Reconnection

Losing a partner
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Hi you lovely people. I see some who haven’t posted on here for a while have done so more recently and with that in mind I thought I’d reconnect with you all too :slight_smile:

Yesterday marked six months since my amazing hubby went on to something much better than our world. Free from drama and suffering and pain and hurt and, everything else negative that we experience on this planet. That’s my hope and belief anyway! That said, he did love life so very much in every aspect and I don’t believe he would ever have left through choice and that’s why I know with every part of my being that it’s his physical presence only that left. In every other sense he didn’t go anywhere.

Of course I miss him every minute of the day and like so many others I would give all I have for us to have back what we had before this nightmare began. Again, like so many others realise, that’s not the way it goes though, unfortunately.

I read the posts on this site and I too feel the hurt and heartache of everyone unfortunate enough to have to write them and yes, often it becomes too much to read of the sadness of so many even though I very much realise all of this is the reality of this life.

I’m sure I will always come back to this forum though simply because I remember so very well the first post I wrote just a few days after my husband died. More importantly I remember so well the love, friendship and genuine empathy I received from those of you who responded to my complete desperation. For that reason alone I am inclined to read and respond to others posts when possible, in the hope that I too can offer something, anything, that may ease the sadness, if only for a second.

I continue, as we all do, on a daily, sometimes hourly basis trying my best to do all the things I did before and all the things I didn’t do before in my husbands name. I continue to try my best to make my man proud of my existence and achievements, no matter how small and, I continue to try to live life for both of us.

I struggle exactly the same as others do, I wish with all my might I didn’t have to do any of this without him but then I remember I’m doing none of it without him. He’s right here.

I also wanted to say that like many others I also find the most comfort and peace and overwhelming love and presence of my man right here in our home, so much so that I’ve gone from initially hating walking into an empty home to getting excited as I return whenever I’ve been out.

Yes, my life and me are changed forever but my God do I continue to love and feel the presence of my man…Oh yes I do. Very lucky me…:slight_smile:

Love to you all xxx

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Love your words and can so relate to all you say, so much so that it could be me writing my own feelings down.
I too had to have a break from the forum but I hope to be able to come back and help others as I was supported
My lovely husband is always with me. I don’t go anywhere that he isn’t present in my thoughts. Perhaps more so now than before. My tears still fall freely, they never seem to stop.
Like you I sometimes long to be in my home where I can feel safe and comfortable. I was always an outdoors person and Brian would often say ‘Why do you have to be doing something all the time, can’t you keep still’. and ‘Your such hard work to be with sometimes’. He liked to relax and I was always on the go. Perhaps he has something to do with the changing me. I never feel the house is empty and can remember how we used to shut the world out and just be together. Especially on a winters night.
Sometimes I wonder if I would be hurting so much now if I hadn’t gone out that Friday night over thirty years ago and met up with my Brian. I watched him walk in and cross the room and thought ‘He’s a bit of alright’, he was dressed in Jeans and a black shirt, and then remembered I had just broke up with someone and certainly didn’t want another relationship, neither did he. Nine months later we was married.!!! It was third marriage for both of us and we joked that we had got it right, third time lucky.

A friend gave me a poem which I read often: It seems to say it all.

“His journey just begun”

Don’t think of him as gone away, his journey’s just begun,
Life holds so many facets this earth is only one.
Just think of him as resting, from the sorrows and the tears
in a place of warmth and comfort, where there are no days or years.
Think how he must be wishing that we could know today,
how nothing but our sadness can really pass away.
And think of him as living, in the hearts of those he touched
for nothing loved is ever lost, and he was loved so much.

Great to hear from you

Love Pat xxxx

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Hi Pat, so nice to hear from you too. What a beautiful poem. Absolutely beautiful:). I know I can’t say anything to you to make life a easier for you but know this, I think of you lots and send you love and a hug xxx

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Thankyou so much for your kind words. Hard isn’t it, we can’t say much to any of us to ease this terrible pain. We cope each day and walk through life in a sort of dream. I still do all the things that Brian and I enjoyed doing. I walk, I work our allotments most days, I mix with the same people but it’s all so unreal. I thought that life was becoming a bit easier, that I was learning to accept then I went downhill again. Hence a break from the forum. How it frustrates me. She told me that all my emotions were quite normal, they don’t feel very normal to me though.
Take care Pat xxx

