Recent loss

Hi Eileen,
Sorry I must of fallen asleep, usually I’m awake. I feel exactly the same. I try so hard to be strong but it doesn’t work. I miss my husband more and more each day. I don’t know how I’m getting through the day’s really. Me and the kids talk about him all the time, we cry a lot, but we smile a little too about certain things he did. I am scared about going forward without him, really frightened about that. It’s horrible thinking of all the time I will be on my own. I know the kids will go on and have their lives, and that’s how it should be, but I am sad for me. He really was the love of my life, and I told him that all the time, and he told me the same too. Our love was true.
Sorry I wasn’t there for you last night, I hope you managed to get some sleep.

Hope you have a good day.

Lesley xx

Hello Lesley and all. It is ten days now since my lovely husband died but I still can’t believe he is not here. I am feeling very lonely tonight, and even though a
I have family and friends I could contact or visit I dont want to. Even in a group of people I feel totally alone. I feel as if I don’t know who I am and I am tired all the time. At least when I am asleep I am not thinking about him…I am really dreading the funeral as I don’t want to make a fool of myself in front of everyone. Just felt the need to share with those who can understand.

Hi Toria
My sincere sympathy to you. My husband passed away 6 weeks ago and I have been glad of the support from this online community as we are all going through similar feelings. We have all lost our soul mates and are grieving. Due to a post mortem and inquiry my husband’s funeral was delayed and was a bit longer than it should have been. I was terrified as the day approached because it is such a traumatic day. In the event I was determined to maintain dignity and told our close family that it was going to be his send off, to celebrate his life, and we would hold ourselves together in public. He was well known and well loved locally and the church and crem were packed to overflowing. It was a privilege to be there with our friends, family and neighbours, all there because they wanted to be with us to share the pain and happy times with us, his family. I am sure that will be the same for you. Somehow I switched to auto-pilot and the funeral is somewhat of a blur. It is good to know that people care enough to want to join you. Please be brave, you will get through it. It is so hard but it has to be done. We are all supporting you from afar. My loneliness comes over me in waves and then I am sobbing for what could have been. I don’t think I appreciated fully how good a husband I had. I loved him dearly but after 46 years together took it for granted that he could fix a plug, sort the wifi out, repair things, act as my chauffeur and bring me a cup of tea every morning whether I was awake or asleep.
Our lives have changed and it is something you cannot understand until you have experienced it, unfortunately.
We are all suffering the same sort of emptiness which only a loving partner can fill, no matter how good the family are, it is the special bond of closeness that has been broken.
Keep talking to us, I have poured my heart out to Lesley and she has helped me a lot, particularly in the early hours of the morning. So God Bless. We all wish that we could go back in time if only for a last hug or few words. I am thinking of you.
Eileen

Thankyou so much for replying so quickly. It has helped me to know someone is out there understanding how I feel.luv Toria

Anytime Toria. We are all trying to understand what is going on in our heads and hearts. The feeling of grief is as if you are being ripped apart and going mad. I want to scream the place down and keep waiting for my husband to put his arms around me and say it is going to be alright. I don’t want to be making all the decisions from now on. I don’t want to be watching TV on my own, or going for a walk on my own. Everyone says I am “doing very well and coping very well”. I am quite an independent person but I am not doing very well despite outward appearances. I am really lonely despite having a wonderful sister and brother in law living close by.
So we are all in a situation that we did not expect to be in. I am 67 and hubby was 71 two days before he died in hospital. We were very active, enjoyed outdoor activities and thought we had a good few years ahead of us. We spent many hours doing voluntary work in the community after retirement and were going to “retire” from a lot of the voluntary work this summer to start our retirement properly. It was not to be. Sadly no one knows when or how their life is going to end and those left really can suffer. I am a firm believer that we will be re-united with our loved ones one day and I really can’t wait to see him again. It is the only thing that is keeping me going at the moment.
Try and rest, sleep as much as you can, whenever you can. You are going through so much, mentally and physically.
Contact us anytime, day or night if you want company.
Eileen

Hi Toria,
I’m sorry you are struggling so much, I was the same, dreading the funeral. Somehow you get the strength to do it. I too was worried I would fall apart, I did a bit, a lot really. But it doesn’t matter. You will do what you have to do. I thought of something he used to say that always made me laugh, I thought about it as much as I could throughout the day, it did help to focus on something. You definitely won’t make a fool of yourself.

I am thinking of you lots.

Lesley xx

Hi Eileen,
I’m wide awake tonight, so if you fancy a chat later, your on.
Hope you’ve had a better day. I’ve been out in the garden a lot today. It does help to get some fresh air.

