Remembering my husband

Does anyone else have problems remembering the sound of their loved ones voice, or recalling his laugh? My husband died after a year long battle with cancer, all I can remember is him in this context. For example, if I picture hi. Hugging me, it is immediately overwritten of him hugging me and telling me he was scared. A neighbour died 2 months later, and I can clearly remember his voice, his walk and smile. I am so desperate to remember and feel us.

I am in the fortunate position to have a couple of short videos on which Tim is talking, smiling and laughing. When I want to hear his voice i watch them. I am struggling to remember how he was before we found about his illness, I can only seem to focus on the 6 weeks between his diagnosis and him dying, I think probably because it was so intense and we were in shock. We thought he would still be with us for Christmas but sad!y that wasn’t to be. So now when I want to remember life before Tim got ill i look at our wedding photos, such a happy day and I watch my videos.

I have photographs and a funny video, but every memory just get overwritten by the ones where he was in pain, or scared. Or where I know I could have been kinder or more loving. I just want to remember us beeping positve and him being well.

I only mentioned yesterday that I find it difficult to remember what my wife looked like. I have pictures all around but I can’t picture her in my mind. But I also can’t seem to get the hospital experience out of my mind. Xx

I’m hoping that will come in time, the hospice\hospital experience was so intense, emotionally exhausting , understanding that Tim was going to die but not wanting to say goodbye. So I look at his photos and watch his videos in an attempt to block out those last few painful, heartbreaking days. I know I am still shock because only 3 months ago our lives were perfectly normal, plans my for Christmas and my 60th birthday and just like that, everything has changed. No more planning, no more anything just now trying to live the life we would never have chosen but have been given.

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