Hey Pops. Flike? Foo’s yer do’s? Wish I could reply with ‘aye pick in’ but things are getting worse as time goes on. I’m no longer coping anymore, I’m so angry, I’m so pissed off and I’m so heartbroken I can’t talk to you about any of it. ‘Ah toots’. What I would give to hear you people are so self righteous, just have to put their two pence in. I can’t be done with it anymore. There’s so much uncertainty in life and now there’s even more if that’s possible. I might not even have a job to go back to after all this. Davie has lost his livelihood of the taxi. I haven’t seen grandma in 3 weeks now cause of this virus, it’s just not worth the risk. I haven’t heard from people, despite everyone just being at home. You can’t even use the ‘busy’ excuse anymore, why it’s so frustrating. I think people just forget about you. Maybe I’m being selfish, but what’s wrong with wanting some reassurance and comfort from family? I feel it’s the least they could do. Really feel like giving up. My mental health is the worst it’s ever been, and I’ve been so suicidal when I was a teen. I know you don’t know anything about that but like you, I never wanted to worry you. I guess I was also scared of being accused as an ‘attention seeker’ and back then, mental health wasn’t as important. I just feel like crying all the time and there is nothing to distract me from the sheer pain I feel. It doesn’t help that I’m still not sleeping well and I know things are x100 when I’m tired.
Just wish you could sing me to sleep with our lullaby. Might try some Simply Red tonight, it worked when I was a baby…
Missing you more than ever. Loving you more than ever too. Xox
please try to stay strong,i know from reading your posts that going be very difficult after losing your dad,who was everything to you,but please just at least try.there are lots of people who would help if you give us a chance.
Hey Pops, I miss you I miss you I miss you. I miss you so much sometimes it feels like I’m going crazy. I appreciated you so much but now I convince myself I never appreciated you enough. I’m having so much thoughts come up since being locked in the house. I still hear your voice in my head all the time. All the funny noises you used to make, the funny names you had for things, the way you used to explain everything and always end it with a ‘thats ah it is, darling’. So self assured.
I keep thinking what you’d make of all this Coronavirus. You’d be worried for yourself and Grandma and Colleen, definitely. I’m so gutted I can’t see Grandma just now, it’s giving me serious anxiety that I might get another dreaded call from the hospital and none of us would have seen her for ages due to the virus restrictions. I’m so glad you managed to get the best service, the one you truly deserved. I do feel so proud of what I organised, what I somehow managed to pull off despite not sleeping and crying all day everyday. I’ll never forget the last time we seen you with the family. Your hair had been washed, you’d been given a bath, it was just all wrong. That wasn’t you! But I’m glad I had a ponytail in that day, and I took mine out and gave you one instead. We all broke down after that, saying it was more you. I could feel you there with us that day. It’s weird how you can feel these things but you and I were always so connected.
I received a beautiful parcel from your friend Yvonne yesterday, a mug with a bumblebee like your necklace with ‘don’t worry be happy’. Exactly what you’d be telling me right now. Your friends are truly wonderful, I know you’d be so happy at how much they’ve looked out for me. ‘Chill Winston’. ‘Because IM the Daddy!’ ‘He’s eating her FACE!’ Still get phrases popping up in my head all the time that you used to say. I still can’t believe you’re not here anymore sometimes. It’s fucking awful. There’s literally so much I want to ask you, so much everyday life that reminds me of you yet I bet when I see you again, all I’ll be able to do is give you the biggest hug ever and not let go.
I’ll probably be posting more regularly due to being at home, it feels good writing down thoughts and memories and reading back. Miss you always, love you always. Your loving daughter, Stephanie. Xox
Hey Dad, I love how much photos we have together. Literally a timeline of my whole wonderful life with you by my side. I literally miss you more everyday and I sit amazed every night at how much love I have for you. With all the time off, and the lockdown I’ve had so much time to think. I still can’t get over the shock of everything. I know there’s no really one awful way, but there’s something worse about sudden deaths. It just catches you, a piece of me died with you that Sunday, 22 weeks ago this coming Sunday. I’ve never felt a state of numbness like that before, the actual physical ache in my chest from my broken heart, hearing you getting carried out the bathroom while we sat in the living room. It was horrifying. I can’t believe I didn’t throw up everywhere I was just like a ghost. I had a really bad night last night, I think I passed out just before 6am. One of your songs came on randomly on Spotify, when I wasn’t even listening to your playlist and it just sent me into deep sorrow. I cried for hours. I miss you I miss you I miss you. Saying once just isn’t enough. It needs emphasised, there’s a big hole in my heart where you were. I keep messaging people I know/ members of my family asking if they have enough supplies, as it’s something I did all the time for you. As hospitals are staff only zones at the moment and I’ve been feeling guilty about not seeing grandma, I managed to message an old school friend who works there, and she delivered some flowers and shortbread from us. Hopefully that’ll give her a little smile, I’m gonna call her tomorrow.