Lesley

Hi Lesley
Lovely to hear from you. I am so glad that you feel up to doing a bit of gardening.
I have tackled a number of things in the last couple of days which would normally have been Vernon’s territory. I hope that he is proud of the efforts I am trying to make to keep going. He was so proud of our little garden and ladt year it was a blaze of colour. This year March was cold and wet and April not much better, then he started to be out ofvsorts in May and did not feel up to doing much, which was so unusual for him. Anyway, I am watering and weeding like mad, have cut back wisteria and laurel bushes and planted pansirs and other flowers to fill gaps.
Our Nordic Walk group bought me a rose named after him, and planted it in a lovely planter with a small plaque on it, in his memory. I cried buckets, it was so nice of them. Now I am guarding it, watering and dead-heading it and hope it survives my efforts of green fingers.
I have also replanted patches in the lawn which the dog has ruined, he looked after the lawn as if it was a bowling green, although small and sloping.
All these jobs were done without me even noticing.
Last Friday I went alone to our caravan and that was a huge hurdle. Again I worked on the flower garden there and cut the grass.
I walked around our usual haunts with the dog and it was bearable but I fell asleep on the sofa when watching TV. I woke up and felt happier than for ages and called out to him to ask if he wanted a cup of tea, assuming he had gone to bed. Then reality hit me for six. I could not stop sobbing. It was so nice to feel happy for a few minutes again. I don’t know if you feel the same but part of me is cold and numb inside, it is as if I don’t care about what is going on with normal day to day things. My focus is on why did he have to die now?why not another few years? why, why, why?
Now again I am in our bedroom with pictures of him around, hearing his voice in my head, wide awake and wondering how am I going to get on with living in this house on my own for years to come when old age will creep in and I will have to ask for help.
I am fed up of banks, papers, form filling, death certificates and everything else to sort out. I think that I am getting on with it all then something else crops up. It is all important but not when you feel vulnerable and tearful. Have you thought about starting to sort your paperwork yet? If so, I hope your son/daughters are able to help you out. I thought we were reasonably tidy in our record keeping but some things take ages to sort. Premium Bonds - only £50 worth - but hard to find a phone number and the correct forms to switch.
I had an appointment for a hair cut today at a salon I have been going to for many years. The staff are all lovely and all came to see me and hug me, which made me cry again, then it was embarrassing as customers wanted to know why I was upset…
Have you had another counselling session this week? Is it still helping you? I can see this site has online counselling but I am unable to download the programme needed to take part.
My younger son was in tears on the phone earlier. He had seen his dad’s favourite programme advertised and wanted to let him know. Then the realization hit him hard.
My eyes are closing and I can feel myself nodding off. I hope this is not just for one hour again.
Thank you for listening. Please look after yourself and try and make that GP appointment quite soon. If you need to chat then I have the phone next to me so will answer you whatever the time of night.
God Bless
Eileen

d.

Hi,

I’m glad you made it clear o the caravan, that was a Hugh step to take. It will get easier going there I’m sure. We have to remember the things we did as couples, and enjoy them again. It’s what they would want us to do. Your garden sounds lovely. I’m looking after a tree sapling that we got just before this nightmare began, I’m praying it survives, I’m watering it, but the sun is burning the new leaves. New shoots are still growing, then going. Not sure what will happen, but fingers crossed. I’m spending lots of time with the kids so that’s good. Most of the families, mine and Richards are either going, on, or coming back from various holidays. It’s driving me mad, it’s like a punch in the face every time I hear about them. How does everyone else get to carry on with their lives and we don’t? How is that fair. Still each time, I say have a nice time, enjoy it.
Anyway that’s enough of my moaning, hope I haven’t disturbed you.

Have a good day tomorrow.

Lesley xx

Hi Lesley,
How are you doing? I haven’t been able to post for a couple of days - it has been the worst yet. 7 weeks today (Sunday) I lost my best reason for living. I am trying hard but the tears keep coming. I thought I could not cry anymore, but how wrong was that. Various reasons for feeling this way again - my sister’s 47th wedding anniversary on Friday, and ours would be next in October 47 years, as my sister and I got married just under 3 months apart and the 4 of us have been so close ever since, but now there are 3 of us. My sister and brother in law are so supportive and they are grieving too. Friday evening was the first time I remember that I have been alone on a Friday. I know I have to be alone a lot more in the future and it is such a frightening thought. My friends are brilliant, phoning, calling, looking out for me, but from 11pm it is so quiet and lonely. My memory is getting shocking, I am sure that is down to tiredness, very late nights and stress.

I am missing my husband more than ever. Everyone says the pain will get less, the grief eases eventually. I am sure that is true but the end result is the same, alone, without someone that shared every aspect of your life, who knew you, warts and all, who was there to support you, laugh with you, and someone who was so comfortable to be with.

Hope you are ok. Been thinking of you. Take care.
Eileen.

Hi,

I have been exactly the same. It’s getting harder and harder to cope and carry on. I am having complete meltdowns, panicking about facing the future alone. I thought it would ease, but it’s not, now coming up 11 weeks!. I have my children and family around me, but I have never felt more alone. It feels like I’m still in a bouble watching everyone enjoying life, but for me it’s over. I don’t know how to motivate myself to do anything, the kids are worried that I am losing the plot. One of my sisters is coming to stay for a few days, so hopefully that will give the kids a break. I feel like I’m letting them down, I should be strong for them, not the other way round.
Sorry I can’t be more positive, and try to cheer you up.
Hope you have a better day, I think the weather is supposed to be good today, so that might help a bit.

