My husband died 7 weeks ago and I am struggling. When people ask how I am I keep saying I’m ok, as I feel that is what they want to hear, but I am not. I dont know how to cope and what I should do, so I am avoiding people when I can, other than my children. My husband had dementia and was in a care home for his last 5 months, so people keep saying ‘at least you had got used to him not being here’ and ‘it is for the best’. I am quite angry at them, even though I know they mean well. Sorry, this is sounding like a load of moaning, but I think I just needed to get it off my chest. Thanks for listening.
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Dear @Curly25
Thank you for sharing how you’re feeling. I’m so sorry for your loss.
The reason why you’re avoiding people is because the only person’s company you want is your husband’s. I felt the same way too, with nobody reallyunderstanding how deep my pain was.
People make ill thought out remarks - probably because they’ve never lost a partner.
Try to look after yourself even if you don’t want to. I wish I could say it gets easier but 8 months in and still miss my lovely husband every second of every day.
Take care 
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I am now six months into are lonely path. You have already found that very few people understand what we are going through they may say well meaning but useless comments or mostly they will walk on the other side of the road. Unfortunately you will have to learn how to wear the I am doing ok mask. But the good news if there is any is that it helps to find others in the same situation who understand and you can talk to, you have already started by posting on this site . Another place for comfort that is helping me is bereavement meetings if you have any in your area. You will meet people with which you can remove your mask and talk openly.
Best wishes to you
Tony
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Dear @Curly25
My husband also died 7 weeks ago although his death was sudden and unexpected so it has also been a massive shock. I worry that I’m bringing people down so I also try to pretend I’m OK. It definitely helps to find people who’ve been through the same thing.
I set myself a couple of “jobs” each day and that helps. Even if it’s just something small. Mornings are the worst but once I get going I feel slightly better. This horrible weather doesn’t help!
Sending you positive thoughts.
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Dear @Mel53
I am so sorry for your loss too, it is very hard just putting one foot in front of the other, so we are doing the best we can. Thank you for your message, it helps to know we are not alone in this.
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Unfortunately most people just can’t cope with your not coping. I get silly people saying, well you must have known he would go first because he was so much older, as if that somehow makes it ok, less devastating. I really just want people to acknowledge how hard it is. I don’t expect to be ‘fixed’, but it would be nice to be understood.
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Thanks Tony, I will look into finding a support group near me.
Hello Mel. My husband also died suddenly and unexpectedly and apart from the huge loss, I think the trauma of his sudden passing has completely taken away all my confidence. 9 months on, I feel more alone than ever. In the first few months, friends and family were with me, or talking to me a lot of the time, but now it seems that everyone has moved on and getting on with their lives………….and the expectation is that I should as well. How far from the truth this is - I put on a brave face a lot of the time, as a I dont want to let them know the incredible pain I am feeling, because they just wouldn’t understand. I wish I had more comforting words for you, but sadly I feel quite ‘stuck’. This forum is a place that we can all say how we are feeling and everyone understands. I hope you find it a comfort.
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Yes, I agree. Some things that people say are truly mind boggling.
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Hi
So sorry for your loss. Its such early days for you. I knew my husband was going to die a year before he did, i was strong for him and our daughters but it does’nt change the deep loss you feel when they finally go. You don’t get used to it. I always said i’m ok or plodding on too, but its just a facade you put on for those around you to try and make them comfortable. I’m almost 18mths in now and sorry to say it feels worse now as my support people have gone back to their lives. They should too but it leaves you feeling so isolated and utterly bereft. Some have made comments about moving on possibly having a new partner! They don’t get it, they’ve not lost the love of their life, a soul mate. No one can replace my hubby, i still fell very much married and in love with my husband. Love just does’nt die too.
I’m lucky i have 2 daughters i keep going for them but my life/world seems to have no colour and its just grey, dull. My heart aches and i cant imagine that will change ever, you just have to learn to carry the pain. I’m still learning.
