Should I feel this way

It has been 9 months since my husband died. I am beginning to feel a little calmer & accepting all that has happened. I suddenly had these thoughts as awful as it sounds but my darling husband was not actually perfect he did have his faults as we all do. I have had him on a pedestal & have & will always always will but somehow it is helping me now to cope with my grieving realising that he did have his faults & I need sometimes to remember his little annoying things I think it helps me stop missing him so much & although I still love him so much & will miss him forever… I do hope you all understand what I am trying to say . Sorry x

When someone we love so very much dies, the everyday annoying little things are not what we miss about them, it is the happy memories, the sharing and caring, so of course that is all we can focus on in the early days. It is not awful to recall that your husband had his faults (who doesn’t?) but the beauty of it is that you loved him despite them. That is what love is.

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I know what you mean. The last little bit, I catch myself thinking about our lives together and how it really wasn’t perfect . Sometimes he would tell me “You’d be better off without me.” Sometimes I felt that I would, but not now. There are some of his annoying little habits or idiosyncrasies that I really don’t miss (deep inside), but I’d put up with them in a heartbeat just to have him back.

Don’t be sorry for having these thoughts. They are the truth of what we were. The love that we still carry is the truth of who we are.

I think you both have it wrong of what I was trying to say. I love him deeply & worshipped him so much while he was with me & when he left me I was heartbroken. What I am trying to say is that I am now realising as the pain is slightly easing I just want to ease my pain with the fact that he wasn’t perfect, that is what made me love him so much. Sorry to have upset you but I am trying to let him go , I hoped you would understand. I will love him forever as you will , I just tried to put into words my feelings but it didn’t happen. X

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So sorry agmo 1986 I have just re read your message . X

Hi. unhappy. I think I understand. It’s the fact that you now realise he wasn’t perfect that gives you some comfort. This is one of those strange paradoxes that can occur when our emotions are upset. I doubt any of us have had perfect partners. My wife was not and nether am I. The realisation of that fact is in a strange way reassuring, because we know they were human. Faults can often be endearing.
With such a loss as we have all had is it any wonder our minds play strange tricks? We do tend to forget their faults and concentrate on their virtues. But in doing so do we ‘dehumanise’ them? We also tend to suppress any such feelings because in thinking them we feel guilt. I was married for many years, and although our marriage was fine in almost every way there were times when we didn’t see eye to eye. Perfectly normal and natural.
What we actually mourn is their presence. The companionship through good and bad times. To me the bad times are probably more important than the good ones. We learn so much about ourselves in those bad times.
But more important than anything is the love we received and gave. That is indestructible. I don’t feel anyone should be ashamed of some of the strange thoughts we may have. It’s all about grief and our state of mind.