Lesley

Hi
Haven’t chatted for a while but saw your post this morning.
It will be 6 weeks exactly at 09:45 today that I lost my wife.
I have been in meltdown from last weekend through this weekend and I feel I’m letting the kids down.I can see terror in there faces as they watch me suffering.Its so bad my youngest son said to me look dad we are all missing mum but your granddaughter is due any time now and I need you to be strong for all of us that’s what mum would want.How can someone so young be so strong.So I have got to try and be strong for them.We will never forget our loved ones who died but we have to go on day by day and look after the loved ones we still have with us.
Loneliness is just a fact of life for me now. I spent Saturday and Sunday on my own went totally mad threw things broke things shouted screamed and ende up on kitchen floor rolled up in a ball crying my eyes out.So that’s my life for the foreseeable future but I have promised myself that I will not do this in front of kids anymore I will breakdown in private.
I hope you can find strength to get through this awful grief we are suffering from I know how hard it is.

William

Hi William
So sorry to read your reply and to hear of the pain you are suffering. Yesterday was 7 weeks since I lost my husband and I relived every moment of that horrible day in the hospital throughout yesterday.
Everyone on this site seems to be suffering so much from their bereavements. It is so hard to explain to someone who has not experienced this situation, about what it feels like. I feel as if I am going mad sometimes. I have sobbed and sobbed for what we h ad and now it has gone. The trouble is that whenever I was upset, my husband used to put his arms around me and comfort me, and now that his loss is the cause of the pain, and he is not here, it is so much worse.

I cannot give you any words of wisdom or comfort at the moment, only to say, whenever you feel alone, post on this site and someone will be there to answer you.

I am trying to think how my husband would be if the situation was reversed, and to be honest I think he would be coping less than I am at the moment. So I am glad that he is not suffering pain any more, and that I have to gt through this somehow or other, for him, because he would not want me suffering either.

It is so hard, but as you say, day by day, one day at a time, all the old clichés and hope that we can be strong enough to keep going until the pain eases one day.

I am sure that your grand-daughter will be such a blessing to you when she arrives and your wife will be watching out for her and all your family.

Hope today is bearable, 6 weeks is still such a short time, we have to try and give ourselves time as well.

Eileen.

Thanks for your support.
When my mum and dad passed away My wife got me through those hard times she hugged me when I cried for them in bed at night.Now I have no one to hug me at night and get me through this.Its-just too hard to bear.

William

Hello Wiliam, I have been thinking about you. I have had a very strange day today. I went to the funeral place to see Peter for the last time, and have just met my beautiful granddaughter, who was born last night. It is lovely to meet her but so devastating that her grandad will never know her. Keep as strong as you can

Hello Toria
Oh my goodness our stories are so similar.
I’m so sorry for your loss and happy for your new granddaughter.
I feel exactly the same my home is full of baby clothes Margaret had bought for our first granddaughter who is due any minute.I am also devastated she won’t meet her.
You take care.
William

Hi I too am new to this site, I lost my husband 5 weeks ago. We were married for 29 years and I feel as though I have lost my soul. Sometimes I feel numb and other times from out of nowhere his incredible pain arrives and all I can do is cry. I can’t believe that I will never see him again. I understand your suffering and can only wish you well

Hi Denise
Apologies for not responding sooner. The last 2 weeks have been so hard in many ways. It is nearly 10 weeks now since I lost my husband and I am still missing him so much. Everyone says the grief gets less intense as the time goes by but at the moment most of us on this site can’t see that far ahead or imagine that time.
I hope you have the support of family and friends to help you get through each day.
Take care and thinking of you.

I do have family and friends helping me and although I appreciate this very much they can’t give me the one thing that I want. I just try to get through one day at a time as I too can’t see any further. Though I have signed up for a quilting course and an IT course to make myself leave the house for a purpose. I know that I will find it too easy to stay at home where all of my husbands things are and I feel a little closer to him; so I know I have the potential to become very isolated. I try to go out everyday everyday even just to the shop but then I can’t wait to get home.

Denise

Hi Denise
You are right, the gap left by a loving husband or wife can never be filled. Everyone has to go through bereavement at some time or other but no-one can prepare you for the utter desolation, despair and loneliness when a long term partner who is your friend and soul mate is no longer there. 10 weeks tomorrow for me. Everything I do now is lonely because we were always together. I pride myself on being a young and active 67 year old but now I just want to be alone and to be honest the grief has been worse in last 2 weeks than before. Reality has hit me. He is not coming back no matter how much I plead and cry and beg him to. His smiling face in a picture next to the bed is looking at me but not answering. I miss my old life like others have said. My old life has gone and I don’t know if I want a new one. Each day I am keeping so busy and staying out as much as I can in the garden or walking our dog. The home we bought 4 years ago as our retirement ideal property is full of unfulfilled dreams.
I was lucky to share my life with a good man for 46 nearly 47 years but feel cheated as I thought we had a few good years ahead but it was cut short.
I hope you have a better day today. It is good to open up on this site and others understand. If you feel isolated at any time, day or night, get in touch. I have had a lot of help from here.
Eileen

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