Received wisdom

The received wisdom is that - I am doing really well - I am a really strong person - I have made so much progress since the death - I have taken up new interests and met a lot of new people. Aren’t I the clever one. If this is all true why do I feel like crap most days. I look and sound better just because I have learned to hide my feeling better. It is a never ending roller coaster of emotions which leaves me drained and immensely sad. I wish I could be the person other people see .

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Hi. I’m only just over 3 months down the road and not got to where you are but that rollacoasta just don’t end. I put on a fake face during the day then I get home and the real me is there. Devistated and heartbroken. I think it’s the price of love. Take care

Hi Florence, I associate myself closely to your words… well some of them. I’m not a really strong person and I haven’t yet taken up new interests, but outwardly I appear OK.
We are like this because they (other people) are unable to cope with the person we are inside. The best way to be socially acceptable is to behave the way they would like us to behave. This situation is sad for them and sad for us because we cannot be ourselves.
I don’t think you would really want to be the person that others see because that would mean being emotionless, and I’m sure that’s not the person you are. So in the meantime, just put up with the emotional roller coaster of grief and love because you have little choice.
Wishing you well and strength for the future. AL x

Hi. AL. You are so right. We do try and put on a brave front because, well in my case, I got fed up with platitudes from well meaning people. ‘Are you OK now?’ ‘Yes’ I reply ‘as well as can be expected’, and leave it at that when I was falling apart inside. But the surest way to drive people away is to engage in the ‘poor me’ mode. If we put on a degree of cheerfulness even through we may not feel it, it can help those not bereaved to help.
Mourning in our hearts can go on for some time. There is no time scale.
But Florence, you know in yourself how you feel, and no one else can get into your mind. Words are totally inadequate but, alas, it’s all we have to communicate with. Our bodies follow our emotions. People find it difficult to understand that. It can be as physically upsetting as well as emotional. Physical feelings so often follow emotions.
Take care. John.

It’s funny how we have to put on a different face because it’s more socially acceptable. I evdn put on my brave face at mums funeral as I didn’t want to upset my dad even more. I Wanted to keep an eye on my brother. I Didn’t want my kids to see me too upset. I Wanted to thank people for coming. Made sure everyone had some food. That night I cried all night. And now I do most of my crying alone. I think it’s “normal”. But it shouldn’t be

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Hi Jooles. So good talking to you. Whatever you are feeling deep inside your posts are always positive, well, like most of us, as positive as can be expected. ‘Normal’? Now what’s normal? Someone asked an old Indian philosopher if he was sane. ‘Look around you, is all the pain and suffering sanity? Is what we do to each other sanity’?
Normal for one may not be for another. It seems to me that only two things exist that can be called normal. Love and pain. We have all loved and are in pain. That is common through all humanity. The woman who loses her son in Afghanistan is as much in grief as a woman in the UK. Pain and grief have no borders. Don’t say it shouldn’t be. It’s how you are at the moment and that’s OK. Whatever any of us do and however we behave during this awful time is ‘normal’ for us. You obviously are concerned about others, but you do need to look after yourself too.
Take care and Blessings and very best wishes. John

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Thank you John. Lovely as always to talk to you