Reality is so hard...

My soul mate and husband died (can’t believe I can use that word) 15 months ago. It was so sudden that I still had questions about the events of that day. I made a freedom of information request from the ambulance service. I was provided with the 999 call recording and a detailed document showing the details of their response. I was overwhelmed by the resuscitation attempts of staff in the place where he collapsed and so grateful he was not alone when it happened. It was a cardiac arrest and he had stopped breathing within a few minutes of collapsing.
It was traumatic hearing the call but at the same time brought answers to my questions about the timeline.
I was catapulted back to that day and thought I was falling back into that black hole again. My counsellor said that it was the mixture of emotions of not actually wanting to finally believe the reality that he has gone but also wanting know exactly how and when it happened. Grief is a rollercoaster as everyone on here will have discovered. That was 4 weeks ago and I feel I am stable again. My darling man did not suffer and I am so thankful for that. He did not know that he was going to leave me…he would have been so distressed had he realised that.
I will love and miss my wonderful husband forever. I only wish we had so much longer together.
I am so sorry for the loss of your loved ones x


My husband Alan died in September 2021. He died at our place of work after playing football. He was given CPR by the football players followed by resuscitation attempts by paramedics. My lovely husband died too soon but it helps me to think he didn’t know anything about it and had no drawn out suffering. He would have hated that.


Hello Laneyb
I’m so sorry for your loss
Thank you for your brave post ,My husband also died last year from a sudden cardiac arrest and I have been to nervous to seek detailed information on the attempts to save his life by the kind staff and paramedics for fear too much knowledge would be unbearable .(I often feel worried about the timeline )
I wish I could have been with my wonderful husband when he passed away but sometimes think the trauma would be forever in my mind , at other times what I conjure up in my mind maybe just as awful .
To know he would have been unconscious very quickly give me some comfort
Thank you xx

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Laneyb & HB12

I am so sorry for the loss of your husbands.
I lost my darling wife 8 weeks ago from a sudden cardiac arrest. She worked as a nurse and was at the hospital at the time. So she was in the right place when it happened but they could not save her. I am devestated. I wish l could have been with her at the time. She died too soon she was only 64 and looking forward to retirement.
I will always love her and miss her so much. I look forward to the day l am with her again.
Take care all xx


I’m so sorry for the loss of your lovely wife .
Thank you for sharing that even though she was a medic, within a hospital environment, she sadly was still not able to be saved .
My husband also died far to young , he was 53 and we had so many plans & wonderful times ahead of us .
It’s heartbreaking how sudden life changes and how do we find a way forward when our whole world has been devastated .

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I’m sorry for your loss of your husband , it must be so difficult and traumatic , having to return to your place of work .My heart goes out to you .

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I haven’t been back to my place of work since it happened. My family were totally opposed to me going back as it would be a constant reminder. I’d worked there for 26 years. Now I’m in the position, at age 61, of job hunting again. Hoping to find something soon x

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Hi HB12
I am so very sorry that you have lost your beloved husband. I can fully understand your fear about asking questions about the timeline. I had some details about how and when my lovely Neil collapsed but there was a gap that I could not fill and I just needed to know that everything that could have been done to save him was done. I was so relieved that he was not alone. Neil and I only had three and a half years together and were married for just over a year. He was my saviour in so many ways and I couldn’t not have lived knowing he had suffered at the end.
I wish you peace and closure however you decide to get through this most traumatic time.
Keep talking x

Hi Trev58
I am so very sorry for the loss of your beloved wife. It is the hardest thing any of us will go through and such a sudden loss is so hard to believe and understand. I hope you too get some comfort knowing that your wife did not suffer and that she was in a familiar place when it happened. My husband was also at work going about his busy day. He was seen clutching his chest and within one minute had collapsed and stopped breathing. Even writing it down does not make reality easier but hearing the 999 call was as close as I could get to him in his final moments.
Sending peace. Keep talking

Hi Laneyb
I have lost both parents and grand parents in the past but nothing prepares you for the loss of your soulmate. It is the hardest and most soul destroying thing anyone can go through. The grief and loneliness is unbearable. I still can’t believe she is gone. If they were ill maybe your can somehow prepare yourself for the inevitable but when they are not and they pass away suddenly it is the shock that really affects you.
I have spoken to her work colleagues about what exactly happened when she arrived at work and know they did everything in their powers to save her but it does not make matters any easier.
My wife passed away 8 weeks ago today l still cannot get my head around why it happened, how l have got here and why when l devote all my life and love to someone it is always cruely taken away from me. People have told me l am one of the most caring loving, gentle and compassionate person they have known. If this is so why do l always draw the short straw in life.
Take care x


