We are all here for the same reason.
My lovely husband died on the 20th June 2020 after being diagnosed with cancer and formally told he had a few months left on the 7th of May. I am devastated and I too feel alone and I cannot seem to face life without him by my side. I talk out loud as though he were still here, but he isn’t and it just makes me feel even more sad. My heart feels as though it has broken. Our son and daughter keep in touch and we meet up but it only takes the pain away for a short time. Why am I here without him?
We are all here for the same reason.
Hi Robette, it’s so sad that you find yourself on this site following the death of your lovely husband only very recently. You have joined an ever growing group of us who have been left bereft by the death of our soulmate.
Overwhelming grief disconnects us from mainstream society, longer for some than others, and leads to a frightening level of isolation. When you say you talk out loud to your husband, all of us on this forum will see it as normal rather than a sign of madness. I think it’s why I prefer to be alone so that I can talk to my husband as and when I choose. It’s my way of trying to make sense of the chaos I now inhabit,
To the outside world words like heartbroken and devastated are just words - to all of us here we know exactly what they represent. As does your question why are you still here without him. Even my kindest friends cannot cope with the concept of hopelessness that accompanies grief and just want to know ’ I am getting there’. For my part I cannot cope with their optimism and lack of experience in trying to face life alone without the one person I loved and needed more than any other.
You will find empathy and real understanding here and hopefully a way to get through this nightmare. All grief is unique but sharing fears and reactions common to us all is, I believe, a huge factor in surviving this loneliest of experiences. It’s eight months since my husband of 35 years died suddenly. For you it’s only five weeks since your world was shattered.
Hopefully this site will give you the support you need to find a way forward. Intense grief is like being stranded in an alien landscape without a map or a satnav - totally disorientating and seemingly no way back. Realising others have felt the same but do survive is the first step and a lifeline. I hope you will find comfort from joining in the exchange of feelings and coping strategies. Take care.
Just reading your words and crying again. I also feel so selfish. I am not the only grieving family member, our children also miss their father, and there are so many others who have lost loved ones, even their children. Sometimes I cannot breathe for sadness and I am beginning to want to be alone, with my memories and my tears, but most of all the one thing I really want is the one thing I know I cannot have.
You are not selfish Robette, you are grieving for your husband and your children are grieving for their father. Your grief and their grief is as profound but different. My two sons are 28 and 30 and had a wonderful relationship with their dad. It was a mutual relationship of total love, support and respect. My younger son was out with my husband when he died and understandably is traumatized by what he saw. My elder son is going ahead with a very small wedding in two weeks time. Both are distraught that my husband is not with us but somehow between us we are holding together. I have to make an effort for them and vice versa. My husband loved life and both sons see it as his abiding legacy to continue all he did for them.
I am inspired by their resolution to carry on. It doesn’t mean that at some point each day I don’t despair because I do. I had only ever envisaged a future with my husband. Like you there are times I struggle to breathe when I am overwhelmed by panic. Being able to say that on this forum rather than to my sons is my outlet. By acknowledging your own grief it will help you to understand and support your children. none of us ever imagined being in this position but talking with others who know rather than have to imagine the pain of loss is a first step.xx
Hi. Robette. What Jobar has said sums it all up, and it’s exactly what I would have said. There is not much I can add to it.
It’s far too soon to look ahead and taking it all day by day is best at the moment. Bless you and all our prayers are with you. John.
Thank you Jobar and Jonathan 123 for your most welcome replies. I have sat down with a cup of tea and a bite to eat and calmed down. It is so comforting to know that there are people here who understand what I mean. I don’t think people who have not been in the same situation as we, fully appreciate that we are not able to “be more like our old selves” in a matter of weeks, months or maybe even years. Thank you for making contact with me and taking time to reach out. It has meant so much, I cannot say just how much. xxx
Dear Robette, that is the advantage of this forum. There are many others all grieving like us who will reach out when you are at your lowest ebb. We are all different but united in the experience of being broken hearted and needing to express ourselves to those who understand. I have said it before here that none of us has all the answers all the time but together between us we offer a support network. Grief doesn’t obey normal rules of engagement and sometimes being able to unload spontaneously enables us to get through what we never thought we would. Like you sitting down with your cup of tea and allowing the turmoil in your head to settle. We’ve all been there. Xx
Lot of comfort in these posts - I too prefer to be on my own. I can’t tell people how I feel as to be honest, I think I’m still numb - it’s nearly 7 weeks since she passed. On my own I can talk to her, cry, feel down, fed-up, lethargic and lots of other “negative” things, I don’t feel obliged to say “not too bad today” blah, blah. I know friends mean well, and don’t know what to say, but sometimes it’s best to say nothing. What is true is that that person who’s gone was the one person in our lives that we couldbe with doing nothing. Everyone else you’re with is for a reason.