It’s funny, after my last post about singing your friends praises I’ve had such a negative experience with one today. One who gave me a bit of a hard time about being ‘the last to know’. Despite me trying to call with no answer, despite me putting it all over social media, despite pubs sharing the news among the old crew, despite me putting it in the paper… twice. The announcement and then the details of the service. Now he’s messaging asking for something, without so much of an ask of how I’m doing AND THEN has the cheek to ask me if I know Pauline and her ‘sad news’. The hell? Haven’t seen that woman since I was like 12, I know Dad hadn’t seen her for years and she honestly acted like it was her husband. Her son harassing me with messages on Facebook demanding I call her. This same friend telling me how ‘devastated’ she is. Are people even real?! HE WAS MY DAD!! I devoted all my life to him but especially the last few years with his illness. More crappy distractions when all I wanna do is think of all our memories. The countless camping trips. The countless days listening to your stories. The countless bosies. The countless drives on the bike. Just being yourself around me, never ever putting on a front. Always were the most genuine and down to earth person. I miss you so much Dad I can’t stop saying it. I can’t believe it’s been so long since I’ve seen you. Your gloves and clothes still smell like you. I can never just go to sleep like normal anymore. It’s like I need to wait to the point of total physical exhaustion and because we’re sitting in the flat all day, I can sit up really late… or early, depending on how you wanna look at it. If I even try, I just lie and stare at the ceiling visualising your face. The tears just pour and it hurts too much to cry myself to sleep anymore. I literally wake up and my eyes are bright red.
Let’s try watching Jungle Book tonight Pops, wish you could sing me the lullaby.
Love you x
Hey pops, it’s hard to choose a favourite photo of us but this is definitely a contender. Look at the love pouring out of us, cheesy big grins and the way you’re looking at me brings the tears. Finally going to get the original fixed after it fell in the fire. I had a memory come to me that I really wanted to post. I don’t remember you ever being the Dad that hogged the remote - I remember you watching the odd thing but you always handed it back to me. You gave me so much freedom and control, despite you always reminding me that ‘IM the daddy’! I remember when I started going in town to hang out with friends. If you’d had a beer, you’d give me money for a taxi. If you didn’t have enough, you’d give me bus fares and tell me to call you 5 mins away so you could walk and meet me at the bus stop. I remember one occasion where you’d gave me a lift into town on the bike, you always dropped me off across from the Academy centre next to the statue. We got off the bike, I took my helmet and handed it to you. You reached into your pocket and pulled out a £20, and a £5 note. You said it was all the money you had left for the week… then you put the £20 in my pocket. ‘What kind of Dad would I be if I canna provide for my girl?’ I don’t lie or exaggerate when I say you were the best there was. Selfless, loved me to the bones. I couldn’t have asked for a better Dad, you taught me everything I ever needed in life and I’ll forever be grateful to you. Even now, all the saving up you did over the years of your disability money. Seeing what you lived off of to give me a better future. The countless times I asked you to give me your card so I could decorate, buy you a sofa bed, new carpets etc but you always said you were fine the way you were. The most unmaterialistic person I’ve ever met, all you needed was your girls and your bike. I miss you Dad, I miss you more and more everyday. Every hour, minute, second I’m thinking of you and our beautiful memories.
Love you x
thats a lovely picture and beautiful heartfelt words.
that would be a great picture to have tattooed on your body,
or blown up and framed .just hope this pandemic ends good for us all.
Hi Ian, thank you, it’s all the complete truth and from the heart. That’s a fantastic idea - I can see me starting a sleeve after my first tattoo going so well, my whole left arm dedicated to my Dad.
