Hi all
I am really struggling with close friends of mine saying hurtful and insensitive things to me… I am finding myself becoming upset when really they should be of some comfort to me…
It’s only been 6 weeks since my boyfriend passed he was only 46 years old and to say I am devastated is an understatement. It’s making me not want to talk about him to them. One friend said to me yesterday “yea even though he was a pain “
I mean that has upset me beyond anything how dare she… I got off the phone and was crying it’s coming to the point where I don’t want to even talk about how I am feeling… no one understands.
My boyfriend had pancreatic cancer and it was awful to watch for 18 months… yes things got difficult but that poor man suffered so much and I won’t have anyone talking badly about him. He did not deserve for that to happen to him… people are so quick to say the wrong thing it’s just so incredibly hurtful…
Am I being wrong in how I am thinking?
People are extremly selfish and I really am learning so much about people daily…
No wonder I just want to lock myself away people are cruel xxx
Hello Nic14,
I’m so sorry for your loss. So young and you have been so strong. You should go with how you are feeling this is your grief.
I too have felt that family and friends have disappeared after the loss of my daughter. Before the funeral everyone was buzzing around and then nothing. Only my mum and a couple of close friends look out for me. I’m not sure some people understand how complex loosing someone you love is. Sometimes family members enforce how they are feeling on you and if I hear time heals I think I will explode. Others seem to think that your life magically goes back to normal. How wrong they are, especially if you have had a caring role. Your routine and life will never be the same.
You can become isolated through this time but keep the ones who know you best in your inner circle they will be there no matter what. Sometimes friends just want the gossip and then they clear off. Look after yourself both mentally and physically and learn to say No if you don’t feel happy with the situation. Goodness knows what Christmas will bring as again everyone will carry on as normal. What ever normal.
Take care of yourself
Hey
I am so sorry to hear of your loss it is just devastating hearing everyone’s stories it really is mind blowing. Thank you so much for your kind words it’s funny because when I first came on this site I did not think it would help me but it was the first thing I wanted to do after yesterday… it is comforting definatly x
You are right though nobody can understand how someone feels unless they have been through a loss everyone is different and I understand that but the last 18months I watched that poor man suffer daily and this will stay with me forever. The pain you feel when you loose someone is indescribable and I won’t have anyone picking out Paul’s faults we all have them I am not perfect and he knew that but that’s not for anyone else to say. He lost his life at the very young age of 46 and I don’t care what anyone says but that is just a terrible disease I won’t have her be so insensitive am I wrong ? My friend is insensitive and even the day of my boyfriends funeral I remember her having an argument with her ex partner on the phone in the car… so wrong.
People deal with grief in there own way and some days I am literally on the floor but I live with my daughter and have an older daughter too and I have to carry on I’m being honest I’ve thought about not but I have my kids and I think of them when I feel like this.
I am going to see a counsellor next week and I hope it helps me… who knows but I do know I need some help x
Sending all my love to everyone on here in the most difficult times of there lives x x
I’m so sorry for your loss, losing someone so close is definitely an eye opener, people who have not experienced it assume its the same as a loss of someone older in the natural order of things, my younger sister died at the beginning of July and that has broken me and my spirit, people really don’t have a clue or what you’re going through, my auntie died of pancreatic cancer a few years ago, that was awful for her children to watch, unless people walk in your shoes I think they need to be considerate, I get told regarding my sister atleast she’s in a better place, I’m a Christian but hearing that doesn’t really help, I’m aware she’s no longer in pain but that doesn’t take from the pain we are feeling the sadness, the anger, the unfairness of it all people just don’t really get it, I hope all goes well with the counsellor just let it all out and don’t be afraid to grieve, x
Hi Nic14, So sorry for your loss. Your “friend’s” words were thoughtless and inconsiderate. You have every right to your anger, hurt and outrage. Like Lean-Mil I also lost my precious younger Sister (she died suddenly a year after a “treatable” cancer diagnosis) I have not been the same since. I could compile a book (and I just might do so) on the cruel & insensitive comments I received. I experienced the same when my Mum died 6 yrs, prior. Interestingly one person actually repeated the same inane words both when my Mum died and later when my Sister passed on. Some folks have prepared responses that they spew out robotically when talking to a grieving person. I would prefer these socially inept people say nothing at all. It is said one must rearrange the address book following a loss, some entries need to be deleted. I hope you will find people who will provide comfort instead of more pain. I am glad you found this site, here you will find the sensitivity and kindness we all need in our time of devastating loss. For me it has been a God Send. Take care Xxx
Sorry for your loss 
Reading this makes me sad that the people you think would be there for you to support you actually don’t. It’s surprising how people think. It’s sad but it reality that not everyone is there to comfort you the way that you thought they’d be.
