Recent loss

I lost my hubby recently. We’d been together for over 46 years, married for 42 of them. At first I felt I was coping
but just recently I feel so many emotions and a realisation of what it all means. I’m lucky to have lots of friends who are very supportive but somehow I can’t talk honestly about my mixed up feelings. I’m new to this site and have read some wonderful comments. We all deal with things in our own way but it’s so good to share.

Hi, I have recently lost my husband of 46 years, and also am experiencing a range of emotions, sadness, loneliness, longing for him, although I am so lucky to have good friends and family too. I am trying to get on with life without him, and it is so hard. I have not really accepted that he will not be coming back. Everything seems overwhelming at the moment and the future feels very empty. He was only ill for a few weeks, before that he was very strong and active. When he went into hospital, we thought he would be out in a week, but sadly he deteriorated rapidly and died after 10 days. We are all still in shock. It is so difficult to explain how hopeless everything feels at the moment, and how inadequate I feel, when usually I can cope with most things. I am new to the site tonight, and try to stay up as late as I can, so that I can fall asleep out of exhaustion when I eventually go to bed. Everyone says that we go through a pattern of grief, and there are different phases to cope with. At the moment I am feeling quite numb, then sobbing at the slightest thing. Crying does help. Take care.

Hi,
I know how you feel. I feel exactly the same myself. I’m still in shock, it’s 8 weeks now and I haven’t dealt with it, or even excepted what happened. I have 3 children and i also feel inadequate. I know my children would have been better off if it was me that had passed. My husband was such a lovely man, kind, caring, and very intelligent.
I hope you feel stronger soon, and more able to cope.

BW Lesley

Hi Conie

Really sorry for your loss. It’s such a difficult thing to deal with. My emotions are all over the place, one minute I think I can cope, then I’m falling apart. It’s a scary thought being on my own heading towards old age. I hope you find the strength to get through.

BW Lesley

Thank you for your kind words. I can see you are up late too. Please do not say that your children would be better off if you had gone first. I am sure they wouldn’t like to lose you. 8 weeks is a short time but it probably feels like a lifetime. I have my husband’s picture on my phone and take it/him with me everywhere. I keep talking to him and asking him to help me. I have so much that I wish I had said to him but didn’t. After so many years together we took each other for granted. Hindsight is a wonderful thing and I just wish I could have a day or an hour to talk to him again.
We quarrelled bitterly sometimes and I feel guilty now but we had very happy times as well and we loved each other. Please do not punish yourself more. You are suffering enough. It is so tough to get through this. How old are your children? Are they coping? My prayers are with you. Hope tomorrow is a bit better than today, and the next day better than tomorrow.
This feeling of loss is horrible.

Yes I stay up late every night. I can’t stand lying in bed awake. My children are, my son Alex is 25 and twin girls 22. They are great kids. I would say they are coping ok, better than me. I say they would be better with their dad around because he was just so wise and really funny. He would be stronger than me. I am just falling apart. I am lucky that we are all so close.
Don’t worry about the arguments you had, but married life. Just hold on to the good times you had.
Have you got children? How long had you been together?

Lesley

Hi Lesley
We were together for 47 years, married 46 years. Two adult children, 44 and 36. Both taken the loss badly. I am lucky to have friends and family around but I just want to be back to normal although that will never be. I want to be on my own for a while but then feel totally lost. I suppose I was spoiled by him in lots of ways. I miss him being around to talk to and tell him things, everyday chat. I miss cuddlying and having hugs. He was a pain in many ways, totally untidy, disorganised but friendly, loving and kind to everyone. This sounds totally selfish but we were always together and he compensated for me and my shortcomings and I did the same whenever I could. I always felt young for my age (67) until now. Now I just see loneliness ahead for a long time. It would be easy to give up but that is not possible.
You must be a lot younger than I am. It must be even worse for you. I am sorry for rambling on but this is the most honest conversation I have had in weeks. It helps a bit to know that I am experiencing similar feelings that others have. We all look so normal outside but I feel I want to scream inside. Hope you get to sleep eventually. Thanks for listening.

Hi
What I would give to have my old life. We were very happy together. Holding hands, laughing about silly things. We didn’t need anyone else. Just us and the kids, we did lots together aa a family. In some ways I miss not doing much, just watching tv, or just chatting. The every day stuff.
I am 54 and Richard was 55, we have by together nearly 40 years. He wasn’t ill, not that we knew, he had a fatal heart attack. It was such a massive shock. It’s hard to comprehend it’s happened.

Lesley

Hi Lesley
I am so sorry to hear that your husband’s death was so sudden. We just don’t know what could happen to us during the course of a day. We are never prepared for such an event and I can’t imagine how you must be feeling. At least I had a chance to say our goodbyes and was in the hospital when he suffered cardiac arrest following a week of agony and horrific pain which we have now been told was an aggressive form of cancer which had spread throughout his organs so quickly.
This is the first time I have used a chat room and it helps to know that someone is out there who understands.
I am here for you if it helps. God bless.

Thanks. I don’t know what’s worse, I wouldn’t have wanted him to have suffered, but I wish I could of said good bye, and told him I loved him one more time. Luckily we did say ‘I love you’ all the time.
I does help to talk about this with someone that actually knows how it really feels.