How true your words are
Hello Robette, I haven’t much to add because it’s already been said by those who have posted. I read a lot of the posts, especially in Losing a Partner, and I find it helps my understanding of the pain and emotions which I am going through.
My wife and I were also teenagers when we met. She was 16 and I was 17. They said it wouldn’t last but we were never parted in 59 years (married 56). I am now on my own in the home we loved. Our only son lives in Wales and I’m in Scotland.
I understand what Dave means about preferring to be on your own so that you can express emotions with abandon. I don’t know if it helps but it’s definitely necessary.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your lovely husband and I hope you find some small comfort from visiting this site. It does help to express your feelings and those on this site really know how you feel without question.
It’s going to be an uphill struggle so please take care. xx
AL2020 I am trying to take life one day at a time. My hubby David always said that we had to make plans because if we didn’t we would end up sitting in the house doing nothing, which is exactly what I am doing now as I cannot face making plans without him by my side. Maybe in time I will be able to do this and not feel so alone. Who knows. The site is already beginning to feel like a lifeline for me.
It’s just 12 weeks since I suddenly lost my wife and the pain is still very raw, in fact it’s worse now than at the beginning. It’s only 5 weeks since you lost the love of your life and you can only move on one hour/day at a time. Thinking of the future is pointless at this time and I’m quite sure David would not expect you to be making plans right now. If sitting in the house is all you can do, then do it. Grief makes it’s own path and you haven’t much choice, especially in the early days.
Since I’m still in the early days I can’t tell you when or if the fog will lift.
I do know that the loneliness is excruciating.
Hugs and best wishes to you. AL x
Hi Robette and welcome to this wonderful site which has helped me more than anything or anyone else. I am further down the path than you are and I don’t know how I got here because I felt my life was over when I lost my Ron to Pancreatic cancer. The early days did not even seem real. I can’t even remember a lot of them. Everything is mixed up with the emotion and devastation of trying to understand what happened. Triggers are the worst such as birthdays, anniversaries, and worst of all Christmas. Some triggers just happen for no reason and without warning. But we fight on and we cope without realising it. I am at the acceptance stage now where the raw pain has worn off and my head has settled a bit from the reality of it all and I do feel I can move forward little. I had to take each day as it came and face each hurdle but my love is there every minute of every day. It had just been compartmatised so that I can deal with other things. It will be the same for you and it is hard… so very hard. I send you my deepest feelings in your loss.
Thank you AL2020 and Angiejo1. Lots of comfort and understanding here. I feel as though I am with friends.
Hi Robette, I am so sorry you lost your lovely husband it is the worst thing that will ever happen to you. It is very early days for you, I am 8 months down the line but I want you to know that you will in time be able to go out and do things again. It is very daunting without our husbands but if we don’t push ourselves it is going to be a very lonely life. I am lucky enough to have family and friends who include and involve me in things and I have decided not to refuse any invitations that come my way. I have also made fabulous, supportive friends on here and we are planning on meeting up next year. Focusing on the future and giving yourself a goal is a necessity because without that we would never leave the house again x
Hi Robette. It is very early days for me too. I lost my wonderful husband on the 17th June after he was in an induced coma for 12 days. Everybody on here feels your pain. At first I couldn’t be on my own and was scared of closing my eyes because all I could see was my husband’s face when he had a cardiac arrest. I am getting used to my own company but my friends have been invaluable. We have been out for walks,girls nights in and even went out for lunch a couple of weeks ago. The pain is unbearable at times but I know my Frankie would not want me to lose my sparkle. Please look after yourself. Everyone on here knows, what you are going through💙
Is what I feel when I lost my partner but now I have to be strong because my kid and isn’t fair for her lost both parents