I’ve also had people who basically said I should stop using the passing of my dad as a reason for being sad/down. One of my colleagues actually said to someone (which I heard), Poor girl her dad was ill, oh poor girl her dad’s now dying, oh now he’s passed and now she’s no longer that poor girl so she has to look for sympathy somewhere doesn’t she?! Using her dad’s death as a “feel sorry me” factor!
Watching someone you love suffer for so long is heartbreaking anyway but then when they are told they don’t have long left it’s awful and it takes time to re adjust after they have gone.
I know it’s easier said than done but try not to get upset or annoyed. Like everyone says there are nice supportive people out there, and this site proves it. Reading through everyone’s replies its lovely to see everyone is kind and there for each other.
Thank you so much for your messages and I wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss sending lots of love and a big hung Xxx
Thank you so much for your kind words… I am so sorry for you losses too sending you a big hug x x x x
Thank you so much for your kind words and I am so sorry for your loss sending a big hug x x x x
I want to thank each and every one of you for taking the time out to send me a message. Everyone on here has there own grief and it is so unbelievably sad and everyone has been so kind and it’s crazy because we don’t know each other but yet you have all said such comforting things….
I can’t tell you all how thankful I am for everyone’s kind words Xxxx
There is so much comfort in reading that you are not alone, I’m hating my work just now, there’s a girl I work with and her mum is dying, my heart breaks for her but at the same time I’m reliving my sisters death when she talks about the pain her mum is in, when her mum feels better and there is hope I hurt as my sister didn’t get that, she was failed by the NHS by 3 hospitals, they diagnosed her wrongly and just went by that, when the pain started they said it was everything else going but cancer until the very end, one hospital said something else is going on while another said that hospital shouldn’t be saying that, we were told a couple of hours before she died on July the 2nd she need an op to drain an infection but her blood was to thin, an hour later they gave her blood thickening and it was working so they would op in the night, at 3.17am 3rd we got the call she died, bled to death internally, postmortem confirmed she was riddled with cancer, womb, stomach, bladder, liver, lymphatic system and yet she was diagnosed in sep last year with a low grade womb cancer that would take atleast 5 years before it would spread, there’s so much more that happened with cancelled app, Dr ignoring her, being sent home in agony, cover ups, the list goes on, my work colleague doesn’t see how her letting it out is breaking me, I’m trying so hard to be there for her but also my Dad was given a month to live 6 months ago, he lives in England me scotland so I can’t get to him that easily, so when she’s talking about Christmas if both our parents I’ve until then she’s not getting my dad will be alone where as her mum will have her family, people really don’t think
Oh Nic, I’m so sorry to read this. People can indeed be insensitive, especially when they haven’t lost a beloved partner like we have.
It’s hard enough without having to listen to rubbish like that!
You won’t lock yourself away even though I understand you want to.
We all understand your extreme grief & heartbreak, we really do.
It’s such early days for you too. It takes so long to start to learn to live your life differently.
