Please can anyone offwr any hope?

Hello
I guess I’m looking in the wrong place and I may be searching for the impossible but is there anybody out there that can tell me that this desperation may improve one day and I might not always feel as bad as I do now.
I expect to always feel sad for the rest of my life after losing my Dad unexpectedly 8 weeks ago.
Is there anybody out there who felt as low as low can be and that things would never improve only to find things become more manageable?
I’m desperate and living as I am is no life at all.
Thank you.

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Hi Gee, I promise that things will improve but not overnight, it’s a slow process, everybodies experience is different, some days are better than others, it was at least 6 months after my Mum died before I felt as if the black cloud that was hanging over me, started to lift, I still miss her, and it’s years since she died, but I’m enjoying my life now, and I’m sure you will in time, it’s baby steps, be kind to yourself, love Jude xx

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Gee,

Next month it will unbelievably be 2 years since my best friend, my mum, died very suddenly from a brain hemorrhage aged 74.

I cannot believe I have made it this far. I thought I would die from the pain. I lived with my mum, shopped with her, socialised with her and together we brought my then, 12 year old daughter up.

I’m not going to lie. I still cry several times a week and there isnt an hour goes by where I dont think about her and suffer complete sadness and shock that she is gone.

However, I can promise you that things do get better. I find enjoyment in little things again. I enjoy a good drama on tv, a glass of wine. I share a joke with colleagues or laugh at something my daughter says.

You will get chinks of light again. I also lost my dad suddenly when I was 27 so have been through this twice.

You are still in very early days, but you will not feel the desperation that you currently feel forever.

Cheryl

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Hi Jude28
Thank you for your message, I do sometimes wonder if my body can take even another 8 weeks of this before bringing something serious on. The pain of so desperately wanting to turn the clock back and take things down a different path is excrutiating.
I don’t want happiness as I know I could never be happy being separated from Dad and seeing my Mum and children deprived of him, but I just hope I can function again one day and do what I need to to carry my Mum through and show my children some happiness again before they’re grown up.
Thank you, fingers crossed x

Hello Cheryl
Thank you for your message. I’m glad to hear you do have some happy times.
Like you, this was so unexpected and I feel like we’ve been robbed of everything and my Dad’s been robbed of years with us.
My life is absolutely dominated by regrets, grief, worry about my Mum and I also have a feeling this didn’t need to happen and medical care wasn’t probably as it should have been. My Dad deserved so much more and the pain is constant. I have terrible flashbacks. My poor Dad. My poor Mum.
I hope one day I can smile at my Mum and children again. I hope I can do a school run without crying, I hope I can one day take the children somewhere. As I am now, all I want to do is think about Dad and sleep. I know I need to pull my Mum through.
You mention that you lost your Dad first. Did you then struggle to help pull your Mum through? Currently I am no use to her and as my grief is so strong (as is hers) we seem unable to help each other.
Oh why did this have to happen?
Taks care x

Hi Gee

When I was 27 and my mum and dad were both 53, my dad had a sudden heart attack and died in bed. My mum had just gone to make him a morning cuppa.
The shock and the grief were dreadful and I felt so young, but I remained strong to help my mum through. We went on holidays, we went everywhere together and then when my sisters children came followed by my daughter, 14 years ago, I felt mum was fine.
Losing my mum has unearthed all the grief over my dad, as well as the shock and trauma of losing my mum .
Two years on and it only takes someone to say ‘how are you?’ , and my eyes fill with tears

When I say, I dont know how I have got this far, I mean it. I worried if my mum was ten minutes late from the shops. She was an hour late once after an afternoon drinking with friends in London and I nearly filed a missing person report.

My mum and daughter were my life and everything I ever worried about, came true.

I hate anyone over 75 because they are still living and my mum isnt. I carry so much bitterness and sadness.

However, I do get some enjoyment out of life again and you will too. The first 12 months after mum died I didnt care less if i died as well (i was never suicidal but not fussed if i went to bed and failed to wake up)

But I dont feel like that anymore. I want my daughter to have her mum, like i had my mum. I want to see her grow up, and go through life. I want to make her dinner when she turns up in her 30s unannounced.

I want my mum to be there too but that cant happen. I dont accept it, but I do know it to be true now.

I rarely comment on posts these days because I worry that people will feel disheartened that they see I still struggle after 2 years.

However, you sounded so desperate and you arent asking for much, that I wanted to reassure you that things do get better x

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Hello Cheryl
I’m very glad that you did reply to my message. Thank you.
We sound quite similar - my mum and dad have always been my world and I’ve dreaded anything happening to either of them since I lost my Grandma aged 12.
I just shout out “No” and “Dad” when I’m doing things in the hope that it isnt real but I know it is.
We would never leave each other without waves and a kiss, now I’ve lost him forever with no goodbye. My son was Grandad’s best friend and his life is turned upside down too.
I too have the bitterness and resentment regarding older people.
My Dad was such a good, decent, polite and honest man and he deserved more.
I only saw him through the window last year due to shielding. If I’d known, I’d have slept outside the patio door to be close to him and if not that, I’d have phoned him 6 times a day instead of 3.
When it sinks in that there’s nothing I can do about this mess, I just want to scream and run.
I think if I locked myself in a room and cried solidly for 10 years, there’d still be more tears to come.
I love my mum and dad so much. Mum and Dad have always been the only people I have 100% trusted and respected, we were a trio that tackled everything together and now Mum and I feel we can’t function - he was the strength. Of course, I have children now that I love dearly too but I feel pain when I think how much my Dad would love to be in their company and how much they’d love to be with him.
Why is life so unfair?
I’m glad you felt an improvement over time but I do sometimes worry that grief will make me seriously ill first.
Thank you x

