Seems worse

After 6 months the loneliness really floors me. I have joined a weekly Widows Group which is ok but my 3 close friends are all ill with serious things and I have no family. I do get counselling. But nothing stops the silence and loneliness . I am still exhausted and fall asleep every time I sit down probably from two years of trauma with my husband care and his dementia but should I still be so exhausted? I had a high powered career but now I am just a weak person with no real confidence. I get so nervous in the house when things go wrong that I don’t understand. I am 71 and I would like to feel there was something in life for me again but I have no energy and I cry at everything. I had to go to A and E last week for 8 hours all night with chest pains. I was ok but I cried all the time because I had no one with me and they asked me who my next of kin was and I had to say I didn’t have one. Sorry I just had to express myself tonight. Thank you for listening.

Hello Dido, In reading your post I relate so much to your loneliness. I work long hours so I am sometimes distracted, however the grief follows me where ever I go. I lost my younger sister/best friend 10 months ago to cancer. We were each other’s “every day person.” Even before she fell ill we were always in touch, texting, calling, and chatting for hours on the phone… We checked up on each other nightly to make sure we both got home safely. We got together to share weekends, holidays, birthdays.I always knew she would be there if I was sick or upset. She was younger, but was wise beyond her years. She was my cushion in life. We lost our mom in 2012, and supported each other through that devastating time. We were a team. We have another sibling, but she chose to ignore us for years, and would not be someone I could ever depend on. Now I am alone, and like you, I no longer have anyone to place on the “next of Kin” form., and no more “emergency contact…” I fear if I were to have an accident in my house, I could very well lay there for days before anyone would find me. I have friends, but they have families and busy lives. They say “call anytime” but my sister was the only one I could actually ring at “any time” of the day or night. My life is now so empty without that one special person to turn to. I understand your fear and how it can impact your health. I get counselling as well. You sound overwhelmed and physically and emotionally exhausted. I hope you will get some rest and begin to regain your strength. Never be sorry for expressing yourself, that is why we are here. Keep posting, you are not alone. Take care, Sister2 Xxx

Thank you for this thoughtful reply and I am so sorry for your loneliness. With regard to safety in the home I too worried a lot that I might fall and no one find me. I don’t know how old you are but I didn’t feel old enough to wear one of those pendants. Again it depends if you can afford it and if you can manage tech devices but I splashed out and bought the Apple Watch which has an SOS function. If you have a hard fall and do not respond it locates you and dials the emergency services and any contacts you have nominated. If you are conscious you can activate the SOS in any emergency. I got the one that doesn’t need your iPhone carrying with you. This means I wear the watch all the time and know I am safe whereas with phones you might not have it with you. It is expensive but gives me real peace of mind

Hi Dido, so sorry to hear of your worries and loneliness. It shouldn’t happen like this should it, but people don’t stick together in families like they used to years ago. I can remember when my Nan was on her own, her two neighbours either side of her used to all call to each other every morning to make sure all was well. When one died and the other moved she felt so alone. Like you I worry that something might happen but I don’t worry about myself it’s my dogs. What if I can’t get help, what will happen to them. I have no family near but my grandson and wife keep in touch but they live ten miles away. My daughter lives in Spain and my son I rarely see, so no use. Thanks for explaining that Apple watch, I might look into it, or something similar. At the moment I am active. I do a lot of walking and have my allotments, don’t think it should be anything to do with age, if your alone and fall at any age it can be difficult. I find myself hoping that if I do collapse or fall I am not alone in the house.
Wish I could help you more.

With your dogs I can understand that. I got a card for my wallet and a key ring that says Cat alone at home. I thought if I had an accident outside home someone would see that. A friend agreed to have her contact number on it to come and look after or make arrangements for my cat. I am sure there is one for dogs too. I am pretty sure I got it off amazon.

