My sister died suddenly in March. We didnt know it was coming. Monday just past (26th June) was her birthday.
Im really close to my brother in law. Im now 40 and ive known him since i was 12. He really essentially just is another brother. So i went to stay with him for the weekend to go to the cemetery etc.
It was really hard. I feel like hes coping well whereas i know im totally not. He spends most of his evenings with friends, or his family. Hes doing lots of diy, and just seems like hes coping well. Im almost a bit annoyed by it. I dont want to think of him being upset and not coping but im starting to feel like he doesnt care at all. Which i know is not true but not logical when i feel like this.
Im a teacher and, after pushing myself to get through our school show last week, i couldnt push myself any further. Occupational health recommended i be signed off, my gp agreed. So i was signed off for the last two weeks of our term. The last day of term here is 7th July.
So now, for the first time since she died, i have space and time.
My head doesnt like it.
After she died i spent my easter holidays helping my brother in law then went straight back into school, straight into kids exams then school show. For the last 6 weeks ive been teaching long days 6 days a week. Ive had no time.
Now i have nothing but time and i feel like im feeling worse. I just have no motivation, and im on the verge of crying pretty much all the time.
Dear vivmt, my husband died suddenly this February and I also find it hard to find any motivation or energy to do anything. You kept yourself busy for a long time but now the reality set in and you had a breakdown because you did not allow yourself to grieve. Your brother-in-law keeps busy maybe he does not want to allow himself to grieve or he does not want to see the reality that his wife is not coming back. Maybe he just does not want that anyone sees him crying or grieving. Every person goes and handles this terrible situation differently and we only see what people want us to see. Maybe your GP can refer you to a local bereavement group or counseling? Sending you lots of love and hugs.
I have a counsellor for other things but she can only see me once a month. I was referred to the listening service at my gp, which isnt counselling but just someone to listen to me, theres a 20 week wait. I cant do bereavement counselling with anyone else because noone will do it before 6 months after the death.
I never understand why we only get proper counseling after a six months wait. Grief and despair start immediately after our loved ones die and not after six months. I always find this forum very helpful. It is good to know that we are not alone in our pain.
Hello vivmt-So sorry for your loss. I also lost my beloved sister and although I am farther along in this heartbreaking journey, I can attest that for me life has never been the same. I tend to immerse myself in work as a way of running from the grief. Like you I also find having too much time causes me to relive the horror. think too much, lack motivation, and break down in tears. Your BIL may also be trying to stay active and be around people for the same reason. Grief is lonely and frightening and leaves us lost and vulnerable. As Annaessex said, everyone grieves differently, and does what they need to do get through this terrible situation. My sister’s life long best friend was in the hospital room with us when my Sister died, however I never saw her shed a tear. Yet I have no doubt she is in as much pain as I am, because they were like sisters. She just copes in her own way. In addition many men are not as demonstrative in their grief responses. I relate to how alone you must be feeling, because losing a sibling is to lose a part of one’s self, our past and future that we will never get back. Nevertheless this forum has been a place to vent, share and unload anything you may be feeling. We are here for you and hope you will continue to post. Take care. Another Sad Sister
