Hi everyone, it’s nearly 3 weeks since I lost my partner and I am struggling with random people on social media some who knew him years ago and some only online sharing photos and stories about him as if they lived a life with him. I have chosen not to engage in such a thing as I don’t feel the need to. But why do these people, most didn’t know the struggle of the last year or that he even had cancer and all of a sudden they were his best friend and are heartbroken. Am I being petty or do other feel a tinge of anger and annoyance at these things to? We spent hours on end speaking of our childhoods, past relationships, fears and dreams and everything else in between. Yet I feel somehow all these people try and take away the special relationship we had for 4 years. The only ones who I feel close to and enjoy hearing stories from are his parents and close work colleagues x
Yes I had this, but did they visit him in hospital on his many visits. Did they come & see him at home? No
Did they come to the funeral? Did they eat & drink at the wake? Did they spend hours on social media saying old stories, posting old pictures? Saying how much they’ll miss him & how heartbroken they are? Yes
They then all disappeared again…
Hi @Flower_garden I am glad it isn’t just me. I just feel angry at it all x
Hi @Nori I am so sorry you have had to do that at a time when you need support the most. Lee very much felt the same and arranged to have a direct cremation leaving me instructions of who would be there for the celebration of his life only his parents, our girls and a couple of friends and then a works night out to be had with them taking me along. He told those that meant anything to him and he never advertised his cancer journey or asked for pity yet all these people pop out of the woodwork! Here if you need to talk I’m also just 40 x
@Nori our girls are 16 & 14 such a difficult age x how have they taken the news so far and if you don’t mind me asking where are you on the treatment journey? X
@Nori I am so sorry to hear this, similar to my partner it was discovered he had a spinal compression and then 3 vertebrae fractures from tumours on the base of is spine he’s been walking around with it for months in pain but waiting for the 3 monthly check up scan after the initial 2 ops, radio and chemo. He was waiting to start an immunotherapy trial which we had all our hopes on after finishing 10 days of radio on the spine which was agony. Unfortunately he never got to start the trial as the cancer in his lungs progressed so quickly in a 2 week space. It’s the most evil disease and seeing the ones we love in pain and not being mobile is heartbreaking. Sending so much love and kindness your way x
@Nori So sorry that you and your husband find yourself in this situation, it really is such a terrible place to end up. My wife passed away last November from lung cancer which had spread to her liver, kidneys, spine and eventually brain. As with your husband she wanted to be at home as long as possible, to see the end out there if she could. We thought that it would be gradual and we could adapt as things deteriorated but the end came so rapidly and with such force that I wasn’t really prepared for it.
Over the course of 3 days my wife went from being fully mobile and aware to first becoming confused, then as the days moved on becoming irrational and unaware of her surroundings and actions. As it was the weekend there was very little in the way of assistance, doctors and nurses did attend eventually but it took hours to arrange and was late at night after exhausting days of attending to the rapidly changing mental and physical conditions that my wife was experiencing. On both occasions the health professionals advised against moving her to hospital, again as it was the weekend. As the weekend wore on she reached the point where she really didn’t know where she was and repeatedly undressed, confused chairs for the toilet and at one point tried to leave the house. It became increasingly difficult to hold her attention long enough for her to focus and take her oral pain relief, both pill and liquid, I couldn’t arrange for a morphine pump as it was the weekend. On the Sunday night I was forced to call an ambulance as I knew that without proper pain management she would soon be in agony. We ended up in the local A&E where she was attended to quickly and moved onto a ward. Once she was as settled as could be expected I was asked to leave as Covid restrictions were still in place. I came home and tried to arrange a hospice place through her Mcmillan nurse for her to move to but she passed away the next morning. All of the medical team that had been involved in her treatment were stunned by the sudden decline.
I hesitated to relate this story but I do it in the hope that it may assist you in some of the decisions you and your husband may have to make and how you will prepare to carry them out. Please understand that things may not progress in the way I have described, but I do wish I’d been more prepared for what turned out to be a worst case scenario.
Sorry for the loss of your partner.
Are they friends of yours? If not block or mute them until you feel
more able to see what has been written/posted. They think they are doing something nice for you. NO it can be very upsetting , and you dont have to see them. Alternatively you could put a post up asking his friends to please not post any pics etc as it upsets you at the present . Or keep ignoring them they will stop soon. Their memories are possibly not yours and are irrelevant just now. Take care x
Thank you, I have calmed down a bit now. Think everyday a new emotion surfaces x
Glad you feeling better about it today and you are right every day brings a new emotion ,its like being on a roller-coaster. At present i have more highs than lows but it is coming up to Christmas and the dreaded 1st anniversary. The emotions will prob reverse. My brother put something up in our family group page and i couldnt look at it , i asked him to take it down it upset me, he did and apologised never thought it would as it was a happy memory pic. Now he cant find it and iwant it lol. Take care of yourself and use the support system you have ,you will need it for a while . My best advice is keep as busy as you need to. Xx
Thank you @Lass today wasn’t a good day, I dropped my daughter to school and went back to bed at least the pain stops for a while when I manage to sleep 
I knew it would hurt, I knew my life would forever be changed but I just feel so lost without Lee by my side. I can only hope in time I learn to smile at what we shared and laugh at the memories x
So sorry for your loss, totally inadequate but I really do mean it. My daughter passed away in August from cancer, we were only told in June. She was 43, married with two children, 14 and 16.
So many offers of help and support, well I could count on one hand how many of them have followed up on this. On Facebook numerous heart emoji’s and stories of how they are suffering without her.
We all felt so frustrated and dare I say jealous of how people wanted to appear as if they knew her better than someone else. Where are they all now?
I could do with that coffee and a chat.
Sorry to sound bitter but I miss her so much
Hi @Minilady everyone promises to be there and one by one they get back their lives yet ours will forever be changed how are your grandchildren doing? Have you sort comfort in those? My girls are what keep me getting up each day but it’s so hard and some days I just want to stay in bed and not face anyone x so sorry for your loss, losing my partner hurts so much but the pain you must feel being your child I can not imagine and I say that to Lee’s parents it’s not the natural order of how things should be x
Our lives have definitely changed forever, already feel a totally different person. The sadness and loneliness is totally consuming and we miss her so much but we have to keep going. My grandchildren definitely keep me going and my son in law has been brilliant. So many more people out there struggling. I really hope you and your family get some support. Sending you hugs x