I’m 36 weeks pregnant and lost my wonderful mum 12th November. I am her only daughter and we was best friends.
She was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer 12 months ago and she fought so hard but it spread to her brain in September. My Mum had other grandchildren from my brothers but this was my first to her. A month before she was diagnosed last year, I miscarried my first baby. We was devastated then my beautiful mum was diagnosed, even worse devastation, 3 weeks later I found out I was pregnant again, to me it was a miracle but sadly I miscarried again in the new year. Again devastation. I can’t breathe without her and I’m so angry that she has gone and never got to meet my little girl. I keep thinking if I didn’t miscarry the other babies she would of at least met one of them. She truly was a remarkable woman and we was so close, the only person I’ve ever truly trusted. I have a lovely dad whom I worry about terribly as he and my mum was married 48yrs. He also has Parkinson’s disease. I have two brothers and one of them completely turned on me when my mum was taken to hospital in September. He said the most awful, hateful things to me and then his wife involved herself too. I just couldn’t believe where it all came from? Things were said that was just awful. They was never there throughout my mums illness and my Dad and I helped her with everything, my other brother buried his head in the sand. I feel he turned on me as I’m a nurse and took on the role of caring for my mum and he couldn’t handle the guilt of not being there for her. We got mum home after 4 weeks of her being in hospital and she rapidly declined, watching her killed me. We had a further 6 weeks with her at home until she passed away. My brother done everything possible to make life difficult for us. He even went on holiday whilst she was dying. I just can’t forgive him. He never even came to the funeral parlour to organise things and wouldn’t come to my mums when we brought her home. He completely ignored me at my mums funeral, as did his wife’s family. Everyone is disgusted in him and I carry so much anger towards them now. I miss my mum terribly and desperately need her as I’m due to be induced in 2 weeks. All I do is cry, I can hardly eat and I won’t go out. I’m so scared I’m harming my little one and feel so guilty on her. Everyone keeps saying my baby will help me through this and my mum will be with us but I just can’t see it. I’m so sorry I have rambled on but no one seems to understand the pain I’m feeling. I’m desperate to have my mum back. I just don’t know what to do? x
I am so sorry to read about the death of your wonderful mum while you are pregnant. The birth of your first child is bound to be a time when you would want her around more than ever.
It sounds as though you were such a supportive daughter and were there for your mum through it all. I am sorry to hear that your brother has said hurtful things to you and not been there for you.
I am glad that you have found this site, and been able to write down how you are feeling - I hope it helps even a tiny bit to be able to get things off your chest. There are lots of supportive people here who know what it is like to experience loss and grief.
For example, here is a recent conversation you may want to join in with, between people who have lost a parent: https://support.sueryder.org/community/coping-death-loved-one/death-parent
A user called Hannah is also facing a big life milestone without her mum, after recently getting engaged: https://support.sueryder.org/community/coping-death-loved-one/hurting-more-ever-lately
Do you have support from your husband/partner/the baby’s father?
I’m so sorry to read you lost your mum and to such a terrible disease…i lost my dad’s other half to breast cancer on christmas day 2014 i looked after her for 6 months and it’s so hard to watch and i lost my dad last year (he was her carer) i’ve also have problems with my brother, he’s never been the way he is acting and i know how the anger is simmering away! It’s eating away at me, how i feel about my brother has changed dramatically over the last while and i just feel betrayed, hurt and angry all the time
I don’t know how it feels to be pregnant when losing someone, i can only go on what my sister said…she was expecting her first when my dad went, she is still devasted that my dad didn’t meet her son and she said the only thing keeping her going was the fact she knew dad was with her…i think it really hurts her and she took a picture of him in with her when she had her emergency c section…i wonder if this might bring you some small comfort like it did her
I feel the same no one in my immediate circle understands and i can’t cope with things anymore…i lost the only person i talked to and i would give anything to have him back, let me know if you want to talk a bit more xx