Please can anyone offwr any hope?

Lonely,

Gee1 started this thread desperately seeking support following the sudden devastating loss of a parent.

I simply wanted to reassure Gee1 how devastating the effect of losing my mum has had on me. There have been times when I have felt hate for people that have made an older age than my poor mum.

At no point did I suggest that the over 75s havent had a difficult time and f course, I dont hate over 75s in general. I was just trying to reassure Gee1 that I also feel the bitterness that she does at times. It’s not right but its how i can feel without my mum in my life.

If I meant that I was envious, I would have used that word.

Cheryl

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Lonely,

I can only hope in 7 years that I dont feel the bitterness and resentment that i currently do and I feel envy like you do.
I still have a long way to go unfortunately

Hi Sarahm
Sorry for your loss. Like you, I didn’t expect this to happen and then to find ourselves in this mess is surreal. Everything has changed in the most terrible of ways and I repeatedly ask myself what am I going to do? What are Mum and I going to do?
It just feels,like it shouldn’t have happened and needn’t have happened and I carry so much guilt and many regrets. I yearn to turn the clock back but all the things I want, I know I can’t have.
People say it gets easier and that is really the only glimmer of hope we have.
I hope we both stay strong to one day experience days that aren’t as painful.
Take care

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I had a good morning and afternoon in my garden after buying some plants with my mum and stepdad this morning. This evening they picked me up again. I am staying at theirs as I have been for the past two months. I was fine then I thought its the eurovision song contest and wasn’t sure if I could bear to watch it or bear to miss it. my husband and I watched it together before we met in real life and it was our dream to go and see it together, we said we would one day, definitely when one of our countries won.

Holland won and we had tickets to go finally last year the year of our 15th wedding anniversary so it felt like everything was coming together.
We were so excited then the pandemic came so the whole eurovision was cancelled but we just thought we’ll do it 2021. But he’s dead.

it turns out its not tonight but the whole thing made me on a downward spiral of me spending the last half hour upstairs on their bathroom floor on my knees sobbing. Then I’ve come on the sofabed and calmer now but I’ve got really bad stomach pains… it’s just crazy the swing in emotions constantly. And it wasn’t even eurovision anyway. that’s next week.

Urgh. Hope you are all surviving.

Oh @FleurDeLis what are we going to do with you? Bless you, all that upset tonight and it isn’t on. At least you now know that Eurovision is coming and you can prepare for it by deciding whether to watch it or not. If you are not up to it, but think you may want to watch it at a later date, you could record it. I hope you have calmed a bit now and that your stomach pains have eased. You have nil points for getting the date wrong, but 10 points for having a good day and buying plants. Take care.

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thank you Wong x I’m just in agony. It could be wind instead of grief though as ive been gasping air but I cant seem to solve it either way.
I’m crying a lot but trying to be quiet as possible writhing around in agony on the squeaking sofabed. I don’t want anything but him. How can it be right that its like this.

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Hi
I’m having a miserable evening as usual.
I really need my Dad.
Just thinking of how everything we used to enjoy and plan for has now gone.
What’s the point in ever buying greetings cards again and saying Happy Birthday, Happy Easter, Happy Christmas . Nothing is ever going to be happy again without my Dad. My Dad is central to his family’s happiness and without him everything seems bleak.

Why do people say take it one day at a time? Every day is miserable, if not more miserable than the last. Is it just because we’re supposed to be counting down to the end because it really does feel like this suffocating misery is to be endured for as long as we’re here.

Sorry for such a negative post but I feel really in despair.

How I miss you Dad, What would I do to wind back the clock, ring your telephone number and actually speak to you. What was an everyday thing taken for granted will never happen again, I will never hear you again and I can’t bear it.

I’ve lost my faith but I hope my Dad knows how much I love him. I couldn’t love you more Dad.

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Thank you Sheila I had a horrible night that night and your post and others helped pass the minutes and not feel so alone. I feel better now from those pains at least and today had quite a good day with minimal crying for not very long and some laughing.

@Gee1 it is so hard that we are exposed to this chaos underneath everything and our lack of control. I live so many scenarios in my head where my husband could be with me if this had happened or I’d done that but he’s not… My god this is so tough isn’t it and I am sorry you are going through this suffering because your dad means so much to you and the grief is the price for our love.

