Reaching out

I’m just reaching out to hear from anyone feeling as I am now. I’m alone and not seeing anyone until tomorrow afternoon.I feel exhausted with no motivation to do anything. House is a tip. Desperately missing my partner who died just over 9 weeks ago and everything is an effort. I feel quite ill with grief and very very lonely.

Hi Topsy I’m sorry you feel so lonely. Loneliness is just such an awful way to feel. I too lost my husband 6 weeks ago so I understand completely your pain. I’m at home today too after returning from a night shift at my work. I hate returning in the morning to an empty house without anyone to ask me how my shift was etc etc etc. although that said, I miss my husband desperately regardless of where I am or what I’m doing. I saw a telephone number another member shared on a thread earlier today. It was for people to call 24/7 and whenever they felt the need to chat to others who are in a similar situation. Maybe that could help you during your loneliest times. I wish I could help you Topsy, I really do and I’m sure my words can’t help you at all. It’s the quietness for me and the constant feeling of emptiness that I’ve felt since my husband died. We all feel the same I think reading the comments of others. It’s a very, very difficult journey we are one and unbearable much of the time isn’t it. Sometimes I like company but mostly I don’t want it. I seem to prefer to be alone more these days. I think going back to work has given me the balance as well as all the mixing with others that I need. And to be honest I don’t mind the horrible weather for now, it matches my mood. I struggled more with the good weather a week or two ago.

I’m thinking of you Topsy and sending you love. At least we’re not alone with our grief. Everyone on this forum suffers it all day every day. That in itself is so very sad.

Try to be strong Topsy and maybe try calling the number I mentioned that I saw. I’m sorry I can’t remember which area it was that I saw it, but, it was earlier today xx

Hello Topsy.
I’m laid on my bed in my single room in a hotel in Windermere. I spoke to a waitress this morning, briefly, and then walked from Ambleside to Rydal Hall for coffee and cake, which involved speaking to the person behind the counter. I was going to walk, or should that be wade, to Grasmere but decided that I would wimp out and return to Ambleside. In one of the shops I spoke to a knowledgeable shop assistant about walking poles, which was quite meaningful but I’d had no intention to buy one. He was bored, I was lonely.
After returning to Windermere I decided to return to the hotel and read.
At 7.00 I will go down to dinner, with my book, and sit alone before I return to my room.
You’re probably wondering why I’m telling you all that, and so am I.
This is my sixth short break away since my wife died in August 2018. I think I thought that if I pushed myself hard I could have some sort of different life, while taking my grief and loneliness with me. It’s worked up to a point, but this time I feel to be just goi g through the motions due to the extreme weather.
I think grief is very tiring and I assumed it would become less so. I haven’t really noticed it yet. Maybe it’s partly due to an ongoing ageing process.
My house is a tip but I don’t let it worry me. If I think about it too much I would feel guilty and embarrassed
I could cry all day if I let myself. All I have to do is look on my big bag of sad thoughts and it’s guaranteed. I’m trying to fill another bag of thoughts and memories so that I can choose to smile a little, if I can remember how.
I’m a great believer in having a strategy and I’ve tried to do that and to push myself on. To be honest the thought of not doing that scares me.
Hopefully reading all that has taken up a bit of time and maybe given you food for thought.

The forum was Silverline. I think Esther Rantzen had a lot to do with setting it up.

Hello cw13.

Thank you for your kind and very thoughtful reply. I will look for that number you mentioned.

I’m sitting in my car now on a road near my house. Just had to get out.
How sad is that? I know exactly what you mean about the weather. I really struggle too when the weather is nice. Where I am now the sun is starting to come out and it is mild although windy. I too miss my partner desperately no matter where I am. There is no escape from these feelings and I have a horrible feeling it’s going to get worse. The quietness is everywhere. When I think how I took everything for granted it makes me want to cry.

I have a job which is on hold at the moment. It has a zero hour contract so there is no pressure from my employer to get back. It is a lonely job as it is lone working out in the community in areas which would be depressing so that’s not the answer. I am going to have to rebuild my life from scratch and it is so daunting.

Everyone who posts on this site is going through pain and heartache and all we can do is try and help each other.

Thank you again for taking the trouble to reply. Xx

Hello YorkshiReLad

Thank you for reply which I really enjoyed reading. I must say I very much admire you for being able to have a break away on your own. I couldn’t do it at least not for a good while. No way. I also smiled at your description of what you have done today. I love your sense of humour which is coming through when you write. I too have a sense of humour but god knows where it is at the minute! You come across as a strong resilient person while coping with your heartache.

I hope you enjoy your dinner this evening and meet someone who likes to have a chat.

The mild nice weather I mentioned in my post to cw13 is now changing to thick clouds and rain much resembling the weather you seem to be having. In fact the rain is hammering on the car roof! Oh there is blue sky in the distance. It’s definitely one of those days.

Take care xx

I think I’m grateful to my wife for pushing me to develop my interests and giving me the space to spend time on my own over the years. It was probably self interest on her part as I retired at 52, and she made it clear I wasn’t going to be disrupting her life. I doubt she had it in mind as to how beneficial all that would become.
It’s a strange thing is the idea of a break away and yet I could make a very good case for it. I probably had decent mental strength and resilience but they have to be worked at, tested and grown. I literally threw myself into the deep end without thinking it through and paid for everything in advance on an impulse. I remember thinking that grief and loneliness were very transportable, that they would accompany me whether I agreed or not. Every bit of self doubt I had I put it under scrutiny to see if I could change it. I can’t be sure but I thought that the longer I avoided something the harder it would become.
I had one great advantage… Gender. I firmly believe it is less difficult for a man to travel alone. A lot of my best advice came from my eldest daughter who travels alone frequently in her line of work, abroad and at home.
I think I have an odd sense of humour in some ways but I put that down to an acquired way of thinking.

Good morning YorkshiReLad.

How did your evening go last night? I hope you met nice people in the hotel you could chat to which meant you didn’t have to rely on your book.

You are right about gender. It is easier I think if you are male. It shouldn’t be but it is. Couples seem to be everywhere and when I was part of one I didn’t really notice but I do now. Having said that whilst my partner and I were on holiday last year he sprained his foot and stayed in the hotel one afternoon as walking was painful. He insisted I went out on my own for a walk and coffee. I agreed. The coffee place was full of couples and I just couldn’t go in and sit down. That was when I still had him. Now of course that has become a very sad memory. How I wish I had stayed with him.

Years ago I went on two coach holidays on my own around Europe as they didn’t appeal to my partner. There is some security in that as you are with the same people and can sit with them for meals. I couldn’t contemplate anything like that now. I feel I never will.

Loneliness is transportable and certain activities make it more acute. I have to avoid certain places at the moment which I know shrinks my world but the pain is bad enough as it is. I hope you have better weather today and enjoy your break as much as you as can. X

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