Hi, my wonderful husband,Mark passed away on 2/11/23 after being diagnosed with cancer.
Marks tumours spread to his brain so laterally he became a bit confused and unsteady when walking. We both decided that a hospice would be the best option for his final weeks.
The day before he passed he fell out of bed. It was a very traumatic situation resulting in him being semi conscious when he was eventually lifted off the floor. He floated in and out and knew that I was there and his family. I stayed by him that night, he was confused and restless, but not in pain. At 5.30am I hugged him and told him it was ok if he needed to go, that I would be fine and he didn’t need to worry, I didn’t want to see him so distressed anymore. His family arrived later that morning, at 9.50am he passed away peacefully with his mum holding his hand and me cuddled in beside him. My questions are ones which no one can answer but which consume me with guilt and sadness. Did he know I didn’t want him to go away from me but to save him from more distress? Did he think I didn’t want/love him because I said he should go if he needed to? Did he know I was with him till the end, holding him like I promised? The pain is immense and the guilt just terrible. Sorry I’m rambling now
Hello, part of grief for most of us is questions that we ask ourselves, what I found helped me was to think of the situation the other way around and what I would say to my husband in answer to these questions if I had gone & he was left behind?
Would he say you telling him he could go was a sign of how much you loved him? Putting him before you as you always had done?
Did he know you were there at the end? he may have not known but he knew you were there ever time he needed you throughout his illness, he could ask for no more then that.
Grief is hard enough without these additional aspects coming into it, apparently it’s all to do with our brains trying to process what’s happened.
Thankyou. What you suggest makes sense, I hadn’t thought to look at it differently being so focused on how guilty I feel.
The brain is indeed a very strange thing. I just wish I understood better instead of being so hurt and sad
@Haggis - I am so sorry you and your beloved have been parted in this way - it is so, so hard. I know what you mean about questions and guilt about last moments, last words, last touches. I reckon your husband was aware of being surrounded by love, relaxed and ready to go.
The process of dying is explained very well by Kathryn Mannix in this talk: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v9f6twy70iM. This might help you understand what happened.
I sat with Tom in the hospice for 12 days, and was very lucky to be with him when he died. I was talking to him, holding his hand, telling him he was loved so very, very much.
How you feel is normal, natural, all part of the process of loss and the slow process of coming to terms with the enormity of it. You were there at the end, you were cuddling him as he left us and your love will endure for all time. Hold tight, my friend, keep posting x
@Haggis
What if’s, guilt are all part of grieving. We go over and over everything, it’s our brain trying to process and gain some control over what we had no control over.
The most selfless act of love is telling our loved one, it’s ok to let go because we want peace for them and an end to their suffering. You were there until the end holding him and being there. That love would have filled the room and the very air he breathed until his last. Of course he knew you loved him, you spent your life doing that so why would anything change. My belief is they hang on until they choose to go and you saying it was ok must have been an enormous comfort. The hearing is the last thing to go so be kind at peace with yourself that you did all you possibly could do. The rest was out of your hands
Lyn x