My beautiful mother passed away 5 weeks ago and I’ve been putting off college and work ever since.
Today I decided to go back to college and I found it so overwhelming, I even found myself disappearing for a while to have a cry in the toilets.
I just keep getting so emotional these days, I’ve had a few days that I’ve got through without crying but it seems going back to college has made me very emotional again.
How am I ever going to return to work when even college was hard work enough for me. People tell me it will take my mind off things but it’s anything but that right now.
My college friends gave me a hug when I got in and even that almost set me off, I know they mean well though.
I feel so completely lost in life and feel that it has no meaning and think what’s the point, I simply feel like I’m just exisiting and waiting to die. Such a horrible feeling.
At night before I go to sleep I find myself in a deep panic thinking about my mum just lying in her house and just dying on her own and it fills me with so much dread.
I don’t even have an answer as to how she died so I can’t even figure out whether she was aware or in pain, and it’s just killing me inside.
I don’t think I’ll ever get over losing her, I so wish I could go back in time and try and save her
Hi Jess1 im so sorry for your loss.I lost my mum just over 2 years ago and i was always asking what if.I think it’s normal to do that.Even today i ask that question if things had gone differently then i know my mother would still be here but that wont change anything.Life is just really unfair. I was so lost when i lost my mum life just felt pointless.I felt all different emotions.Sad,angry,guilty and numb.Time doesnt heal but it does help things start to feel less raw and things start to feel less hard to deal with as time goes on.Just try to be compassionate to yourself.Sending big hugs
Just feel like I’m never going to get over it and I keep finding myself researching the afterlife I’ve became unhealthily obsessed in looking for answers and I keep begging/preying for a sign and feel so completely heartbroken when I don’t receive anything.
And if I get something that could be a sign I always think there’s a logical explanation for it. I guess I’m just lost and seeking comfort cause if I knew for sure I’d see her again it would certainly lift my spirits and help me heal.
Just finding it hard to believe she’s gone she was so precious to me and I never told her I loved her enough
@Jess1 so sorry for your loss. I am just over 3 months losing my mum and know how you feel. Mine had a heart attack, no signs she was fine I found her at home after not getting a reply to my calls. I go through the what ifs also. Doctor said even if I was there its happened so quickly nothing I could have done. I miss her so much and it still really hurts. I live alone with my son and morning and night is the worst work keeps me busy in the day. Unfortunately this is our new normal without them, I don’t like it but it’s a day at a time that’s all we can do.
Take care, Valda
Yes first thing in the morning and night time is when I feel at my worse, I’m so confused that I haven’t been able to dream about her much since she is my first and last thought every single day.
In fact I think of her constantly and think about her voice saying my name a lot.
I don’t want this ‘new life’ without her, it feels so cruel and so wrong
I feel like a lost little child
Sorry to hear that you to lost your mother, there’s nothing quite like it!
I am so sorry that you are struggling so much.This is what i wrote on here 4 months after losing my mum.I felt the same.
It’s been 4 months tomorrow since my mother died.I am in such a dark place.Nothing makes sense anymore.Its like life is going on and I’m standing still.Everyday is a battle.I just keep hoping to wake up from this nightmare but this is real it’s my normal and I hate it.I needed my mother more than ever and she’s just gone.I am so lost.The weather is beautiful today but it doesn’t make a difference.All I see in front of me is darkness.I feel so alone.To make matters worse I had covid in January and I lost my sense of smell and taste.Everything tastes and smells horrible.My cat also passed away last month.How can so many bad things happen one after another?
It is so hard i know but life does become easier.It just takes time.There will be ups and downs.Going through all the firsts.Birthdays,Mothers day,Christmas is so tough and it does feel like youll always feel like this.Just take it day by day or hour by hour if you need to.I think losing a parent is so traumatic because you feel alone in the world but your not.Here if you need a chat.Take care
Hi Jess. I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m in a similar boat. I lost my mum last month and I have no idea how I’m supposed to move forward now. I’m supposed to be going back to university in September but I can’t even begin to think about it or make arrangements and I have no idea how I’m going to be able to do anything. Sending love to you and I hope things become easier for us both in time, but I’m here in the meantime if you ever need someone to talk to
@Jess1 you will get signs eventually. I got my first feather a couple of days before her birthday and I was going to watch one of her favourite films on her birthday and must have gave the dvd away when clearing out her things… On the night of her birthday flicking through channels one of her favourite John Wayne films was on so my son and I watched it.
My mum was a single parent so all I have ever had and I’m lost without her she was my go to which sounds like your mum. This is still raw for me so I know how raw it will be for you right now. Don’t put any pressure on yourself as to how you may or may not think how you should be at this stage, everyone is different. Maybe try some counselling to I thought I didn’t need it but talking to someone neutral does help. Take care
I am so sorry that you are going through the same horrible ‘journey’ as myself.