Hope you’re keeping safe. Kind regards.
hi Watt92 your very welcome.
sounds like a plan,to get a sleave dedicated to you Dad.ive got 3 tattoos dedicated to Jayne,thinking if im still alive after this pandemic is over.will get another but thinking of words,my feelings about Jayne,or an exact copy of words in Jaynes hand writing that she put on the cards sent to me over the years.
im ok if being in tears most days and missing my baby Jayne like crazy every second of every minute of every hour etc think you get the picture.
but I muddle on and its hard to find words to try comfort other people when im always feeling like this.not looking for sympathy just being honest about how I real feel all the time.ive decided to stay in ,im ordering shopping online and waiting till its declared safe to do so.not that im worried about catching this virus,but im worried if im one of those with the virus whose got it but not showing symptoms dont want be responsible for giving others this thing.thats why the powers that be need to find a way to get every one tested see if they’ve had it or got it.oh well sorry for droning on,im going back on youtube to listen to more music.
take care and try stay safe.
Hey Dad, I loveeee this photo! Two of my favourite men has joined Valhalla and I’ve been feeling more and more alone. Last night was a really bad night again. I think I sobbed for hours on my own. Usually when everyone’s in bed, and I can’t stop my busy head it all comes pouring out. I just wish I could still talk to you. You sent me songs on YouTube last night, I was on my own playlist yet after speaking to you out loud you sent Rolling Stones - Miss You. I can bet anything that I miss you more. I miss going to your house, doing our special knock and waiting for the noise of the front room opening, knowing you were just away to open the door. I remember growing up, you used to open the handle with your knee… I remember how proud you were when I finally reached the right height to do it just like you. I always idolised you, even in the smallest things. I wanted to do them just like you, the Daddy way, the right way. I just keep picturing you in my head, hearing your voice and wondering what you’d be telling me just now. I wish I could drive your bike, I feel the closest to you there. Or on the sofa which is where I’ve been sleeping the last few nights. No one asks about me anymore. 5 months and I guess I should be back to normal? I think grieving in this period is the worst thing to happen to us. All the possibilities are gone, all the distractions gone, we’re all just stuck in this frozen period of grief. And boy, let me tell you, the grief is so raw and unbearable at times. The missing you, the what ifs, the what could’ve been, the possibilities, the conversations, the songs, the memories, the good times and the bad ones. No wonder I’m left with such a mixture of emotions. I can be crying my heart out but hear you in my ear saying something funny or silly and make myself smile again. Sometimes I don’t want to smile, or laugh or feel happy. Sometimes I just want to pour my heart out to the ceiling, telling you everything that’s been going on, how I’ve been feeling and coping, asking you if you’ve got plenty food, a full jar, a special treat. I would’ve done anything for you Pa. If donating a lung would’ve helped you, I’d have done it without even thinking. Part of me kicks myself for not seeing it I could’ve offered more, anything to have kept you around longer.
I’m so sad and I’m so tired of being sad. Not living but existing day to day. Crying when I do small things like put the kettle on, hearing you in my ear ‘fancy making me a cuppa tea?’ I think I would kill to hear you again. One last bosie. One last conversation. One last song. One last program. One last visit. One last cuppa. Just one more something with you, I’d cherish it always. I wish I dreamed of you, or if I did at least remember it.
How do I keep talking about you without everyone going awkward? How do I keep your spirit living if there’s only one person I can really talk to about any of it? It’s not even talking really, I just say the same things over and over but she listens. Just I miss my Dad I miss my Dad I miss my Dad. I know one things for sure after all this, I am going to be driven crazy with missing you and going round and round in circles.
