Relief and grief - missing dad 6 months on

I lost my dad earlier this year after a long battle with cancer. Living on his own I was his main carer. It sounds awful but at the time I felt a sort of relief. I adored my dad but caring for him had really taken its toll on me and my family. He coped, at least outwardly, amazingly with it for years but it was still always there and even when he was in a ‘good’ phase I was always worrying about him being lonely and scared. Then after the final diagnosis that things were progressing my care for him ramped up. Don’t get me wrong, I’d have done anything for him and would do it, and more, again in a heartbeat but selfishly I wanted to be able to live my own life so I guess when the final battle was over I did feel a sense of relief that I didn’t have to worry any more. Immediately afterwards I focused on all the arrangements that needed to be made and this got me through. But now, months on, I feel like if I let myself focus on it for too long grief is just going to swallow me up. Everyone around me probably sees me getting on with life and thinks I’m ok but I’m so not. I miss him so much, I’m angry that this horrible disease targeted him when his life had been far from easy anyway, I feel cheated out of my children having a grandfather, although we had time to say what we wanted to I feel like the end came very suddenly and that I didn’t get to properly talk to him as I suppose I thought I would as the end approached. I just don’t know how to go through the rest of my life without being able to resolve these feelings… Does anyone else feel like this?

It sounds like you had a good relationship with your dad and a lot of love for one another. Hang on to that it helps carry you through life.
I lost my dad six years ago and still miss him everyday. I also loss my sis in law to cancer this summer. As a family we help each other if only to say can I have a chat or a hug. Talking helps I find. Especially if you can remember the funny bits. I know my dad and sis in law only wanted us all to be happy.
I hope you can talk about your feelings to someone. It matters.
Take care you will get through the present feelings.

I lost my dad 6 months ago he died suddenly and unexpectedly and I didn’t get to see him before he died, it’s so hard to carry on as normal while the world moves on you feel like you want the world to feel your pain I can’t say if it will get easier I think we just learn to live with the loss I’ve started counselling which is helping me open up x

My dad also died very suddenly. I live quite a way from him and mum and down here I feel as though it almost has not happened. Then I remember it did. Very sad x