Replaying the loop

I am sitting here in the dark. The nightmare is beginning to play over again. The stroke, the weeks in hospital. The hope. The realisation. Being told dialysis no longer working. Having to ask my husband if he want to stop and to die. The hospice and in October the end. I am reliving it all day by day. I have really really tried to rebuild some sort of life but it is a meaningless existence and I am sick and tired of trying. I am not looking to kill myself although st the beginning I thought about it daily. I would welcome death as a release from this constant sadness and missing him so much. I function and people say I am much better. I haven’t been ill so better from what. The truth is I am better but better at hiding how I feel. I fill my days with activities and friends but I sometimes resent them very much. I have our old friends who are couples and I am so jealous that they have each other still. Of course I don’t say it or show it but when I look at couples arm in arm or hand in hand I just want to scream. This nightmare existence from which I don’t think I can recover seems never ending. I have events coming up and have to smile and pretend all is well when really I want to scream out loud have you all forgotten so soon. I resent others happiness and that is really sad. Just writing this down may be enough for this moment but another moment will come and it will all repeat itself. I long for peace and a rest from this.

Sent from my iPad

2 Likes

Dear Florence,
Reading your post was like looking into my own mind. I feel everything you feel, down to the sitting in the dark.
Like you, I hurt unbearably. I don’t know where to go from hee. I would like to end this torment but there is only one way to do that. I can’t do that to my wonderful daughters and grandchildren who are already hurting so much from losing him.
He was amazing, kind, generous, always there for us even when he wasn’t that well himself. He made us laugh, he got us out of any scrapes we got into. I /we adored him. And to add to all that, as a bonus, he was good- looking too.
How can I go on? I know I have to but it seems to be getting harder not easier. I wake up every morning feeling like sh.t and that goes on all day until I sleep again.
When I post on here, I always try to be upbeat and encouraging but I can’t do that tonight. I feel so unbearably heartbroken tonight and I don’t know what to do with myself. So you see, I understand and hope it will get eter but some days, like today, I wonder if it ever will.
Sorry to be so down,

Hi Florence, I am so sorry about your husband, it is awful when they tell you that the dialysis isn’t working anymore, as there isn’t anything that we can do. You sound exhausted, for two years you have tried your best to carry on, yet still the pain is there, and you can see no end to it for the rest of your life. That is incredibly sad, I don’t have the answers, all I can say is that whenever you need to talk about your suffering because you think it might help in some way or other, we will always be here for you.

Oh Florance. I know so how you feel. I lost my June just 8 weeks ago toniht. I miss her and usso much. Dated when we ere 16, married at 21, 45 years later she’s gone. I’m with you, I see couples holding hads and think “that was me”.

I am trying to avoid seeing people, especaily for events, tell them that I already have something else booked. I suspect they are mostly rekieved, they’ve made the offed but I’m busy so cannot make it which gets them off the hook of knowing whta to say to me.

where I live I can walk for about 15 mins and I can scream without scaring people, and i’ve done that and will probably do it again tonight. I just miss her.

After 8 weeks, I can truely say I’ve ha denough and don’t want to be here any more. I don’t liste to the news because I don’t care. I can’t do what I want to do, to see my June again because I can’t do that to my daughter - she’s lost her mother, and grandmother and an uncke within 3 months. I think if I did what I want to do, well…

Sorry, I’ve hijacked your post, dodn’t mean to

D

Dave you sound at the end of your tether, I can relate because I lost my husband 8 weeks ago too. Some days I find that the crying has stopped but the all of a sudden just when I’m going to bed it hits me again. I am having counselling on the phone every 5 weeks. It helps, have you asked for help? Does your family give you support and comfort? I hope you take care and if you feel desparate you seek the help you need. God bless Margarita

It’s 4.30 in the morning and I am still sitting here. I am angry with him for leaving me like this. I cared for him and I was with him until he drew his last breath. He died in my arms and while he was in the hospice I never left him. I slept in a chair by his bed and I gave him my permission to go. I don’t deserve this pain. I had hoped that two years on I would be able to cope with these months but it is frightening how it all comes back. I think I am just exhausted with living which brings me little joy and no peace. I don’t engage with news reports or newspapers because I really don’t care what is happening in the world. That is another thing that has totally changed. This feeling of apathy gets stronger by the year. I have friends and family but no one really talks about him any more unless I bring him into the conversation. It is so hurtful to see people just living their lives when I am totally adrift in a sea of misery and loss. I long for oblivion and the chance to let go of it all . I have had my life and I think it is unfair to ask me to drag myself through the last of it. I am sad for all our losses but have no wise words to offer. I can’t help as I can’t help myself

I understand the wanting to scream at people hand in hand or wrapped up in each other , it seems so unfair , yet I bet we were once the ones doing just that and others wanted to scream at us , at least we here had that once but it doesn’t help in the here and now with feeling lost

The apathy and longing for oblivion I relate to. I just don’t want to be here and can feel myself becoming resentful towards my daughter for not letting me go. I have to tell myself it’s niot her fault and she’s hurting too. Friends and family don’t know what to say, and most times it seems like she’s an unperson unless I mention her, then they get uncomfortable, easier not to see them for them and for me.
The hospice has offered me help, but honestly, I don’t know that I want it. I don’t want to get over this and move on. i have nothing to move on to, like you say, “drag myself through the last of it”

My darling tee had a thing she used to say when her mother died ,
To live in hearts that love is not to die .
We have to carry on or they will be gone forever when we go

Are you a bit better tonight, @Florence? Hope you are and not as restless as last night. If you need to talk, by phone or whatever, just let me know, I will listen to you talk about your husband if that is what you need.