Greetings cards stir all kinds of emotions now and yes it is hard to imagine a happy anything now… For now we survive one day to the next because although people like you and I may not have faith we can still have hope. Hope that we don’t cause those around us more of this suffering by not dying but trying to stay alive, hope we can help others new to our situation (as everyone will be at some time…). Hope we can learn to enjoy some moments again. I think your loss is more recent than mine but I enjoyed some strawberries yesterday. Today I enjoyed some other stuff. Months ago I wouldn’t have thought I could care about anything again and I know I will definitely never be tha person I was or as happy as I was but I have some hope that I can make something more than survival out of this that I’m left with of my shattered life in the end. But for now survival is enough. Eat sleep rest hydrate and do it again tomorrow, hoping more will come.

After saying all that I can say this because today I had some good moments. Some days I wouldn’t be able to write this message (actually most days) as I feel so hopeless but just the fact I have some chinks of light in the darkness at all gives me hope.

Take care and keep breathing, sometimes thats all we can do because this is a truly awful reality we are dealing with.

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Hi Fleurdelis I feel I am at a similar stage to you, a few chinks of light now and again which like you gives me a glimmer of hope.
I know that I need and want to carry on but it’s difficult to imagine feeling really happy again.
I had to go into work today for a meeting as I have been off work since Geoff died last November, it wasn’t as bad as I was expecting it to be and they were really kind and understanding. My headteacher said we are all missing you and especially hearing you humming tunes all the time. It sounds so silly, but it made me cry. It’s something I’ve always done without realising that I was doing it. I cried because I know that I haven’t done it since Geoff died, I always thought it was just a habit but now I realise that it was my inner happiness and now its gone :disappointed_relieved:
The only thing that annoyed me today was a friend saying “you need to come back to work to help you get over it, so you can be happy again.”
I did explain that I will never get over it, and I know she didn’t mean anything by it, but that’s not how it works!
It’s such a relief to talk on here because we all know that until it happens to you, you just cannot understand, what an absolutely devastating reality this is. It’s probably good that they or we didn’t know what this is really like, but very sad to know that everyone has this to come.
I’m sorry that I missed your chat the other night when you were in agony, I’ve been there too with the trapped wind and paced the bedroom for hours, wondering how long I could stand it before I rang for help (everything is so scary now we are alone.) Never had this before Geoff died, so something else I can put down to grief I suppose.
Love and hugs :hugs: Jacky

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I know what you mean Jacky about people reminding you of what you used to be. I wonder if you’ll start humming without thinking about it again at some point. I used to sing a lot around the house every day (never in front of anyone but René, I was literally chucked out of the choir at school so it’s not the voice of an angel!!)
I started doing it a bit again but it’s always sad songs now that make myself cry once I realise what I’m doing.

I hope some of your inner happiness comes back in time so you can hum again. It’s weird when people remind us of our old self before because we have had such massive change and trauma we will just never be that person again.

I’m not anything like that now and feel I’m pretending at being the old me on video meetings but it’s not real anymore.

Going into work is such a big step, especially in a school, well done. Im glad it sounds like it was not as bad as expected. I couldn’t manage it so far but planning my first time in the office tomorrow afternoon just for a short while. There shouldn’t be many people in as we have to get permission to go in due to covid.

Thanks again for the support. take care.

Hi Gee

I know it feels so bleak in the early days and it isnt massively better for me now almost 2 years on, but things do improve I promise.

You will start to live a life in which you and your mum make plans or you do something with a friend or your child and you realise that you havent mistakenly included your dad. You do gradually learn to live a life without them.

This is from me, who still rang her mum at the age of 48 to let her know I was safely at work or on the train home. My mum used to get up and have tea with me at 4 am before I left for work and I never even considered going clothes shopping without her. My life completely revolved around my mum and I have very gradually learnt to live a life without her.

It will get better Gee, it’s just a long process and you have to accept that x

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Hi again, I know what you mean about the old me. Another of my friends, also yesterday, said I want you to come back to work, I so miss your wit and one liners. I think we forget what we were like and how others saw us.
But another friends said you seem much better and happier. I said (like we all know,) this is my outdoor mask, very different to the indoor one.
Hopefully I will catch myself humming when I least expect it and even eventually a bit of my wit might return.
Take care Jacky

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Ha @FleurDeLis I used to like singing but got the words wrong, and can’t sing. With @Jacko humming we could form a choir of our own!

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Sounds like a plan, just need a name for the choir :rofl:

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yes we should totally do that and go for Xmas number one for charity so people are guilted into buying it. I vould enlist my 4 cats for backing vocals (or maybe vice versa, second thoughts they may be better up front!)

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Gareth Malones grieving partners. I’m sure he could come up with a good song for us all.
Just have to hope he catches us all on a good day or it could be a disaster. Xxxx

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Ha ha if the cats are joining in too we could call ourselves The Catterwauls.

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