Should be getting over it

My husband died 31/7/2016 and I still feel I am n limbo. How do I make a new life after 65 yrears of marriage - I knew him for 4 years before we were married

Hello, Rose June. I posted a reply to you earlier today but must have done something wrong as it is not here. Your post rang bells with me because Bill and I were married for 66 years when he died last year. Plus we knew each other 2 years before that. It is like losing a limb and not being able to function without it. I have tried to make a new life but find it almost impossible to enjoy anything without him. We were always together, and I am totally at a loss going places on my own. All I want is to go and be with him and, at 86, I hope I won’t have to spend too many years on my own. The loneliness is awful. Warm regards. Eileen

Hello Eileen. Thank you for your reply. I have been so low that I prayed to die. Now, possibly because because I’ve not been doing much, my Dr tells me that I am not as well as I thought I was. I now realise what another close death would mean to my family. Hard as it is, I must survive as long as I can for them. I can still hear Leslie saying, "We must never, in any way, become a burden to our children ". “All right for you”. I say to myself but, as always, I must go along with his wishes. I wish you peace of mind. Rose. (Are you Virgo? Me too. Sign if service. Ha!!)

Hello Rose June and thank you for your reply to me. I know the feeling about wanting to die, and the reason why we must go on. I would never take my own life because of the distress to my family, but I do say a little prayer before I go to sleep that I won’t wake in the morning. It’s dreadful I know but all I want is to be with my husband again. Like you, we had been married a long, long time and I don’t know how to face the coming years without him. I expect we will survive even though we will never recover from our loss. Yes I am a Virgo. 25th August and I will be 87 this year. Warm wishes. Eileen

Hello Rose June, I am so sorry for your loss. My beloved husband died just over three years ago in 2014, we were married for 47 years and together for 50. I understand totally what you mean about being in limbo because all you think about is that he is not here with you. I think about the past more and more because they were the days when we had forever, I do not want to even contemplate the future without him and the present is just another day to get through on my own. Some people say the present is a gift, it would be a gift if my husband was here with me but he isn’t so it is just another sad day.

Our sons tell me I have a lot to look forward to because I have grandchildren and sons who love me but I feel like saying, what the heck have I got to look forward to. I see my family every so often but I am not a real part of their lives. There is an old saying 'A son is a son ‘til he gets him a wife, a daughter’s a daughter for all of her life.’ That is really true as they spend all their week-ends at her mums, go out for lunch with them but when he comes to visit me he comes alone or brings our grandsons for a couple of hours.

Since I became a widow, my life has change beyond recognition, my husband and I used to be the centre of all the activities. Having people round, going out for meals and having a good time now I have a totally different life and I hate it.

You ask how you make a new life after many years of marriage, my answer is yes you can make a new life but it is definitely not the life you would want. I don’t want this life, I don’t want to know that this is it until the day I die. If I went on a hundred holidays or if I won a million pounds it would not mean a thing because at the end of the day the love of your life has gone and there is nothing you can do about it and all the holidays and money will never, ever make up for it.

We get up each day and go to bed each night and that is it, okay you can join clubs etc. I have never joined a club in my life so why on earth would I want to now I am widowed, it just accentuates the fact that I am alone and that is all there is.

This site is wonderful, we are all in the same boat, we have lost someone we loved with all our heart and we can talk to each other, tell our woes to and when you read some of the post on the forum you realise you are not alone.

Take Care.

Sheila xxxx

Dear Sheila
Today is Mothering Sunday. I have a son and a daughter and they both live at some distance from me. They with their families sent me flowers. Both the accompanying cards said, “Thanks Mum”. When my parents and my brothers and sister died I grieved but I still had my ‘other’ life to go home to. I now thank God that my son and daughter have another life to help them in their grief. Like you I have never been one for clubs and have always said that if I’d wanted to join clubs I would have done it when my husband was alive. However, I know people are trying to help when they suggest I go to meetings and so I have been going to some because I don’t want to offend them. Please believe it does help. In my case, most of the meetings are arranged by he church (not churchy things but some very interesting talks) Certainly, when I return home I am just as sad, just as lonely but at least there was that couple of hours during the day that I was taken out of myself. I have even been able to help people now and then. I was a nurse a long time ago. Please try it Sheila. Maybe your sons are seemingly becoming more distant because they just don’t know what to do to help you. Take care. Rose

Good morning Rose, thank you for replying to my comments. Our sons think that I have moved on with my life, it never occurs to them that I am still grieving for the man I have loved for most of my life since he was 18 years old, as their thoughts are taken up with themselves. You cannot love someone from being little more than a child yourself and grow old with them and then get over it in a matter of a few years, it is impossible, I never will get over it, he was my life, my everything. I love our sons but I sometimes don’t like them at all, they are very selfish people who only think about themselves. It is not what they can do for me, it is always, what I can do for them.

One of our sons once said that he thinks, when children move out of the family home to start their own lives, parents should move as far away as possible from them so they don’t interfere with their children’s lives. I was livid, I asked him how much would it have cost him in childminding over the last 12 years, sometimes four days a week from 7 am to 8 pm. I also asked him why parents should have to move, why can’t children emigrate then they will be out of our lives forever and they won’t have to bother about us at all and when we die they can come home and claim their inheritance.

I honestly don’t know why our sons have turned into selfish people, as my Peter was the kindest man you would ever wish to meet. Just before he died he asked them to make sure I was looked after. It is me doing the looking after them.

One day they will grow up but now they are both nearly 50 years of age I think it is too late.

Love

Sheila xx