Recently lost my mother - I'm not grieving

Good morning. I am 29 years old and my beautiful mother is 53 years old and unexpectedly passed on the 11th January after a short illness.

My mum was diagnosed 10 years ago with an autoimmune disease. This disease mainly caused problems with her lungs, resulting in her using oxygen around the clock for the last 7 or so years. Although she had to use oxygen, she lived alone and managed the best she could. At the time of diagnosis she was given 3-5 years to live.

Due to her medication her immune system is surpressed. Over the years she has become sick on numerous occasions where she will be physically sick, yet this always passes after a few days. She has never been admitted to hospital and was fiercely independent.

She far surpassed the 3-5 years and has been doing very well recently. She appeared very well over the Christmas period and we had a really nice time with family.

Over the years I have taken my mum out frequently, taking her out on her mobility scooter on holidays around the UK, to the seaside, garden centres etc. and I got so much joy being able to bring this joy to her life.

On or around the 6th January my mum again became sick. Not thinking this was any different no big deal was made out of it. She told family she was ill and didn’t want family to attend as she didn’t want to pass on whatever bug she had, only this time it would be different.

On the 11th January, after noticing she hadn’t replied to my messages I sent in the early hours, my brother went to check on her. While she was awake and talking when he got there, she quickly declined and unfortunately passed away. I arrived while ambulance were still working on her.

The night of her death and for the next 4 days or so afterwards my emotions were all over the place. I was upset, crying, sad, angry, frustrated to name a few.

Since the 4th day, I have begun to feel as what I can only describe as numb. Flat. I have been spending everyday at my mums house with my brother clearing the property. At first I would be very low during the evening after leaving, but I am now at the point where I feel like I’m not feeling anything.

I come home to my house and I continue watching TV series with my girlfriend, playing on the PlayStation with my friends. It feels in my head like my mum isn’t really gone. I look at photos of her and I begin to feel the swell of sadness but then it’s as if it hits a brick wall and my brain just will not let it through.

Since my mums diagnosis I have had months where I will wake in floods of tears dreading the day she died. I would ring her or message her on waking letting her know how much I love her, yet now she has actually died, I don’t understand why I can’t seem to understand that she has actually passed away. It makes me feel guilty, the thought of her looking down on me thinking I don’t care about her.

I know griefs a personal experience, but I love my mum so much and don’t know whether it’s just my brain trying to protect me. I’m expecting it to hit me down the line. I don’t really know what I am asking, I am just so confused why I feel this way

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Hello @DanJames

I can see that you’re new to the community, so I wanted to say that I am so sorry for the loss of your Mum that brings you here.

I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that may help you right now.

Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.

Take care,

Alex

Such a sad story my heart goes out to you and your family All normal reactions id say…its such a huge grief losing mum…one can only take it in bit by bit…i feel for you i really do because when the numbness fades reality takes hold and the pain sears…keep strong keep talking dont worry if u cant feel what you think you should be feeling…theres no timescale for grief and no particular way the process unravels…your journey will be your own and how you overcome bereavement is dependent on who you are and how you are able to deal with this…they say there are stages to grief and i agree from my experience this is true and i also assure you after the first wave of grief comes numbness…its severe shock as one can only take so much in at first but the rest will follow as your heart and body strive to comes to terms with and survive this trauma…losing mum is the hardest thing god bless you and i pray for your strength too…remember there are many here who will comfort you whenever you need help… you are not suffering alone in this space …

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