Thinking of you, lots of love, Janey xx
Hi Nicole 14. I think I can understand- my partner died 3 months ago, and I can see the pained looks on peoples faces and hear their sighs as I talk over yet again how I’m feeling. I know they care and are worried about me but the fact he was an alcoholic and the past 10 years were far from idyllic for me - make it hard for them to understand my grief. For all his faults I loved and cared for him deeply and the sense of loss is overwhelming. Some days I feel a little happy so I know I’m on the mend. At the moment I find it hard to recall the happy times - I can’t explain that - I think it’s just too painful. But I miss him so much and often see no future for me I want to curl up with him and feel loved again. Anyway, I’m trying not to bore people and talk about him and will use this site instead. Your friends are probably trying in their own ways to help you but other than be there for you when you need it they will rarely find the right words and will be at a loss as to how to help. You will feel more positive in the future I’m sure - it just takes time.
I went through something similar once. Not the same as it was not someone who died but an unwanted separation after my H met someone else. And I was a heap on the floor. So not the same at all but just wanted to say I understand the awfulness of people’s reactions. What I learned from that was - you find out who your friends are. And in my case, out of all the people I knew, there was just one true friend. And that one true friend was like gold. Avoid contact with those who are nosy, ask lots of questions when you don’t feel like talking, or say insensitive gossipy things. Anyone who cares will not ask questions - they will just listen and let you talk if you want to or just be there if you don’t want to. Or just offer to help you with something or invite you for a coffee or something. Or just say - if there is anything you need, let me know.
I would say, take any offer of help that is offered - even little things like doing your shopping or coming round to help with cleaning once a week. Because it’s support. So you’re not having to do everything on your own.
Hi Janey
Thank you for your kind words…. I guess I hate to say it but I am already finding out people’s true colours… me for one am not the kind of friend even when my friends have moaned about there partners I was always the one to see both sides… I feel like with some of my friends they love all the bad stuff and also yes I get it people get on with there lives I accept that but for me it’s been 6 nearly 7 weeks no time at all not in the grand scheme of things all what me and paul went through from start to finish is huge and a life changer I just do t think some people get it and why would they. I know they are already fed up of me talking about paul I find people changing the subject and it’s making me want to shut off to all these people and then maybe that’s why they think I am half ok…
Friends n family say r u ok how you feeling… I say the same…
I literally get up go to work come home and just sit and think about recent times… I try and keep busy with house work etc as it does distract me… but like everyone on here I miss him so so much he was my go to and now I feel a massive void. I was so busy with paul hospital appointments scans chemo phone calls taking him here taking him there we spoke to each other’s all day every day and I’m a bit lost. There are still things I want to say to him I still thought we had time… it’s heartbreaking x x x
Hi
I am so sorry for your loss x
What you said about people thinking just because of the situation that you should kind of be ok that’s how I feel… people talk to me and I swear I can see it and hear it they think just because firstly me and paul did not live together we wasn’t married and we never had kids together they think she should be fine they never had the best relationship well so what none of that comes in to it… what matters is how we felt for our other halves yes people argue say stuff they don’t mean but paul was so ill and yea he did become someone different but I can’t blame him for that the man was going through absolute hell… I am so sick of having to justify what me and paul was. I know what we felt for each other we shared the most intimate times together I saw way more than I should of I know that but in a weird way him being ill made us closer…
Going through this really will change me forever and it has already made me see that half these so called people I don’t need…. X x x
I feel just that way - in fact since my partner’s death I’ve cut out some friends and now (since I’m a so called murder etc etc) his family too. I’ve had my fill of bullying and intimidation, abusive phone calls and texts. Where were all these people when R was alive and suffering, when I asked for help to cope with him they all refused because of his alcoholism. Now I’m the badie who killed him - the one who cared and loved him, got him to hospital when he was in a bad way and spent the last days of his life caring for him. When will people realise their grief would be better eased by kindness and understanding than aggression and slanderous abuse? Hey ho. Today turned into a good day with council confirmation we can plant a tree of remembrance beside the river where we often walked with our dog, who, by the way has been the most comforting and loving of friends. I fear people will never change but we can change our choice of friends and cherish those who really love and care for us.