Hi Trev58
I am lucky to still have my parents and siblings and I constantly prayed that Covid would not take any of them but I cannot imagine feeling the pain I felt losing my beloved husband although it will obviously still be heartbreaking.
You are still very much in the early days of grief and I cannot tell you how and when it will get easier to get through each day but it does. I actually can’t believe I can look back and say that but please just take each day as it comes, cry as much as you need to, talk and accept the support from family and friends and stay on this site. I just came on now and again and don’t post much but I always feel less alone.
Life is not fair and it feels like it is out to get us when we lose our precious soulmate but I decided I need to carry on to keep my wonderful Neil’s memory alive.
Take care x

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I can relate to all of your post my experience was very similar in many ways but like you I find comfort my husband had no idea he was going to die and he didn’t suffer - his heart stopped and he died - ok one minute and gone the next - it takes some getting used to being without him and I don’t think I will -but I know I have no option but to try for the sake of my children, grandchildren and my dog who all miss him and grieve with me. Keep going everyone on here understands. X

Hi I lost my husband February 2021 he was my Best friend and my soulmate so I feel the same way as you lonely heartbroken and feel like there is a massive part of my heart missing my life will never be the same

I have been unwell today and it made me feel scared and vulnerable and so alone. My husband always took care of me if I was poorly, and I feel so very sad that he’s not here. I know this sounds selfish, but it’s been a horrible week and it will be his birthday soon. All I seem to have seen and heard lately are just reminders of my loss - couples planning holidays, having celebration meals out and generally enjoying themselves. Good Luck to them - enjoy life while you can but people can be so thoughtless sometimes.
Sorry I am just having a bad day .

Hi Anne c I too have been ill and felt really miserable - it was our 52nd wedding anniversary yesterday and no cards or flowers - that part didn’t matter only the fact that it will never be the same again - my husband would have looked after me too and made sure I had plenty of rest and care - I should be going to a friends funeral today but I can’t face it - I should be getting a grip but it’s not happening- hope you are all coping better than I am x

I’m sorry to hear that you are both unwell it is horrible not having out husbands beside us to be cuddled and give us hugs when we need them and chat to us it’s all so empty in our home now
You would think our friends would be there to help us through especially on special days it is so hard
It’s a miserable rainy day if he was here we would enjoy a cosy day in now have to do every thing alone just awful
Hope you both feel better today and managed to have some sleep well you will not feel ok will you sending hugs take care xxx

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Getting ill is the thing I dread with no one to look after me like my wife would have done. She was a nurse. My son or step daughter would probably pop in to see me In the evenings after work but would not be able to look after me. So l will just have to fend for myself. I have no other family close by.
The house is so empty.
I lost my mum 3 years ago today aged 81 and my wife suddenly 10 weeks ago just before Xmas aged 64.
What I find hard and time consuming is now having to do everything around the house myself (cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing, shopping etc as well as gardening and DIY) whilst still working full time. The household chores my wife and l shared leaving me the gardening and DIY.
I also do not sleep well 4 or 5 hours a night at most.
Sorry to ramble on. Take care all virtual hug. X

I always kept the inside of the house tidy and did all the usual inside jobs and my husband kept the outside sorted. We have a large house and a ten acre field (almost 3 acres down to gardens) So i have to employ a gardener to do all his jobs - it’s expensive and he doesn’t do as good a job - but what else can I do - my children don’t want me to sell the family home so at 73 i have to organise it all - it’s not easy and I miss my husband of 51 years but I don’t want to let him down - life for me has never been so tough because I had got used to being looked after - but we have to soldier on and don’t aim for happiness just contentment would do me - if it helps you to chat please keep posting we are all in the same boat -xTrev

I have a number of outside jobs to do which l will do when the weather warms up a bit. I like the DIY jobs but l absolutely hate gardening.
One of my worst nightmares has occurred. I have contracted Covid and l have been trying to look after myself whilst feeling absolutely lousy. It has been difficult to just get out of bed let alone having to make food, get drinks, feed the cat and let her out etc. These little things my darling wife would have for me as l would have done for her. Life is so difficult on your own when you have previously been part of a couple.
Life at the moment just plods along with no future to look forward to. No holidays, days out, weekends away together to plan. I don’t socialise with others very easily so doing holidays etc. on my own are out.
Take care x

Hi Trev

Hope you feel better soon. I developed severe eye problems in 2012 (thyroid related) and my husband was my rock. I had several years of treatment including radiotherapy and numerous surgeries. My husband was very fit and active, played football,walked miles everyday and died of a sudden heart attack whilst playing his beloved football. This seems so unfair. I always used to do the house, ironing and weeded the garden, Alan ‘liked’ loading the dishwasher, cleaning the job, sorting out the washing and mowing the lawn - it was a partnership. I know exactly what you mean when you say how difficult it is to have to do these things when they’re down to you. I’m a social person on a one to one or a few people basis. Our daughter is getting married in May - it’s going to be a difficult day in lots of ways.