Dear Florence
I have been trying to ask you how you are all day but couldn’t find where we were. I know this site is helpful but it is so hard to navigate.
Please don’t be cross with me, but I have to ask - are you getting any help? You sound so terribly sad, and that is ok. It’s not wrong to be sad. I know I shall always be sad for my husband. But having read lots of posts on here, I see that most people, while still heartbroken, are more able to accept it and live with it after some time. Your grief sounds more like a week old than two years and I am scared for you. Even allowing for the fact you wrote it at the most dreadful time - 4.30 in the morning, there is too much desperation there for my liking and it is clear you need help. Please get some help, counselling, or even help from your GP but don’t just give up.

Dear Florence (and others!)
I am so sorry that you are in such a dark place…I wish I could give you a hug! Each one of us is different and our grief affects us accordingly…whilst it is so reassuring to share with others on this site it doesn’t make our unique struggle any easier. We all go through phases of despair and hopelessness but there are also moments of almost-happiness which shine a light on our darkness and remind us that our loved one still lives on in our heart and will never leave us. Please don’t give up…some of us take longer than others to shift our grief burden into a more comfortable carrying position but carry it we do…because we were blessed to be loved by them.
Four years on, and I still take baby steps and tread gingerly on occasion… life is not at all what I had envisaged and I still stumble…but all the while I live so does Barry.
Please take care x

1 Like

I went thru something like this too! I’ve been without my wife for 9 months now, I live in our home alone and hold unto her trinkets, souvenirs, etc. I have gone down to our basement and shouted her name - and ask why did you have to die?, W Are you OK? Why did you leave me here alone to face life’s struggles - I felt so strong when I was with you. My life has changed since you left - but somehow I press on, not knowing what the day will bring. I understand everyone’s grief and anguish — just reflecting as I read these posts.
Herb

1 Like

It’s a sh1t existence isn’t it herb , we plod on day by day just looking for some reason and purpose to our new life , I am not looking forward to the future like I used to do , all those plans now just faded dreams

Hi sheila, I too feel that all I want to do is shut the front door and be left alone because there is no point to doing anything on your own , what fun is there in being somewhere else when you cant share the experience . But even being at home isn’t the same as its just an empty shell now .

Hello Sheila
It was good to read your post which echoes my own feelings. People seems to think that after a reasonable period of time things will ‘get better’. The raw grief and the everyday misery does lift but it changes into something more insidious. I have called my journey ‘the death of a thousand cuts’ because this is what I have experienced. The small cut when you see a happy couple hand in hand who are about the same age. The small cut you feel as your friends tell you about what they did that day which was what you used to do. The birthdays, the anniversaries, the family get together, Christmas, theyball leave their mark. The cuts are not deep but they are like bruises that leave you hurt and aching. I have been told to go to my GP. Chance would be a fine thing. If you don’t have Corona virus then don’t bother. Going to a GP and being given a drug to ‘help you cope’ is not the answer for me. I don’t want the pain to be dulled I want to try to get to somewhere where I can remember our lives before the bad times. My husband had his stroke two years ago last week and whatever I do I cannot forget that I am back in the hope, despair loop again. I do have friends who are either widowed or single and I feel much more comfortable in their company than those of our married friends so I understand fully what you are saying. I joined a couple of clubs last year and have tentatively made a few new acquaintances. Friends are not made overnight and for me it is a gradual process losing some people along the way but keeping others. Children are great but they just want you to be ‘better’ because they have their own lives and can’t bear the fact that you are so sad. They don’t know what to do to help so they end up telling you what they would do. The sensible thing. No one can tell you what they would do until they experience what you are going through and even then you are not they. I resign myself to living on with my memories and putting on a brave face for the world which may one day be me. Meantime I do the daily struggle, put one foot in front of the other and carry on. Two year, six years, four years it is all just the same but we do get better at hiding how we feel.

2 Likes

And when it does happen to them they will also find people drift away

Hello Sheila
Inspirational posts as usual and I hope you have given some encouragement to those members on here that are struggling with being alone. You are showing them that you have comfort in the home that you shared and that Peter is still very much a big part of your life.
For me I have found that a room full of people will not replace my husband and like you I am learning to be quite content with my own company. I do not crave holidays anymore, would never be the same now anyway. I see enough people in the course of my day but like you I find my home my sanctuary.
It’s hard at first but it can be done. It just takes a bit of determination and time.
Pat

This is exactly me, I lost my beloved husband alan 7 months ago on the 28th January to that vile cancer, since then the same as you I want to not be here, I feel like I am in a loving hell, I have our anniversary coming up in October and I am actually dreading it, it would of been 48 yrs also Christmas, that was his favourite time, I too have thought about death to the point of running my car into a tree at our fab spot, but I go on the same as you, and you are right we are not ill, we are lost souls with our loved ones beside us, I wish I could be writing a positive message, but I do want you to know that everything you have written is ex how I feel too, maybe this is how it is, but until then, until this heartbreak ends we must go on, please take care. Linda xxxx

Dear Geoff-tee, I hadn’t checked this site in a while. Somehow, reading this post brought back memories of my wife - whom I miss very much,. Just want to thank you for your thoughts and message. I have been keeping myself busy here, making some improvements but not changing what we had here. I had the opportunity to visit my wife’ s two sons. I made a nice photo of their mom and placed them in a nice frame. They appreciated the gesture. We talked about their mom which seemed to have drawn us a bit closer. It was nice to see them again. I see my own son at least twice a month - we gout to lunch and update each other on what’s happening in our lives, Lately, I took out my sledge hammer and started breaking up a large section of a concrete pad - didn’t get too far as the summer heat is getting hotter and hotter - so I broke off from it for a while. It’s a project - but it keeps me from thinking too much about my wife’s death. They don’t understand that, but it helps. Anyway, just wanted to reach out and say thahnk you for understanding.
Herb