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Your post cheered me up and made me cry at the same time. It’s four months today since I lost my partner and soulmate Rhonda.
I spent the best 21 years of my life with her, she was only 61 when she passed and spent 30 of those years caring for the sick as a nurse. I ask why her and not me, she was the better person. Even that thought is selfish though because it would be her feeling the way I am right now.
It was the second time round for both of us but it was like we had a connection and had known each other our entire lives.
Like you I have to believe God wanted her as a heavenly angel rather than an Earthly one. I believe part of her lives on in me, she made me a better person.
We lived together in the USA for 21 years and I’m now back in the UK looking for work. I came to this site because I’d hit a brick wall trying to apply for a job with the NHS, I felt like banging my head against one of the same.
Thank you for posting, I know we all feel so alone and it’s good to know we aren’t.

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Yes, I do all the things we did together and the things I did on my own too. Plus the stuff hubby did too as much as I can anyway. I haven’t changed any area of my life. I carry on just as we always did. I’m not reinventing myself or my life. I don’t see a need. No interest whatsoever in socialising with people just for the sake of it. Finding hobbies etc etc. My life was good before all this so I carry on regardless doing the same stuff. I desperately miss him but that wouldn’t change if I did new things. In fact I’m sure it would be worse because I’d be doing them for the sake of it. Acting like I’m a widow. I’m not. I’m married. My husband did a disappearing act but that doesn’t mean I don’t know where he is. He’s right here in my heart, soul and mind. Probably more than he’s ever been before. Consistently at least. We can do this Pat. We’re doing it already in some shape or form but you’re right, it is unreal. It always will be, I’m sure of that. Rather it be me than him though. I wouldn’t wish this on an enemy never mind the one I love!

Love to you x

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Hi Carl. I don’t do that counting thing as a rule. Some days I feel like it’s forever ago and other times like it was an hour ago. But, 31 July showing on the calendar yesterday told me it was exactly 6 months since 31 January. Days, weeks and months all blend into insignificance don’t they. Time doesn’t have any meaning really as far as missing our loved ones goes. Every day is difficult. Painful. Bloody hard work (and that’s swearing)!

I’m so sorry you are also going through this journey. So sad tray so many others are too. I write on here and to be honest I often feel like I’m writing for someone else. A surreal experience. I still can’t realise I’m in this situation and yet, I absolutely know that I am. Makes no sense does it. But I’m not bothered anymore. I accept the likelihood is I’ve lost the plot :slight_smile:

I hope you can settle in the uk again and also that you find some work suitable to you. I work in a children’s home. We always need staff one way or the other. You’re not in Lancashire by any chance are you :))

Take care x

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Rest assured you haven’t lost the plot, it just feels that way sometimes. I don’t count the days either, I knew the date but was having a pretty good day until this evening when I ran into a problem trying to complete a form online on a smartphone. The things drive me round the bend. I sat outside the house crying for an hour or so.
I’m staying at my elderly parents house with them and my brother. I literally had nowhere to go when I left the US.
Even in a house with three other people I’m still alone, only those of us who have been through losing the person we love more than anything in the world truly appreciate the hurt we feel. Other people just don’t know what to say. That’s why we come here to read posts from others who do understand. So you are correct, we are writing for someone else, we’re doing it for everyone who comes here to be comforted by knowing we aren’t alone in our grief.
I’m in the south in Kent, and not really a children kind of person, that kind of work takes someone special and definitely proves you aren’t losing the plot.
Take care now and thanks once again for making my night more bearable.

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Hi CW13
Nice to hear how you are doing and that you’ve still got that positive mindset.
I clearly remember your first posts and thinking that you would work some things out sooner rather than later. I was just at six months then, and now I’m just a few days short of reaching one year.
One thing I feel I’ve learned over the year is that grief isn’t just one big amorphous mass but rather lots of different things that impact on each other. Consequently we get better at dealing with some things and we move forward faster in relation to some aspects. I think that some parts of it will remain with us for ever, and I’m probably determined that they will do.
I still feel that sense of connectedness with the forum despite not posting often. Sometimes I feel so far removed from the reality of the newly bereaved that I couldn’t think of anything to say and maybe that’s just a case of existing in a different world now.
I’m now becoming excited by cleaning and gardening, and even thought I might invest in kneeler. x

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Wow, yorkshire lad, cleaning, gardening, a kneeler, I feel positive there’s hope for us all now. So pleased your still in contact, always cheered me up.
For a while I also felt I couldn’t connect with the tragedy of some peoples loss and then found myself going backwards.