Hi Dido. I was reading your post again and noticed that you went to A&E with chest pains. I am alone, as you can see late at night, just like you and have also a tightness across my chest which I have never had before. It started this afternoon but I was alright this morning. Went for a long walk with the dogs and exercised at home later, then this afternoon could hardly walk as the pain came. I’ve asked my grandson to check on my dogs if they don’t hear from me in the morning. He offered to come over but he lives miles away and has work in the morning so don’t want to bother him. Dread going to the hospital so just waiting for tomorrow and see how it is then. It’s time like this that you feel so afraid and vulnerable isn’t it. I’m usually a fit and healthy person and haven’t had any illness for years so not used to feeling so weak. Now I’m in the same position as you and knew you would understand. Thanks Pat

I do understand but chest pain should be checked out even if you are scared of hospitals. Don’t take the risk of a heart attack. They are kind in A and E . In your position I would want to know why I had the pain, even if it’s gone, was there a heart event, might there be another serious one. If there is no pain this morning at the very least speak to your doctor today or go to A and E . If the pain comes back ring the emergency services and they will come and decide if you need to go to A and E. I’m not a doctor but don’t want you to put yourself at risk.

My heart goes out to you Dido. I now live alone but I do have family. Do you live in the London/Kent area. I find time in the house alone for too long makes matters worse. I have never lived alone. I can only say I hope life will improve for all of us.

Thank you. No I live up north. Somehow we get by. Bad days and better days. The last time I lived alone was 43 years ago . Long time!

Hi Dido thanks for your reply, much appreciated. Wednesday wasn’t a good day but when I rang the doctors I couldn’t get through so gave up. This morning I was a lot better, not so breathless, but this afternoon not so good. But Dr’s closed for training. Trouble is I’m fine in the house it’s only when I walk the dogs that I become breathless and it’s hard as I’ve never been really ill in my life and known for a good lifestyle and love of exercise, not doing me much good now or Brian for that matter… Hoping it might be stress as I have become so stressed out when I thought I was doing quite well. I seem to be going backwards… I’m beginning to wonder what the good Lord has lined up for me now. It would just be nice to be able to relax a bit after spending months nursing Brian then sorting through and selling his things which has been very upsetting and now this. I give up. xxx

So do I Christina. I really do. I live alone but do have a great grandson and family but I can’t keep putting on them as they live ten miles away. He came from work today to spend his lunchtime with me. I gave him a kiss at the gate when he left. He had his works van and in working clothes. I wonder if my nosy neighbours think I’ve got myself a toyboy already.
I have had problems this week (see Dido) and had to stay indoors for two days and it’s driving me mad as I’m an outdoor person and have outdoor active hobbies, so I have had a look at being indoors, watching crappy programmes on TV alone and frightened. I am beginning to feel desperate and haven’t as yet felt like that although missed Brian like crazy but now feel so useless.

My advice remains the same to get yourself checked medically as outlined in my reply to you before. I am very sympathetic to you. Please don’t give up. You like me have had a very hard time and reading all the posts here of everyone who has lost their partner we are not alone in how we feel. Things can’t be the same again but I do believe that there will be a time when we will gradually get more used to our lives and find some meaning again even if we can’t see it just now. I’m glad you have your dogs. My little cat is a comfort to me.

Dear Dido, so relived you posted. I’m 42 yet pretty much relate to the silence and loniness with traumas on top of health and mental health difficulties without kids and or a partner. The tiny family I have is 40 miles away. Friends are few with moving on in their lives whilst the grief engulf me. Mum was buried Jan 4th, died 30th Nov and found out my absent father died 1 month before my mum. The loneliness is something so profound and invades every part of your life. Though I have a carer as I’m unwell, what hit me most was how I related to how you described being in A &E upset as no one with you as well as not having a next kin. So people never comprehend how devastating this reality is. They deny situations because their own fear.
Sounds like you and I are totally exhausted too.
I’m considering getting a pet or signing up to borrow my doggies type schemes to see if this may help the isolation plus don’t have to explain my circumstances to humans. Yet we all need human contact.

Thanks Didi for your kindness. Yes I have managed at last to get through to the surgery (oh for the days when you just walked in) and seeing a doctor today. I feel much better this morning but still not ready for my usual active lifestyle. So I am feeling pretty sorry for myself as not used to having to stay in all day. I hate doctors and haven’t been for years always been healthy. But I think that what we are all going through makes us ready for the next phase of the journey we are making and if it means other problems then so be it. I am telling myself I can cope with anything now after watching Brian die in so much pain. I too have hung onto to the belief that we will find a light at the end but sometimes you just get kicked back down again. Not feeling good has made me feel vulnerable and useless, when I thought I was beginning to cope a tiny bit better. I am feeling sorry for myself and know it. My dogs are wonderful they have kept me going. Take care xxx

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