sad and lonely

Its been 4 years since my husband died. We had been together 45 years. We had celebrated our Ruby wedding anniversary then 7 days later he was gone. I can still remember every moment of that awful night in the High Dependency Unit. My son and I had left the unit and moved just 10 feet away to the relatives room to speak to the doctor there was a knock on the door and a nurse said come quick. I ran to the unit and found my husband had died all his tubes etc were gone,the nurse had time to do this before calling me I feel guilty for not being with my husband at his last moments he died alone with no one to hold him. All the staff knew I wanted to be with him at his last moments. I then felt anger and sadness those moments can never be rewound so I could be there it was final he was gone. I get very sad and lonely I have family and grandchildren I also work part time so I am not lonely in that sense I am lonely for my husbands company I can not replace this. The only escape and comfort I get is sleeping and seeing him in my dreams not all the time but I sleep a lot with the hope my dreams will be of him its the only time I am with him and my dreams are so real That I long for the next one. Can any one relate to this or am I abnormal.

Dear Tinkerbell.
So sorry to hear about the loss of your beloved husband. My circumstances are different to yours as I lost my 24 year old son suddenly 4 months ago in an accident so my grief is sill very raw but like you sometimes all I want to do is sleep, I look forward to shutting my eyes at the end of the day so that I can have some peace and maybe to dream of my son. I believe that dreams are very important and that sometimes our loved ones try to help us by seeing us in our sleep.
I dreamt about my son a lot in the first few weeks but not so much now, but sometimes I have a sense that he watches me when I sleep.
I do hope that you find some peace.
Take care