Thank you for your company during the night.

Lesley

Hi both
How has your day gone today?
I am just going into loneliness mode and tearful again as it is just me and the dog after a busy day.
Thinking of you and hoping you are both ok at the moment.

Hi,
A very sad, lonely day today. Been on my own for hours. My brother came in for a bit this morning and a sister this evening. My girls stayed home tonight, so I did have company at times. Im struggling with the realisation of more impending loneliness to come. I have never been on my own, I met my husband when I was 15 and he was 16, so now at 54 it’s a sad position to be in. So that was my day, how about yours ?

Lesley

If you cant sleep, I will be awake for a chat

Lesley

Bless you. I have been trying to sort bereavement papers out today. There is a lot of things to do and copies of death certificates to be sent off. Every time I change an account name from both of us to my name only, it is as if I am cutting a bit of my husband out of my life. We also did everything together and belonged to a walking group which we led mostly. The friends there are devastated as they thought he was so fit and healthy up until a few weeks ago. I am not ready to go back yet as it will be strange on my own, although there are singles as well as couples. I have been with my husband since age 19 and he was 23. I cannot ever see me wanting to start other relationships as we were very close and I never expected our marriage to end when it did. We had lots of friends but he was my best friend, supporter and I loved being just the two of us and our dogs most of the time. Our son and grandchildren live 200 miles away and have their own lives, although they are wonderfully supportive. My other son is single and lives closer to us but works so cannot be expected to be here more than at present. I want to show them that I can manage. It is early days but I look at the house and garden and wonder if I will have to move to a smaller house in due course. This is the thing… everything we did was for the two of us, and not one. It is so strange.

Hi,
I haven’t done any of the paper work yet, I just can’t face doing it. I am not ready to take his name off any of it. I too don’t want to think about having other relationships in the future. Rich was the love of my life, I can’t wait to be with him again. I will stay as I am until then. I am making big efforts today to look like I am coping, for the kids mostly, they need to see I’m ok.

Lesley

Oh Lesley, my heart goes out to you. I am trying to be strong to prove to the family that they don’t have to be too responsible for me in future. I have now been widowed (and I can’t believe the word yet) for 5 weeks. I do not want to feel like this for years to come either and would love to just give up. The hard way is to keep going because that is probably what our men would have expected us to do. I cannot see a future at the moment. I just see day to day going through the motions. We spent many years caravanning in West Wales. We were there 2 days before he was admitted urgently to hospital. I cannot imagine staying there on my own/with dog although the neighbours on site are wonderful. Our lives have just changed overnight. Please feel free to message me if you want to, day or night. I don’t mind giving out my phone number if it helps you to speak or sob down the phone as I did the other night to the Samaritans when I felt so low in the early hours. Although family and friends say to ring anytime, I would not ring them during the night unless I was ill. I have never lived alone before, so that is strange, although he did work away occasionally, he was home during the weekends and the children were here then anyway. Every aspect of my life has been turned on its head. I had no idea that losing my soul mate would be so devastating. In truth I thought we had years of old age to share first, this was not our plan. Exhausted again so hope to get some sleep eventually but phone is next to me throughout night. I saw a bit on television programme about best ways to be happy. They suggested one way is to hug a stranger, so I am sending hugs to you over the internet in the hope that it gives you some help. X nite nite

Thank you, I know, it’s the Hugh change that’s been put on us. I can’t imagine ever being happy again. Although I am trying to look like I am coping. I know rich would want me to be happy. Tomorrow I am going to try and do some housework. Hope you get some sleep.

Lesley

Thanks Lesley. You are being very brave and I have found trying to do housework/gardening is giving a small bit of normality back. However I cried this week when putting washing into the machine because it was all my clothes and none of his. I have one unwashed shirt under the pillow which is my comfort blanket to hug. Don’t forget - message any time if you can’t sleep.

Hi, thanks. I did manage 5 hours sleep last night. Which is good for me. I too have a unwashed t-shirt of his that I sleep with.

Hope you have a better day.

Talk later.

Lesley

Hi Lesley
Glad you managed a bit more sleep. I think I did as well but so very tired today. I had to go to a bank appointment at 10.30. The Adviser was really nice as we had both seen him a few times previously. He was genuinely shocked to hear about the bereavement. It was still an ordeal but another job ticked off the long list.
I called into my sister’s house for a chat/cuppa afterwards. She is such a support and knows when I am having a bad day. I am having a bad day today. The future is looking bleak. I have a home and adequate income to keep going but it’s just an effort to think of what the next few years will hold.
I was going to do some gardening this afternoon as I always feel better in the fresh air but the weather has turned showery so that will have to wait.
There are many jobs waiting to be tackled but my concentration is not good so they will be put aside again.
We were stalwart members of the local church but I havent been for weeks. The members have all been kind but I dont feel up to seeing them yet.
It is strange that I am lonely but don’t want to talk to anybody other than my sister/brother in law and then pouring my heart out here. It is a help just putting these random thoughts down and getting them out of my head.
Thanks for listening. Let me know how you have got on today. I am here for you 24 /24.
Eileen

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