Hi Gee

I will admit to drinking a bit more than I should. I can easily down a bottle of wine but I do lots of exercise and generally eat well.
The human body is amazing at surviving and you will recover from this. You will never ‘move on’ or get over what has happened but you will find a way to move forward.
What happened to your dad and how old was he?

I think sometimes that things happen that are out of our control. I felt such guilt for 18 months or more.
Guilt that I didnt notice her symptoms ( she had a mini stroke on the 2nd june and her brain hemorrhage on the 13th)
Guilt that we sat and drank wine instead of green tea or something healthy. Guilt that we stayed up late or that I allowed her to make me tea and toast at 4 am when I was on early turns.

Now the guilt has largely gone. You get one life and me and mum had a laugh. We got tipsy and we went out for lunch.
We went on weekends away and we stayed up late having a giggle watching Gogglebox.

I dont regret a thing. I just wish I got another 10 years with her.
She was the youngest of 6 and her 3 oldest siblings are still going strong aged 89, 85 and 84.
I wish them no harm but why are they alive and my mum isnt?

Life is bloody cruel but we only get one of them. I nearly lost my partner through my grief and obsession with mums death. I’m now working on making my life better for him and my daughter before I lose them both.

Hi C1971
Would you mind if I send you a private message?

Of course…please do x

hello @Gee1

My husband died suddenly of a heart attack in October. We were so happy and in love, a month earlier we’d celebrated our 15th Wedding anniversary. A day earlier we’d been on a long healthy walk. 10 minutes earlier he’d been drinking coffee and chatting whilst both of us were at our computers.

The months that followed every day I woke shaking and crying and researching/gathering ways to kill myself as I couldn’t cope with the level of pain and I felt no hope at all. In that instant my past, present and future were all gone. I felt so overwhelmed with all the practical details like if i could afford to keep our house, the funeral, how to organise a funeral, a post mortem and all the paperwork. Every moment of my life changed as i spent it with him. Eating reminded me of him, sleeping in our bed, waking up, showering… he was everywhere but he wasnt. Every minute I was awake was pure hell and I couldn’t see how it could ever not be.

Through family and people on here’s advice I got in contact with the Dr, for all the good I thought it would do. I still intended to kill myself once i could work out the best way to do it and not make my family find me or have to clean up too much of my paperwork. The dr gave me Diazepam which I eventually took. It sent me into a pleasant daze for a week which meant when i came off it i was in a bit better shape with less body aches as my body had had a rest from the tension for a week. That helped.

At a later stage I got counselling, that helped a bit too but every other hour of the week still felt like torment at first until some of the talking started to help. I was up and down from hour to hour though and when i was down i was really down. The counsellor and people on here again encouraged me to speak to my dr again, i did and this time was put on anti depressants (citalopram). I didnt believe it would help and it was worse before it was better but now, whilst i still feel sad i no longer have that overwhelming urge to escape my life. It’s not pleasant and i have a lot of stuff still to solve that overwhelms me but ive learned to be a bit more patient with myself (still a work in progress). After 6 months I can’t believe that I am still alive and that i can enjoy things again. I go for walks now and make a list of ice cream flavours to try at the ice cream parlour in order of which are my favourite as i work my way through the list. I never would have thought i could enjoy such a trivial thing again a few months back… so there is hope I think.

I hope you find some too, its hard to get a GP appointment when you feel like this but was worth it for me despite the annoying hellbeast on reception blocking me several times and me almost giving up. I now see i may have a life to live, something i never thought id say again. Good luck and take good care.

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It was really good to read your post and the fact that with time you have started to enjoy small things again after your loss . I am 4 weeks following the death of my husband and dad and wonder if I will ever enjoy life again so thank you for giving me a bit of hope. I have been close to the edge a few times, feeling depressed and desperate without my love . I am taking antidepressants and tomorrow I will receive some counselling from the hospice. Feels like hell at the moment but there is hope further down the line

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Hello Fleurdelis
Thank you for your message of hope. I really don’t know how to make it through each day - I feel today is going to be another bad one.
The shock at losing someone unexpectedly is so cruel. I keep thinking this time 3 mths ago we were planning for the future, now I feel a huge part of me has died.
I have to try to keep going for my Mum and children but I’m terrible company and I actually think my eldest son avoids me.
I love my Dad so much, he was an ever present friend and support in my life and just adored being the best Grandad in the world, he and we have all lost so much and I can’t come to terms with it.
I have diazepam but it isn’t helping me.
I’ve lost my faith so no longer pray , I’ve had no signs. I just feel desolate, guilty and desperate.
It’s good to hear that you have made progress - today, I just wish I could stay in bed all day and hide from this horrible world where I feel even God has turned on me.

