Rejection of obligation and commitments

So this is the first year without, without sharing too much, my “main” parent who was the one who did everything for us as kids, was always a big part of our life and, whilst i never aspired to be like them (different personalities), always, i guess, hoped (and received) their approval of what i did.

This comes after a long illness and when some other very close members of the family passed.

The upshot being that there is nobody on earth i now feel i need to seek the approval of - if we’re psychoanalysing!

What this means is, i’m looking at the world very differently and, feel that the expectations others place in me, are not valid

For example, my other parent and family members who were never there for me have expectations where i will “help” or “intervene” - essentially seeking out a replacement for the parent we lost. But that’s not who i am, where i see things or tolerable for me.

Work is an obligation because “finances”, not because i care about or believe in what i do - done it for long enough to know it makes no material difference in the world yet still get run into the ground to complete things that, as i say, are ultimately, pointless.

If i’m honest, i just want to walk away from every person and “obligation” i have and start afresh, without the expectations, wants and “needs” of others dominating my existence.

As we approach the New Year, its not about resolutions but a view which has been forming for quite some time. Yes, the grass is always greener but it would be a damned sight greener if i could just live the life i want to without regard for the requirements of others who just will not let me be.

Wonder if this is common when the “final” death that matters has happened, is this freeing? No longer feeling compelled to obtain their approval? Do our priorities change and we head down a new path in a new world for us?

TLDR: Don’t like my job or the sector, am fed up of people thinking they can just contact me whenever they like and i’ll do “x,y,z” for them. I never contact others asking for stuff and would expect out of courtesy people recognise that and mirror that relationship (but they don’t). All i get from people is misery and tasks.

I know what i see my life like - but i question whether i’m still depressed (yes) over the last few years events, whether i can trust my judgement (which has not changed at all over the last 12 months), whether staying in situ is making me more miserable or what.

Have never been “selfish” and always helped others but i just think i’ve ran out of steam with it and people - in spite of being told, don’t care but still expect me to run around after them.

Totally see why people just walk out of their lives and go and do something else.

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Hello @EGLL ,

I can see that you’re new to the community, so I wanted to say that I am so sorry for the loss of your ‘main’ parent that brings you here. Grief can be so overwhelming and make us question all aspects of our lives.

I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that may help right now.

Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.

Take care,

Alex

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I lost a parent who I was always trying my best to please and get approval from back in October. I’m finding it depressing having no one to do this for anymore. It should be freeing I guess, but instead I am feeling “what’s the point in anything if no one cares”. I miss them so much.

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Hi Alex,

Thanks for the comments and the links, it is appreciated and may take up some of those facilities as time goes on. Course, new year doesn’t really help but there has to be a way through this!

Hi Spursgirl,

So sorry for your loss, i definitely understand that but i can assure you, which may seem odd given my context, but people definitely care.

I wonder if, for you, you might be able to move towards needing only your own approval and knowing that your ability to judge your own actions comes from your parent - from genetics and from knowing them and learning from them over their lifetime?

Loss and grief are terrible things but i hope you see a way through. Appreciate your thoughts and comments on here. Just remember that even though grief is something we all experience slightly differently, others know how you feel and are there to talk whenever it helps - and do talk about it - has to help, right?

Take care!