I’m 25. I lost my dad during the lockdown, very unexpectedly and suddenly from a heart attack, one minute he was perfect fine, then gone in a matter of seconds. He was abroad when he died (he’d just taken early retirement with my mum and they’d bought their dream house in France). Due to the foreign laws, his funeral was to talk place only 3 days after his death, leaving my mum a complete mess and stranded alone abroad since we couldn’t travel over due to restrictions. Thankfully, another family member managed to contact authorities and got permission for emergency travel
I am so sorry, Sam.
I really feel for you at the moment. You need to know that despite not being able to travel you can still contact family members for support. Try using zoom to call your mum. Maybe socially distance vist a friend in their garden now that is allowed. Perhaps when this is over your mum will come home and spend some time with you or you could go and stay with her in France. You should be allowed some berevement leave from work and you are allowed to hold onto holidays until after COVID situation. Or if unfortunately you have been made redundant then maybe you could use some savings and go and stay with your mum and support each other for a bit. Lean on people you have in your life. If you are lucky enough to have people willing to support you then please ask them to do so and let them take care of you for a bit. Of course you will need that support because you will also have to give support to your mum and you dont have to be right there to give support. Know that any phone call or video chat can make the difference right now. I know how difficult it is to keep going on and how isolating COVID has made things. But you can do this you are young and you have loads of memorys of your dad you should talk to some of his friends and keep his memory alive. Make arrangements to visit them after this is over. Know that even though we are strangers there are lots of people on this site thinking of you and understanding what you are going through.
Lockdown is horrendous for bereavement. Ive lost my mother, husband, father and cat between 2016 and 2018 (plus years of anticipatory grief during caring for mum and dad) and Id kept it all bottled up inside by keeping busy. And now theres nowhere to run away to any more. Four bereavements hitting me at once. The pain is indescribably and completely debilitating. You have my sympathies.
Gosh I’m so sorry to hear this I can’t imagine facing so many close losses in such a short space of time! Especially with the lockdown as you find yourself with nothing to do except think! I hope you’re doing okay, thank you for commenting, it brings a slight bit of relief and reassurance knowing there are people out there who understand, as a lot of my friends and family haven’t lost anyone close to them before so they can’t understand what it’s like.
Thank you so much for your comment. Yes, we’ve been visiting my sister in her garden, which has been really lovely actually, and making sure me and mum go out for walks every day so we’re not cooped up inside the house and overthinking too much. But it’s still hard whenever we go out and about to the supermarket or whatever and you see someone you haven’t seen for a while and you have to explain the story to them all over again, I just can’t be doing with interaction for the time being haha. Maybe once I’ve got my head a bit more screwed on and processed it a bit more, it’ll get easier. We visited one of dad’s friends once we got back from France, but had to leave shortly after as I was sobbing so much I could barely speak.
It’s hard because everything feels contradictory, I feel alone and like I want support but then at the same time I don’t want to talk to anyone and I’m not ready to talk yet. Guess I’ll just have to work through things at my own pace and when things feel right!
Yes dealing with other people during grief is so difficult. The advice is to connect with others (not easy right now) but I find I don’t have much tolerance for people and small talk and just want to withdraw. And then people just dont know what to say anyway! Thank goodness for forums like this.
aLongTimeComing and Samlyon95,
I am so very sorry for all of the loss you all have experienced. My father passed away two months ago and I couldn’t see him for a long time before he passed away because of the virus. I totally understand about not wanting to be around people. I’m almost grateful that it’s happened during the pandemic, because I have a really good excuse not to bother going around people. Everyone thinks I should just get over it because it’s been two months, but I find that it’s actually getting harder every day and I cry more The more time that goes by. But at least I don’t have to keep hearing people telling me to move on because now I can just be the crazy lady that scared of the virus. And somehow that just makes it easier right now.
I just wanted to say that my mum died suddenly and very unexpectedly last june. It’s only since the anniversary 11 days ago that I have started to see a chink of light at the end of the tunnel and to think that I may possibly enjoy some aspects of life again.