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Hi Patti.
I’m not saying it translates into action :))
When the excitement comes on I’ve found it best to have a lie down with a cold flannel on my fevered brow.
I’ve been doing a lot of walking recently with a couple of friends. They favour tough walks. Yesterday we did two crossings, from valley bottom level, of Old Cote Moor which rises to almost 2000 ft. I’m resting today, or recovering more like.
It’s not difficult to go backwards is it. I’ve done it and never completely sure why. No rational explanation. Presumably it will keep on happening but hopefully less frequently.

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Hi YL good to hear from you. So pleased the walking continues, you clearly get so much pleasure from this pastime :slight_smile: It’s good that you have friends to share it with too!

Save your money when it comes to splashing out on a kneeler though, being from Yorkshire I’m sure you will like that suggestion. Think how many bars of fruit & nut you could purchase instead :)) You can borrow my kneeler, I won’t expect a call taking me up on that offer any time soon though. The wet flannel sounds much more of a prospect for you than any gardening ventures!!!

I got myself a Gardner. Couldn’t find the time or the inclination to exert myself in this regard after my initial attempts. My hubby kept the garden beautiful always and it saddened me to see it in a less than impeccable state SO, a Gardner it was. Now everyone is happy, me for keeping up the standards already set, the Gardner because it’s an additional income and my hubby too, if he’s watching…

Some of these lone decisions are easier to make than others aren’t they. Gardner’s and wet flannels are the easier kind :wink: x

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I’m not sure if it’s all the walking or my mediocre diet of ready meals but I’m losing weight, nearly three stones in a year or so. That’s despite Magnums, Fruit and nut, and chocolate digestives. I don’t really need a kneeler now as I can bend down with great ease, although I don’t as I’ve no wish to revisit historic back problems. There’s always a well thought out reason behind any plan of avoidance.
I’m grateful that I can walk the sort of distances I do as it’s been a long road back from 18 months ago when I could only walk a few hundred yards. I’m not sure what I would do with my life if I had to give up. I do know what I wouldn’t be doing with it.
It’s very kind of you to offer loan of your kneeler. When can you deliver it :))
I’d buy you a coffee at Wetherspoons as a thank you, maybe even Betty’s. I can feel a wet flannel moment coming on. x

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Now this is the chitter chatter I enjoy… It’s good to hear from you all again. Xx

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I’ve got some days off in a couple of weeks if that fits in with you being around and not off on another of your camper van jaunts, I’ll come over. I’m already thinking a new flannel would be more utilised than my kneeler though so I guess I’ll bring one of those instead!

I’ll message you. Wetherspoons is good. Betty’s is for the tourists and I’m not one. I can hear your sigh of relief from here :)x

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I know better places than either Wetherspoons or Betty’s. I’ve just cancelled all my planned trips in anticipation. Don’t forget the butter pie :))
I never did work out how someone could think of locating a tearooms in Yorkshire where it was necessary to queue for ages before being charged twice as much as anywhere else. Just shows what I know.
You can hear my sigh of anticipation, not relief :))
Butter pie! Yummy. x

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Well I like Betty’s - but then I would be a tourist! :slight_smile:
What on earth is a Butter Pie?

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Hi Kate, butter pie is basically potatoes, onion and butter in pastry (pie). Absolutely delicious. Full of cholesterol I would imagine but who’s bothered :slight_smile: It’s an age old Lancashire pie that was sometimes called ‘catholic pie’ because it was often eaten on Fridays when the catholic church tradition was to refrain from eating meat on that day! It was established in the Preston area which is where I live. My grandma often made it and funnily enough it was often on a Friday :slight_smile: xx

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Jeez, you’re very demanding. Kneeler, flannel, butter pie…:))) x

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I thought you lived in Yorkshire CW??? Thanks for your explanation, butter pie sounds delicious and a good veggie dish. I had visions of a slab of butter with a pastry topping…xx