At the moment I can’t ever see me being how I used to be what ever that may have been lol. (Been depressed a long time) but at least I had my mum then and she was worried about the way my mood had been lately.
I am really struggling with the fact that I didn’t tell her that I loved her as much as I should have. I keep thinking about all the times I was horrible towards her during disagreements and I feel ever so guilty.
The last time I so her was a good day though and we hugged and said our goodbyes but it doesn’t seem to help me stop thinking about the things I never got to say and the things I should have never said.
I am still struggling to believe that she is really gone, how can everything that made her, her be gone
I am sorry but I have seen quite a few white feathers since but I’ve thought of logical explanations and have already said to myself it’s spring now and mating season lol.
She will have to send me a more convincing sign than feathers I suppose.
I’m thinking seeing a medium on a 1 to a basis, because people claim they went in expecting nothing and have left completely changed and more open , I’m a bit worried I’d leave more heartbroken though if they got it wrong.
I did attend my local spirtulist church the other week but obviously didn’t get chosen for a reading and left feeling slightly daft and disappointed for even trying especially since the medium kept getting things wrong.
She said it was her sat nav (meaning in her head) was off that day and when she mentioned something that didn’t mean anything to the specific person, people started piping up saying it sounds like more of a message for them
I feel exactly the same. It’s so hard to think of the good instead of ruminating on the bad times, my mum and I spent almost all our time together, and I was with her at the end, but all I can think of is that I was out with my friends when she stopped breathing and the ambulance was called, and how I don’t remember the last thing I said to her before I left, or the last thing she said to me.
I can’t wrap my head around her not being here anymore, sometimes it still feels like she’s just out or something and I think “I’ll tell her this later” before I remember. I keep hoping the funeral with feel like closure for me, but I doubt it. I’m so sorry you’re also struggling with all this
My mum was unfortunately kept with the coroners for a while and unfortunately I became the executor and had lots to sort out.
I thought I’d be relieved once she was put to rest but instead I felt more sad cause it felt more final. Just being honest here! But I did feel slight relief that they couldn’t do anymore with her cause she had been cremated.
How are you finding your sleeping? I see that people can’t sleep but I’ve been the total opposite and sleep a lot more than usual and never feel well rested.
Oh, that sounds so stressful, I’m sorry! Luckily my older sister took care of most of the logistics for my mum, so I didn’t have to.
I’m the same. My siblings have all said they’re struggling to sleep but honestly, I could sleep almost all day. I feel kind of numb, I just want to sleep all the time. But no matter how much I sleep, I’m absolutely drained
Oh Jess it’s so tough, I am due back to work on Monday on a phased return, I cannot comprehend this as it stands. I started a new job in October, a ‘big’ job, the last time this happened I was diagnosed with an aggressive cancer, now this. I want to work, I love my job, I just cannot think about my reaction to sympathy from colleagues.
Cremation was both heartbreaking and a relief for me, the coroner also kept my poor mum for an age. She had been given a clean bill of health by her GP a week before so the coroner insisted on extra pm. Fortunately they did this by CT but not before they shipped her across several counties to find the right facility, I just wanted them to leave her alone & stop messing. I am haunted that they just kept shifting my poor mum around like a nobody.
I am executor, I have two brothers, both have acted in different ways, both entirely as expected, both have carried on with their lives. The bureaucracy is brutal, cancelled her mobile today & had an absolute meltdown that her phone is no longer active.
As for signs, this I do believe, I know not everyone does but I think we do what comforts us, it is very personal. My mum had a set of ‘wishing stones’ she used them if one of her cats went awol, just a funny little quirk! When I emptied her drawers I found them, took them out & had a cry. When I looked at them again, there was a single pearl stud in with them. On the day of her funeral, the director handed me her pearl studs, both of them. So this, I take comfort from.
I’ve been in talks with work on coming back and they suggested that I’d do a phased return to work but I only go college on Mondays and I only went for half the day as I had a job on at home and I found that unbearable.
Don’t know why but going back to ‘normal’ makes me feel so overwhelmed with sadness.
It doesn’t help that I was unhappy in my job beforehand either though.
I just want my Mum so bad I can’t even put into words the level of pure sadness and anxiety I feel right this moment in time.
I guess I feel so worked up over it all? And know I cannot do anything at all to release the utter pain I’m experiencing.
Why did my mum get taken at 50 it’s not fair, I’m too young to be without a mother, I don’t think I’m coping too well right now x
I know exactly how you feel im in the same boat. 5 weeks ago. Havent left the house only 4 times. Cant go back to work. Cant do hardly anything… its heartbreaking