But atleast here on this site we do understand, take some comfort in that. Wishing you well. X
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Hi @Josiethom
I am so sorry for your loss if your husband and to hear that you are still finding it very hard. I can’t believe people think it is possible to contemplate finding someone new, as though your partner can just be replaced. I know some widowed folk do go on to meet someone else who becomes important in their lives, which is great for them, but I can’t imagine ever feeling ready for that. I was married for 50 years, he was and still is my one and only, so I know how you feel about it. Thanks for the support, take care.
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Dear @EPSAD
I’m so sorry to hear that you feel stuck and I hope that, in time, you start to get your confidence back. It’s so hard - one minute you’re in a team of 2 then within in an instant you’re on your own and your whole world has been turned upside down.
All the best,
Mel
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I know what you mean by folks well meaning comments.
I lost my wife 4 months ago and still devastated and don’t think there’s been a day when I haven’t been crying my heart out as I miss her so much. Folk say, ‘you will get over it etc’ but I don’t want to ‘get over it…’ I just don’t know how to cope and respond.
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Hi, sorry to hear that. I have given up saying that I’m ok. I say that I’m surviving and it’s hard and thanks for asking. It’s been 4 months since my husband died, and it is the worst feeling in the world. Cry when you need and grief your way.
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You are more than entitled to moan or grumble or shout and scream anything at all that helps you get things off your chest and people on this site know this only too well so carry on while ever it might help even a little.
I avoided people too for a very long time, I didn’t see the point of making pointless conversation and trying to help them feel better by thinking they were doing some good. I didn’t want to see anybody or do anything but I do see now after over 3 years that I should not have withdrawn for so long as I found it so difficult to try to get back in touch with people even family. Again like you I got really angry with someone who told me it was maybe a blessing as my dear husband had been ill for so long. I knew she meant well but I really lost my temper and even now cannot believe she could make such a heartless remark.
These things and our reactions to them after such a life shattering event are all perfectly normal so please don’t beat yourself up about them. Take care.
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@Tony31 I’m so sorry Tony, people either dont say anything or say the wrong thing, but that is probably us receiving things badly, rather than the other people meaning to be hurtful. I have just snapped at a relative, who probably meant no harm, but appeared to be treating me like I was stupid. If people really care, they should understand that we might just need to cry sometimes. I hope you feel better for posting here, the others on here are all lovely and very supportive. Take care.
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Do you think it is way over time’ that we’ headed up a campaign: Grief has no Timeline
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I would comfort myself by thinking of people who I knew who suffered much worse. I lost my husband Sept .14,2025. I found him and can’t stop seeing him that way. My son claimed I poisoned him thus I was locked up. Forensics takes 90 day to confirm cause of death. Until then, I see folks whisper as they stare at me. People hope I am suffering. I have no one to talk to. I manage because I know I didn’t kill my husband, I know all the spirits with me know that I can’t kill anything. I can hardly support myself because all my assets are frozen until I am found innocent. I am riding an emotional roller coaster. I want to be dead more than alive, but I can’t until all the people who judge me regret their actions and hopefully learn from it. I honestly feel your pain. You must take care of yourself. Don’t pretend to anyone, be honest cry, scream, release it. You can find yourself again. Just give yourself credit and stop being concerned about what others think.
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Hi
Sorry to hear about everything that is the grief journey you’re having.
It’s so tough isn’t it.
Sending my love & thoughts.
I lost my Mum seven months ago & like you find it hard to be ‘ normal ‘ around friends & family.
Grief is such an up & down thing isn’t it…
I’m finding it harder at the moment & get triggered by the small everyday things which I think we find hard as people think that your fine , but we’re not are we.
Just want you to know that I feel the same as you & share my love , thoughts & energy with you.
It’s good just to write things down sometime especially when you have a bad day , which I find today has hit me.
Hey hoe.
Love for now
Will.
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@Kettle Thanks Will. I’m now adding Christmas into the complex mix of emotions to deal with, trying to look forward to spending time with family but inside I am dreading it. I know the ‘firsts’ of everything will be the worst, but it is hard to see a time when life will be anything like normal again. Take care of yourself.
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