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Hi Gee,
I am so sorry to hear how you are struggling so much regarding the loss of your dad. I wish I could offer words of comfort except we know what you’re going through, so many of us are going through it, and it’s unbearable. I just wanted you to know you can talk to us on here - there is always someone for you to talk to and for them to listen.
I lost my mum 10 weeks ago and I’m distraught. She was everything to me and the deep sadness and grief is with me everyday. I’ve just had a meltdown wishing she was still here as had problems with some company and my mum would be telling me not to get upset and that everything would be alright - but she’s not here and I just so wish she was.
FleurdeLis has given some great help - and others too. I come on daily to see if any messages can help me.
My mum was my reason for living.
We’re all here for you

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Hello Anne
Thank you for your message. It’s not just the grief that’s torturing me but the guilt too. All the if onlys. I didnt go in my Mum and Dads house for a year during lockdown, they were so scared of covid.
I now wish I’d gone in and tried to get the help he needed. When I say that, it increases my mums guilt as she was with him. District nurses were going to see him but now I feel that he hasn’t received a good standard of care and this needn’t have happened.
I think the guilt we both feel is going to make us ill if our loss doesn’t. We can’t live without him.
I think its starting to take a toll physically now, I really can’t see any way through.
Feeling that you’ve let the most important man in your life go is just too much to handle. Then watching it destroy your mum is too much. If only I could turn the clock back, if only, if only, if only.

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Hi Gee,
You mustn’t feel guilty - you thought you were doing the best for your mum & dad by not visiting - they knew you were always there for them if they needed you.
Guilt & regret are the worse things and something I’ve struggled with and continue to struggle with. If only I’d rung the ambulance instead of the NHS Dr then my mum might still be alive. She developed sepsis and by ringing the ambulance 3 days earlier she might have survived. I have to live with that for the rest of my life now. So many if only’s too. The guilt is the worse feeling ever.
There are so many if only’s to everybody’s loss. I know I won’t be able to say anything to make you feel any better - because nobody can with me. In time, I’m sure the guilt will pass. Your dad knew how much you loved him so always remember that.
I’m a mess so I’m not a good person to give you advice. Just know I’m here if you ever need to chat - as so many others are too.
Write any time.

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I sadly feel exactly the same after losing my dad to covid 18 wks ago. I am finding it harder as time is going on. I so muss my dad and sad all the time, i can’t talk about him without crying. I am so so sorry for your loss :heart:

Hi Sugarsoap
I’m sorry to hear of your loss and that you feel like me. It’s no way to live. I think about my Dad constantly and long to turn the clock back. An ything in the present or future terrifies me as my Dad was a constant in my life and now he’s not there.
I need to hear his voice, touch his hand and I can’t do either.
I find mornings are the worst. I hate to see the sun rise on a day that my Dad won’t see. Are you bad on a morning?
I’ve lost my faith and can’t make any sense of things. I’ve lost heart trying to get help - I’ve used the grief chat instant chat things but the other night I got the impression tbey send back standard template texts. I just don’t know what to do anymore.
At 18 weeks, you’re double the number of weeks to me and time clearly hasn’t helped you. I worry about it never helping because every day that passes is another day without dear Dad and I miss him more and more.
Why did this have to happen.

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Hi gee, bless you, we are both on the same page. I have done the grief chat and the same as you i think it,s a template too, it was,nt any help to me.
Any death is devastating but just the thought of not being able to be with my dad has just been so traumatic, i am thinking if him all day. I am lucky in the way if having videos of him but i am to scared to watch them. I really wished i could give you positives and help with your pain but there is nothing that is helping me that i can suggest to you. Everyone tells me time and that you learn to cope, i honestly can’t see that.
This wk has been so bad, it,s when they announced that next wk we can hug eachother we will never be able to hug our dads and it totally devastates me. They keep on about normal life, nothing will be normal again, how can it be ??
I really do feel for you because i know exactly how you feel. Please keep in touch with me Gee. Thinking of you xx

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Hi Sugarsoap
Thinking of you too. Done a lot of crying again today, it happened on a Friday, nothing will ever be the same again.
I don’t wat ch any tv anymore, couldn’t bear to see the news and all the talk of normality and can’t vear to see all the smug people living their lives and mKing plans (I already see too much of that on the school run and it cripples me).
I honestly can’t imagine smiling again - I’ve always been a worrier and afraid of what could be arpund the corner but now I know it’s nothing but misery.
Do you have children? I think some people think that because I have children, I just need to pick myself up, look after them and I’ll be ok but the pain of my Dad being separated from the grandchildren that he worshipped makes my grief even harder.
I try hope that time does have some magic healing effect because I don’t see how people can be e xpected to live like this.
I need you so much Dad, I really do. Sleep is the only break I get - hope you’re managing to sleep, but waking up with it being the first thing on my mind is the worst part of the day.
I hope one day we can both breathe again and I hope our Dad’s both know how loved they are. I worry that mine didn’t know.
Take care x

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