That’s all for now. Guess what?? I miss you I miss you I miss you, and I love you I love you I love you. Just like The Beatles. All my love always Pa. x
Hey Dad, this photo is sore. It was the one chosen for your service card and it physically hurts looking at it and reminding myself what it now represents. It wasn’t a day I was present so it’s fairly impossible thinking of it in a different way. I still can’t stop wanting to watch our programs, movies, eat your favourite foods and I drink tea just as much as you did now. I really feel myself transforming into you! More so with the lockdown - HOW on earth did you stay sane in the house all the time? You’re such an inspiration Dad honestly you are amazing. ARE! Still continue to be. I’m starting to struggle again. I really do feel I go up and down like waves. One day can be almost easy, I keep busy and do things all day to keep me distracted. But then I get days like today where I’ve only had a few hours rest from crying, I get up and don’t want to leave bed. Just mope around which I think you’d be growling at me for, but it’s hard when you live with two other people. I can only keep my happy mask on for so long before I need some alone time to release it. I used to be quite good at keeping on the mask whenever I needed it and for however long too. But since losing you, it’s fades quick. I’m just desperate to have someone to blather with about you. I was looking forward to meeting up with apprentice Paul and laughing about you but that’s not gonna happen for a long time. It’s funny, I still use your words and nicknames for people. Like ‘Dod fae Ellon’ or ‘Squibs’ or ‘Sensible’. Sometimes I think about what it would’ve been like to have been your friend back in the day and I’m not just saying this but we would’ve been best friends. You were such a ladies man that you’d chat me up I bet LOL! We really are so alike and as I get older I’m honestly starting to look more like you by the day. I miss you Pops, just wanna hear you say ‘I’ve got your back Jack’ or ‘up here for thinking, down there for dancing’ or even to hear your growl! ‘STEPHANIE:triumph:’! I miss it all so so much. I’m sick of hurting. I honestly can’t wait till I see you again, no matter how soon or far away. Please know I will always love you so much and that I miss you more everyday. Still can’t believe my worst nightmare has came true but I know you’ll stay with me forever. I love you Pops xx
Hello my Pops, fit like? I hate how much things are feeling like distant memories already! I remember this was just after we lost Granda, you can see how much weight everyone lost especially Grandma! I still adore this photo though. It was always us side by side at family events. I dread to think of the first one without you.
I’ve had a weird week, I’ve felt you near me a lot. Probably because I’ve been really off. I just don’t feel like myself but that’s because I don’t know who I am without you. And when I think about it, all I see in me now is you. How many cups of tea I drink, how much I love sitting in my garden now, how I’ve even started gardening with your supplies from the shed, the music, even what I’m eating! The only thing I can’t bring myself to have… is your chocolate shortbreads. Man, you fucking LOVED those things!! For at least the last 3 years they have been your obsession, I wasn’t allowed in the door without a bag. Tesco’s triple chocolate shortbread, HAD to be Tesco’s ones cause ‘they were the best’. God I miss hearing you live. I miss your stories, the way you explained things, how expressive you were. I really really wish I could go round and sit in your house and just be there for a while. But then it’s not your house anymore because you’re not in it. I really have never felt pain like this in my whole life and trust me: I know pain. The loss of a parent is something that I never anticipated, my only focus was just taking care of you, making sure I seen you plenty every week. You know the only reason I wasn’t over was if I was sick, or I was working or doing uni work. I just really enjoyed your company and I know you did mine because you told me every time! I miss the love I got from you, I really don’t/ will never have that again. I wish I had that same motherly love but it really did all come from you the last few years.
I’m struggling to write anymore for tears so that’s all for now. Love you always, miss you so so much. Xo
Hey Pops, I hope you’re keeping Muffin company today on what would’ve been his birthday. I’ve been thinking of Auntie Colleen leading up to today so went and tried to cheer her up a little and dropped off a bunch of flowers (chosen by you, I heard ya) and some of her favourite nibbles - making sure she’s eating something! Sorry but the fact that I’m still being thoughtful of others and idk just being a decent person makes me sad… I don’t get that from others yet it plagues me with how I am. I always feel a little annoyed with myself for being that way then forever being disappointed when I have no one to turn to. It breaks my heart more everyday that the one person I’ve always counted on isn’t there anymore. It’s not fair Dad. ‘Life’s nae fair darling’. I hear ya, Pops. Do people just forget that I’m still grieving? Do they just not think that if I seem down, it’s because my hearts breaking over missing my Dad? That he wouldn’t even need to be told what was wrong with me. He’d just know.
I finished the book Final Gifts finally, and it’s left me feeling a little comforted. For so long I hated myself for finding you alone, that I wasn’t there, that I didn’t just leave work like usual and come and check on you. I realise now that you weren’t really alone - I know Granda was waiting for you. Did you have any control over it? Did you know it was happening? Did you want to be on your own? Was there a reason bleach was all over the sink? So many questions that I’ll never have definitive answers for.
