Back doing the dishes again, and thinking of my wife, a time when we had been arguing. we argued all the time, it was part of who we were as a couple, neither of us was afraid to tell the other that we disagreed with them, why we disagreed with them and how they could sort that out. At length. it was all done with love and curiosity. But it wasn’t that type of disagreement i was remembering, it was the type that we all have, the serious ones, the ones where apologies are needed and given. As I was thinking this it occurred to me that this was the first time in a while I’d recollected one of these times. then I remembered that in the first few months it was all I remembered about her, us, the mistakes I had made, those she had, the bitter words we’d uttered to each other in the heat of a moment. It drove me mad for so much of the time. I knew that we had great times, that we loved each other but there it was on repeat, all the shit. Things have moved so far away from that now, I think of my wife with sadness and joy and loss and love but rarely like those early days where it was all just so negative. Some form of guilt perhaps? a natural defence? I really don’t know, I’m just glad its come to an end. Funny thing is i didn’t even notice it had stopped, I’m just here in a different space now. Now I’ve come to a point where it just is, if that makes sense. memories are generally positive, they still hurt but not like then. They aren’t trying to convince me that all I and my wife had was crap. Anyone else been through this?
We were the opposite. Very rarely argued, we talked and analyzed. And I think he only raised his voice to me twice, due to medication and apologies profusely. My partner had a knack of getting his point across without argument.
However, now, I analyze all of it and question everything and I have reason to, that I won’t share. I want to get back to just remembering us and the way he made me feel and the way we laughed. It wasn’t amazing all the time but he made me incredibly happy.
Nearly everyone who know us said, how cruel, we were such an amazing couple, always laughing and having fun. But now, I can’t remember those times. Hopefully, in time, I will.
I’m sure it will come Ali, the good times will come back to you, they did for me. It’s a new(ish) development that I’ve just noticed today, maybe it’s been the recent period of stability and being able to reflect about things again, but from where I am now. Man this grief thing is a slippery eel, always some question to answer, just when you think you’ve got it pinned down for a moment off it wriggles again.
@Walan my husband and myself argued quite a lot and I was very mean to him at times. We made up very quickly and forgot about why we argue though mainly to do with my son who was a teenager then. My husband always took his side. Used to annoy me. We were looking so forward to the day he moved out so we could be on our own. Sadly never happened as his life has been robbed and our future plans and dreams have gone. Ironically my son is going to move out later this year which will be hard. Could have another 25/30 years on my own. I do tend to think about how mean I was to my husband which are blocking the happy memories that we had. Your right guilt is part of grieving. Take care and big hugs xx
Yes I went through this as well, all I could think about was any argument we’d had, any words dished out in anger, even though they’d long been forgotten & not even thought about but when he died they came to the front of my mind, it caused additional agony but after a while I remembered that we’d always made up & at least we had felt comfortable & secure enough in our relationship to not tread on eggshells around each other.
After reading some grief books it’s quite a normal thing to go through as we look back on our lives together, in hindsight you wish you’d never had angry words but life isn’t perfect but it feels it should have been when you look back but that’s not life, the important thing to remember is that at the end of the day the love was there & you stood by their side loyally when needed throughout your lives together & of course standing with them when we were needed the most at the end.
I was glad when those feelings passed and now I remember the good times & the commitment that we had to each other.
I was so lucky we hardly ever argued. It was usually if he seemed to be treating me like an idiot without a brain even though I knew he didn’t think this way. Never lasted more than an hour. I so miss his presence. Xx
Hi.l know exactely where you are at.it has been eight months for me.since Gary died of Pancreatic Cancer.having been diagnosed only six weeks.We were very much in love.but use to argue a lot which l had an enormous amount of guilt about.so l kept writing it down & now like you those feelings have gone.its been replaced by a peace & acceptance & l have had signs hes still with me in spirit.& l feel blessed l have had him in my life.so sorry for your loss.l just keep it in the moment.sending you love & light
Thanks everyone, as ever it seems as if it happens, it’s normal and as ever that always goes a long way to helping me. It was such an odd feeling at the time, I say odd I really mean terrifying. i thought that I was stuck with the 1% of our relationship that I really didn’t want, I wanted the other 99%, the good stuff, the laughing and talking, the finding our way through life stuff. It’s back now, I’m so grateful. Thinking about it, it may be where some of the anxiety I experience comes from, not wanting to slip back to there, there where it’s all just shit. I will go back to those times, like I did yesterday, but now I’ve got the other times to put on the balance and the gold easily outweighs all the shit.