a lot of us older people is not easy,. ( Anyone reading this who are under 50-60yrs old and still looking after families , ) please do not be offended because this is about loneliness without anyone to get up for in the morning anymore , that ache when there is no one beside you to say good morning to or make that first cup of tea for !!! You are not alone Herb and what you are going through is ( normal ): for us and we just want everyone to try and understand that moving forward will take longer,. Stay strong we will get there, Love and hugs to you x

Pauline I feel the same it has been 12 weeks since my lovely man died at the beginning friends rallied round checking in on me but now I’m lucky if I get a phone call I know these are difficult times but like you say unless you have experienced such a loss they cannot comprehend what we are going through they clearly think we are doing ok friends say keep busy ! As if that takes away the pain no matter what its still there and eventually we will have to find a new and different way of living take care sending hugs and love xx

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Pauline and others, I believe you are so correct on your assessment of where I as well as others seem to find ourselves lately. With me, I just got done visiting my wife’s gravesite on Thursday, and even though I am happy to have done it, I still think back on what her personality was like. I remember her ways and the way she would approach me each day. We would be up very early in the morning and just talk for a few hours before we embarked on our daily routines. This is basically what I really miss about her - those moments where we got to really know about each other — the moments nobody can truly know. (Maybe it’s because she’s gone that I remember her - the way she truly was. The years have gone by so fast as I age and all I want to do is hope I did a good job. I hope she was happy with me. It wasn’t perfect but I truly wish I could go back to those days. I know it’s not going to happen that way - but if I had it to do over again - I do it that way again. She was worth it!!! I’d like to thank you and anyone else I may have missed for offering me the encouragement and support I have received. I can ask for no more than that. Thank yiou all!
Herb (aka greencat)

Dear Pammie, Your message is well understood by me - I feel I am going thru the same circumstances as you - truly can understand what you say. Of course, I can’t hold it against the ones who have not experienced this as I have but I am fortunate enough to know that there are others who understand me as I am doing for those of you who have lost a loved one). it’s been a year for me - I still miss her - so I do understand. Peace!
Herb (aka greencat)