02:39am and the tears have come in floods. I don’t expect any replies, it’s just my way of letting it out. I’d give anything to have Dad back. Life really isn’t life anymore, I hate how the world’s carrying on. The life has been sucked right out of me and I feel trapped and consumed. Dad had so much more to live for. My heart is truly truly broken 
I love you Dad xxx
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@steffi88am21, middle of the nights are the worse times, crying out to the world and no one is listening, sending you a big hug 
and love 
Debbie X X
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Dear Steffi88am21
I’m so sorry you are having such a bad time. Losing your Dad is life changing isn’t it? Nothing will be the same again and this is why I wanted to reply to you, to reassure you that although we are strangers to you there are people here who do care and want to help.
As a Sue Ryder volunteer I welcome you to this forum where you can share your deepest feelings and get the back up and kindness you need. Don’t hesitate to contact our counselling service if you feel it could help. There are other organisations like the Samaritans too if you want to chat. 116 123 night or day.
Keep in touch,
affectionately, Miche24
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I’ve been joined for a while now, since last year and I’ve done a few posts. It’s just hit me like a sledgehammer again. That’s how it’s going to be from now on, I know that and I can’t change that. I think as it’s getting closer to a year I’m just finding it more difficult. Thanks @Debbie57 and @Miche24 x
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Hi @steffi88am21, it’s been just over a year for me and I thought I doing okay, but since the first anniversary I feel I’m back to where I was last year.
So I understand what you mean. It’s been a rollercoaster of emotions one minute up, the next crying uncontrollabley.
You are coming up to the first anniversary you probably remembering this time last year, and reliving the last weeks your dad was still here and what you were doing.
I was talking to a friend the other day whose mum had died just before my husband. We both agreed the second year seems more difficult because you of have lost that this time last year we were. I wonder if we reach a point where your subconscious knows this is it, this real this is my life from now on without them and what ever I do nothing is going to change that.
There is no easy answer, this is what grief does to us. Just be kind to yourself and take one day at a time.
I think of this site as my extended family, my security blanket. It’s what families do we look out for each other.
I hope the demons stay away tonight and you can get a better night’s sleep. Sending love and hugs🤗
Debbie X
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Hey @steffi88am21 do sad and sorry to hear of your loss. I’m really missing my Mam tonight. I didn’t live local so bank holidays like this were always the opportunity to visit or have a long Skype conversation.
We cannot change how we feel. We cannot stop missing our loved ones. It’s a tough path to walk, but as long as our loved ones are in our hearts then we are never really walking it alone.
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Sending a big hug
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Hi there all of what is said rings true. I am new to grief but this year we lost my mother in law suddenly from covid. Six weeks later we lost my dad very suddenly without warning. Is it usual to have memory problems? How do my husband and I communicate when we are both in deep pain? For the first time in our marriage we are so entrenched in grief we are not capable of making time for each other. A distance has emerged. Any advice would be appreciated.
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Hi Anne, I’m sorry that you have lost both your dad and mother in law so close together, it must be hard for both of you.
Looking back to last year in the early months after my husband died, I certainly had brain fog and still do. I find it difficult to recall how I was in those first weeks, just remember feeling empty, as if all my life was sucked out me, felt if I was on the outside looking in and just did everything on autopilot.
I don’t know what to say on how you are both coping, but I would say just hug each other, cry together and tell each other how much you love each other, and how losing a parent has devastated you both.
How I wished I could have told my husband more just how much I love him and how special he is to me.
Be kind to each other
Debbie X
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@Debbie57 sorry for the late reply, it’s just been a difficult few weeks. I really can’t believe it’s a year in June. It’s gone quick but at the same time it’s as though time has stood still aswell, if you get what I mean.
Everything’s just feeling too much lately. Definitely feeling the heaviness and I could stay in bed/in my flat every day. It definitely is a rollercoaster of emotions isn’t it sending you lots of love through this second year of yours
You’re right in saying nothing will ever be the same. It’s like how can life be so cruel!? We’re all happy, enjoying life, living as though nothing bad will happen and then the devastating thing happens…and it sure makes us reevaluate a lot of things doesn’t it? The grieving are a different breed altogether, we are like a little family because we understand eachother and those who’ve not yet experienced grief just don’t get it, they don’t understand how much effort and mental energy it takes to just get out of bed.
Can we just have our loved ones back with us and then just pause death and live happily forever…if only 
This message may be random and mumble jumble (it’s 03:18am) and I still didn’t feel up to replying but I have so apologies if it is an essay (I tend to write essays) and if I’m rambling.
It was 5yrs on the 27th May since Nana passed away (Dad’s mum) so I feel some comfort that they’re together, peaceful. That mornining of Nana’s anniversary, my Dad was in my dream (like a sign to say he’s okay and with Nana perhaps) because in my dream he was alive and well and the last times I’ve dreamt of him, I’ve known him to be unwell in my dream, so it was comforting seeing him well in my dream but also upsetting when I woke up.
Anyways, I’m typing too much (sorry). Sending love to you all x
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