I’m 25. I lost my dad during the lockdown, very unexpectedly and suddenly from a heart attack, one minute he was perfect fine, then gone in a matter of seconds. He was abroad when he died (he’d just taken early retirement with my mum and they’d bought their dream house in France). Due to the foreign laws, his funeral was to take place only 3 days after his death, leaving my mum a complete mess and stranded alone abroad since we couldn’t travel over due to restrictions. Thankfully, another family member managed to contact authorities and got permission for emergency travel, but only 2 people could travel. I travelled with my auntie that same day we got permission. That was stressful enough as my dad had 3 daughters which meant my 2 sisters couldn’t even be there for my dad’s funeral. Anyway, the entire thing has been horrendously stressful due to the lockdown and the foreign laws, everything was complex as hell, I won’t go into too much detail as I’ll be here for hours, but every aspect we hit another stressful challenge, from mum potentially losing the house she lived in with dad because there was no agreement put in their file when they bought it, righ through to getting dad’s ashes (it’s illegal to keep them in your possession in France so we had to gain a license/certificate to transport them home, for which they also needed the family’s birth certificates, passports, my car insurance policies, even a full in-depth route that we were taking home with road names and all so they knew where it was being transported).
THEN, only a week after dad died, we got a message to say that my auntie had passed away from corona virus. Just unbelievable, like we didn’t have enough thrown at us with dad’s death.
It took 7 weeks to finally get all of the paperwork sorted (or enough for us to be able to come home anyway), so we’ve finally managed to get home. However, we’ve now been home for 3 weeks and it’s really started to catch up with me. I think because we had so much to deal with abroad, we didn’t stop for a moment to even process everything, and now we have, it’s getting very hard. Mum is living with me in my little flat for the time being, and is having to sleep on my sofa bed which isn’t ideal, but she has nowhere else to go. However, my partner of 5 years is refusing to stay with me due to the lockdown laws. He’s visited on a couple of brief occasions, and although he’s hugged me, he hasn’t even kissed me at all, and we’ve barely spoke for about 10 weeks now since it happened. I’m really struggling with support now, having to deal with everything and not having anyone’s help, especially my partner’s. I try telling him that I feel like I’m missing the support and it’s like he just gets angry that I’m blaming him and I end up feeling like the bad guy.
To make matters worse, one of my friends has just been admitted to hospital after her 3rd suicide attempt after desperately struggling with the lockdown and every day I’m trying to message her to tell her how much I care and I’m just bombarded with suicidal messages from her and my brain just cannot cope any longer.
I manage about 30 minutes of activity, whether it’s watching TV or trying to do some crafting, and then my energy crashes and I can’t cope. I can’t maintain conversations with people because I feel like it takes too much brain power.
I’ve lost all of my work due to the lockdown, and have nothing now booked in until next year due to a lot of my work being booked in advance, and I’m just really hitting a rock now where I don’t know what to do anymore, I’ve got no job, little money, no dad, no auntie, and almost no partner, and not having anyone’s support is getting the better of me. I feel it’s hard asking for help, and when I talk to my partner, I think I just end up snapping at him and I just end up feeling worse than before I even tried talking to him in the first place.
What do I do?
Hi Sam, I’m surprised you haven’t had replies from other community members, but you will. I just had to reply and assure you others are listening. It took me some time to absorb all the traumas you have been through in the past weeks. I’m not surprised you are asking for help and I’m sure you will get some from this site. You have a lot on your young shoulders and I wish I could offer you some meaningful advice but I know others will. Perhaps contacting your GP would be a start and he/she could refer you to professional counsellors.
My thoughts are with you at this horrible time.
AL
Thank you so much for your reply. I think I rambled a bit too much and most people don’t want to sit and read a full essay haha, I just got a bit carried away!
Thank you for your advice, I think I am going to contact my GP, I’ve been thinking about it for a while, but wasn’t sure if counsellors or mental health support was available on the NHS and I can’t afford to pay to see a private counsellor at the moment since I’ve not been working. This might be a really stupid question, but since I’ve never needed the support before, I guess I don’t know any better - is counselling available on the NHS?
I’m glad you’re thinking of contacting your GP. Sue Ryder offer a counselling service and you could contact www.cruse.org.uk/get-help but I believe there is a waiting list for both, and I think both are free of charge. If you google Counselling for bereavement you will see various sites including NHS.
You’re doing something and that’s important.
AL
Thank you so much, that is such amazing help, I really do appreciate it x And thank you for taking the time to let me know you’re listening too, it’s an odd kind of reassurance somehow amongst the chaos!
Hi Sam
My god what a nightmare. I think you need to break everything down into manageable chunks. Write a list if it helps and deal with one thing at a time. At the moment you and your mum are your priority. If your partner is not going to support you right now then back away and let him come to you. Don’t try and deal with him on top of all this. You don’t need relationship problems at the moment. Clear him out of your mind for now if he is of no support. (Easier said than done I know) but it seems it’s actually causing you more stress.
You also need to go to the dr or seek some counselling to help you work through and process what has happened to you all. As I say. One thing at a time. One step at a time. Priorities are your mum and your mental health. Put your partner on the back burner until he’s more willing to be a proper loving partner.
Your friend sounds like she is in the best place and I hope she has family supporting her. Of course continue with your messages that’s lovely of you to do that. But try not to let the messages affect you too deeply. She is mentally ill and needs professional care which it sounds like she is getting. I had a friend who used to send me messages like that. It’s hard I know. But just continue telling her you care but let the professionals do their job with her.
It won’t always be like this I promise you. One step at a time and deep breaths.
Thank you so much for this. It sounds very obvious doesn’t it, everything you’ve suggested, but when your head is mashed, you don’t even think about dealing with one thing at a time because you feel like everything is a priority and everything needs dealing with there and then.
I think you’re actually wise to say about just stepping back from the relationship for a while, I’ve been going in circles in my head; do I not talk to him and feel miserable? Do I break up with him because it’s not working out? All probably a very irrational and big overreaction to something he’s not even thought twice about but it’s funny how much things can weigh on your mind. I think I will just step back and maybe clear my head from any more overthinking on that side of things.
I’m going to pick myself up a notebook I think and try writing things down, that’s a nice idea, might let me focus on each individual thing a bit more.
As for my friend, she’s messaged today to say she’s being transferred to a new stay-in site, so I’m hoping she will get the care she needs and I can also take a step back from that for a little while.
Thank you so much for your response honestly, like I say, it might sound like little simple things, but they’re all great suggestions that I wouldn’t have even thought of. Thank you xo