That’s all for today. Sorry it’s been a week, the days are really starting to merge into one.
Miss you, love you always xx
This letter to your dad is so touching, he will be watching over you and be by your side. I know that Stan is with me, I feel his presence every day.
I am not preaching but I do believe in the afterlife and I know that when someone is passing one of their loved ones comes for them and helps their transition. In Stan’s case it was his mother, in my brother’s case our dad helped him. my brother had no faith, yet when he came through, he admitted that I was right and that I am always right. I wouldn’t say that.
@MaryL Thank you, writing to my Dad is one thing that does really bring me some comfort. Like he is reading them somehow.
I think there has to be something else - I used to be of the opinion that when your time was up that was it. Now though… I’m not sure, I know I believe in something I just don’t know what. There’s been too much signs. Love never dies, that I believe. We carry on our loved ones through us, in our hearts. Just like Stan will forever be in yours.
no one would needs to ask how you feel about your Dad Steph,just have to read your beautiful heartfelt words .and lovely that your looking out for your aunty,hope you are finding ways to cope.take care and keep safe.
Dad, I had the worst day in a while yesterday. Yesterday marked 25 weeks since you left and I couldn’t control my emotions at all. The day started off okay with some breakfast and went slowly downhill after that. I ended up leaving the house in floods and went for an hours walk in the rain by myself. Passers by stared at me walking about in tears but I just ignored them - they don’t know why I’m crying, nor need to. I even ended up having a fight with Jamie because he doesn’t know how to handle it either. He just doesn’t know what to say but doesn’t ask me anything either… no one understands. I know I can’t expect much but surely I can expect some empathy and care? I don’t hear from family really. I don’t hear from any colleagues or much friends. I only have 3 people I can really count on. So many disappointments since losing you - so many times I’ve reached out to people and been let down. I messaged Mandy a week ago and I’m still waiting on a response. Extremely frustrating. When I got back from the walk I just sat in my room listening to Pink Floyd with you pouring my heart out. It never gets easier.
Funny, as I was writing this I got a phone call from my Aunt - first one in months but it was a nice hours chat.
I think I’m just really missing my best friend, the best listening ear in the world. You always made everything better for everyone in your life. I know I’m not the only one missing you, but I’m missing you the most.
Today’s been a slightly better day, here’s hoping this week won’t be awful and the sun will come back to Scotland. That’s all for now, forever missing and loving you. Xoxo
Hey Pops, have one of my favourite photos of us, one of the more recents when I was showing you all the filters! You were so amazed by how fast technology was growing and evolving - you were still excited about watching YouTube videos and I just love you so much for your simplicity. Beautiful reminders about what life is really about and how I just wish that you were still here to remind me. I think I’d be going crazy by now not being able to see you if that possibility was there. I mean, I think I’m going crazy now knowing I can’t just do our knock on the door and hear your living room door opening, awaiting you to answer. It really is the simple things.
Well this week Dad, you’d be amazed at the shifts I’ve been putting into the garden. The grass is cut, the weeds have been pulled and the hedges trimmed. I HAVE A TAN, Dad!! Me!! The biggest milk bottle going yet I’m rosy red/ glowy and I’m just covered in freckles, even on my fingers which I’ve never had before! I’ve really felt you with me a few times this week. I know you never leave me but there’s still some beautiful signs - like a little Robyn sitting right at my window looking me directly in the eye. Or the little feather that blew beside your stand in my room. The hairy witchy that landed perfectly on your Bob Seger display. I put your urn into the sun today so you weren’t missing out, I could hear you jealous of the heat in my ear. It’s so strange sitting on your chairs and cushions without you - being able to smell you but not physically see you really hurts my heart. It took a lot today not to cry when all I could smell was you.