2 months is nothing! I was still crying uncontrollably at 12months. In the last few days I’ve started to feel a little better but I still dont want to see people, socialise and cant envisage going out with friends or going to a family occasion without my mum for years.
Thank you, Cheryl , for the reply. Coming to this site has helped me so much the one place that I can say what’s on my mind and feel 100% supported. I really appreciate you and I hope you can find some joy a little more each day.
I am so sorry for your loss, I know exactly what you are going through losing so many people so close together and how hard it can be. I too bottle it up because in order to cope with normal life sometimes you have to and the keeping busy part. because you have to keep it in to be strong for others but when they are no longer any others to be strong for it is hard and you have to let it out. I am very worried about you and I really hope that you have someone in your life to support you now. Whether it is a friend or family member. I understand and hope that you take care of yourself. Take time to grieve to shout and scream to pamper yourself and to cry. Try also if you can to get some exercise it can help with all the energy from grieving. You either have lots of angry energy wanting to fight or no energy to care. Sometimes you dont want to get out of bed other times you want to walk till you drop but there is no one left to look after you. Other days you feel like crying your heart out and other times you feel completely numb. Here is a safe space to just talk and feel. But you also need support in real life I do hope you have someone to turn to. Take care, thinking of you.
Dont you listen to anyone telling you that you should get over it in two months they havent got a clue and obviously have been lucky enough not to lose anyone that close yet. Everyone grieves in their own time. With my dad I didn’t get a chance to really start to grieve till two years later. I also started grieving for him again when my mum got very ill and my brother started playing up because I knew if my dad would have been there it would have been easier. It is okay to grieve however you need to grieve. It will always be hard when you reach anniversarys and milestones no matter when they are. But you will also have good memories and cherish them. Maybe there are other people though in your circle that are also grieving for your father and maybe you could meet up with them after this is over and share some memories. Even though you cant cope with talking to people just now keep the lines of communication open with people who want to be there for you and who understand let them know that you appreciate their thoughts but you arent ready to deal yet and you would appreciate them making the time when you are. Take care
Thanks Meebee. After spending most of last week crying I feel much calmer this week. Dont know whether its a temporary respite in the eye of the storm or whether something inside has shifted, but Im making the most of the emotional space it has given me. Either way I can hold on to the knowledge that it ebbs and flows and ‘this too shall pass’. Thanks for your support.
Sometimes crying does help it can be a release. I am glad you feel a bit better this week, you are right emotions are in such an ebb and flow right now. Everything is a step sometimes it gets better and sometimes it is worse. I hope that you have some support in real life too as it will make such a difference. But thank you for your reply as it means so much when people say they have taken the time to read it. It is the little things that can mean so much right now. Take care of yourself.
I’m so sorry for your losses & the grief. I lost my son aged 22 year old in June to SADS just so suddenly. I am utterly broken & cry uncontrollably. Sometimes the tears provide moments of relief however not for long. I have no idea how to attempt the future without my beautiful boy
My heart is broken into a million pieces with no way of repairing it. I lost my mum to suicide when I was 5 & my gran to suicide at 6. A lifetime of grief already & now my son…I will long for him til my last breath
Wishing hope & strength for us all x
I am so very sorry that you have lost so many of your loved ones to suicide. x x x x x
I’m so sorry for your loss. Lockdown has made an awful time like losing a loved one even more difficult, if that’s even possible.
I too lost my dad, very sudden and unexpected to a heart attack in March. He was also abroad at the time since he moved there 5 years ago with his partner. Because if covid we were unable to fly over there, so my dad didn’t have family around him, he didnt have a funeral, he didnt have the send off he deserved. Its coming up to 6 months and we are still waiting for his ashes to be returned to us (partner is being spiteful- long story)
My heart goes out to you and your mum
Sorry for your loss.
It’s dreadful at anytime, but worse when lockdown in place.
My 44 yr old son died unexpectedly on his bed. He was neglected by Carers and hospital as he had mental health issues…