Really struggling

Hi everyone. I’ve just found this community and felt it would be somewhere I can be totally open about how I’m feeling. I’m a mum of 3 and a soon to be wife so feel like I have to keep it together and be strong infront of them.
December 2018 my Nan sadly decided to take her own life which came as a huge shock and turnt my world upside down, 10 days after her passing just as I was feeling ready to try and process what had happened after blocking it out my Grandad was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I haven’t had a great relationship with my Dad so my Grandad has always been that father figure and I unknowingly just plodded through life like he’d always be there to then realise he was going to be ripped away from me destroyed me as a person. My mum who has Parkinson’s disease became his main and sole carter so I stepped in as the extra support for them both. Even though we have a large family we were the only ones doing everything, I live 110 miles away and did the drive to them 2 - 3 times a week spending every weekend with them. Watching one of the most important people in your world deteriorate daily is something I can’t bring myself to even rethink or deal with. He was taken into the hospice after the cancer had attacked his spinal cord and within 6 days he passed away. I didn’t leave his side during that stay and slept on a camp bed next to him. I was with him until his final breath. I have this overwhelming guilt because I wish I wasn’t there as it’s the one thing I replay over and over in my head - watching him die. I feel blessed that I was there and try to find comfort in that he knew how loved he was and that I didn’t leave him but I’d do anything to remove that memory as it tears me apart every single day. I feel lost and like I’ll never be me again without him. I feel guilt over the loss I feel for him compared to the loss I feel for my Nan. I loved her so much but me and my grandad had a different relationship, he was my best friend. I know deep down it’s ok to feel more of a connection with someone then someone else but I can’t shake the feeling of guilt for grieving for him more.
We had his funeral in December and 2 weeks later my horse of a lifetime then passed away, may sound daft but he wasn’t just a horse he was my release from pain and sorrow I’d spend an hour with him and feel eased and relaxed. He helped keep my anxiety at bay and stress would melt away with him. Then 2 weeks after his passing my step mum took her own life. We never had the best relationship, so I then deal with this horrible feeling of I’m meant to be heartbroken over her passing she was my step mum for 25 years but because of the relationship between us I feel sorry for her passing but it’s hard to feel what I should be feeling.
The last 18 months have been full of loss for me and it’s so overwhelming. Last week I took the step to contact my doctors and they’ve prescribed me anti depressants with the doctor saying all that I’ve gone through is a cause for concern but I’m doing great and holding it together but in my head I’m not. I’m not holding it together at all. I just want to lay in bed and cry until I can’t cry anymore but as soon as I start to cry I stop myself and won’t allow it because I’m scared it will never end. I’m scared to really face the feelings of loss and heartbreak that are inside me. I just don’t feel like I’ll ever get past this and it’s such a horrible dark place in my head.
Sorry for rambling on I just needed to put it all down and say it to someone other then myself xx

Hi Georgina
Sorry for all your losses , you have taken an amazing and brave step by posting on this forum. No wonder you feel the way you do , you must be an amazing woman to keep going the way you do.
It’s now time to stop and take care of yourself hunni your no1. You have given so much to caring for your grandfather and will all your other losses you must be completely worn out.
That’s positive you have spoken with your GP . Have you been offered any counselling? Take care xx

Dear Georgina, I hope you feel a little bit better after writing it all down. Writing is a great way to offload all those pent up emotions. I do it all the time. What a terrible, difficult time you’ve had, you’re having still. Please, please rid yourself of guilt. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You sound like you’ve done your best by everyone but now it’s time to take care of yourself. Slow down, breathe…
I am so sorry for all your losses. Your grandad passed with you right by his side, feeling loved. He was blessed to have you just as you were blessed to have him. With regards your stepmother, well you simply didn’t have that bond with her - she wasn’t your mum. I had a stepfather and I never felt a bond with him. When he passed, like you, I wasn’t heartbroken. I was sad for my mum but that was about it really. Some people have a great connection with a step parent and that’s good, but many don’t.
I hope you find the support you need on this site. Please post again, there’s always somebody ready to listen. Sending you love and strength and a huge hug. xx