I’ve finished another Elisabeth Kübler-Ross book on Grieving and it really is helping with my process. I’ve realised that I’m not only grieving for you, but I’m grieving for the old me before you left. The old life I had too with you still in it. No one around me understands and the loneliness of it all is so much to bare at times. I think my tears have finally run dry for now which I’m sure you’re glad of. I started watching the second season Afterlife the other day after loving the first season so much. It’s so different watching it when you have some personal experience now and I hit the floor when his father passed - that same call that can change your life forever. Making the call that changes others lives forever. Luckily Jamie was with me and he followed me under the covers and held me whilst I sobbed. I think he does understand up to a point but he just doesn’t know what to say or do because he understands there’s nothing that can make it better. I think that is the problem though, the ‘I don’t know what to do so I’ll just do nothing’. I know he cares about me big time but sometimes your brain convinces you the opposite. Just wish we could run away to the county for a few days and be in our own isolation.
I think you left knowing I was in good hands. I think you knew it was time soon and you could only have left if there was someone to catch me when I fell. Grateful I have him everyday, even though I can be ratty at times and he can be useless at other times. No one is perfect!
6 months has been and went, here’s hoping the next 6 won’t be so heartbreaking, although I have a feeling it’s just going to get worse.
Love you pops, missing you more everyday.
Hey Dad, I’m desperate to write to you today but the words are becoming a bit of a struggle. There’s been a couple of things come to mind that I really want to do yet I just haven’t? I really want to message your dick of a landlord and ask if I can go back to your place. You see, Stan got in touch to ask for the keys back before I had finished properly emptying and cleaning your place. It was also meant as a last fuck you to him considering how terrible he’d treated you as a landlord that in my mind I thought ‘you clean it up since you never bothered to sort the place when you were told’. You never even had hot water or central heating and he never implemented any changes despite being ordered by the court to do so. I was so mad. When I handed the keys back, he was so rude and disrespectful- I had to walk away reminding myself not to punch a pensioner! Now though, with all this time I have and just wanting to go round to yours - I wonder what he’d say if I asked him if I could empty and clean it now? The worst he could say was no, I suppose but I’m not sure. I also really want to call your doctor and just have a chat about your last visits. I know I couldn’t have changed it, I’m just curious I guess. The main answers I need is things we would’ve got from a Post Mortem - but that never happened.
The last thing I know I need to do is call Grandma. It’s not that I don’t want to talk to her - it’s fear. Auntie Colleen said on the phone how confused she’s getting and the last few calls they’d had, she was asking for Dad and why he hasn’t called her. I don’t feel strong enough to handle that conversation, and it’s why I’ve put it off for so long now. Why do things need to get harder at an already very hard time? I never catch a break. It’s exhausting.
Missing you more, loving you more. Xox
Hey Dad, you know I think I actually remember us graffitiing the shed and I remember when you painted and refused to paint over our drawings. You were quite the sentimental old fuddy duddy biker and I loved you for it.
I feel like this past week has been another rollercoaster. My emotions have been all over the place with mini crying fits at random points but I will say, I’m getting better at having out whatever emotion I need to, then getting on with it. I’ve been pretty brave I think. I called Grandma and it went exactly how I thought it would with the first thing she asked was ‘have you seen your Dad?’ then immediately corrected herself. I didn’t know what to say and hung up quite quick afterwards. Colleen’s prepared me for next time though, and I’ll say ‘he’s fishing with Granda’. She’s such a strong lady. I also text your landlord and just asked the question. I had to ask, I was literally having dreams about it and your place. I realised it’s because to me, it’s still your place. Yeah, I’d emptied the things I was keeping out, but it was still full of your things and the decor. I didn’t get a chance to make it not yours anymore, you’ll know what I mean. I think I just want any excuse to be closer to you. The next thing on the list is calling your Doctor, I just need to do these things for my own mental health really. It’s little bits of closure that I just need.
I’ve tried to keep myself distracted with new tv shows and movies to binge but I shit you not, they’ve all had a Father pass away in them and it absolutely rips my heart to pieces. I don’t think seeing things like that will ever get easier. The missing you just grows everyday. The hurt of everything. The dreams, nightmares, flashing images I get in my head constantly of memories, your final week and all the things I’d now do differently. I can hear you telling me to ‘gie it a rest quine’ but I can’t help it. The worst thing that could have ever happen to me has happened and the weight of it all gets heavier week by week. I think counselling might be an idea again but we shall see.
As always, missing you and loving you very very much.
Love, ‘your darling daughter’ as you always called me.