Hi Everyone, my mum died on Friday and I’m just so sad. I was numb on the day it happened but now I’m just getting wave after wave of wanting to sob.
I know everyone is different but I wondered about others experience about seeing the body before the funeral? Did it help at all? My immediate reaction was I didn’t want to see her but now I don’t know what to do? If I don’t I won’t be able to go back. I’ve never seen a dead person and am scared don’t know what to expect.
It’s such a personal thing and there is no right and wrong. I was sure I wanted to have one more chance to see mum and talk to her but then changed my mind. I asked the funeral director what it involved and it felt too intrusive for me (embalming, dressing etc) and she’s been through enough. I am instead trying to say what I want in other ways - writing a journal, note in her coffin and keeping her in my thoughts. It’s so hard to know what to do for the best but you need to do what feels right for you.
It did help me and I felt if I hadn’t gone I would have been left wondering. It was comforting to hold Mam’s hand and kiss her forehead.
It is a very personal choice and there’s no right or wrong answer. Some people want to remember their loved one how they were which is completely understandable.
I spoke with the funeral director who was really sensitive and respectful to my queries which helped me to decide whether to see her.
s.b.2025 is so right. It is such a personal thing and only you can decide.
If it helps, I went to see my mum. She looked so peaceful, as if she was asleep and she was dressed how I wanted in her comfy clothes and had all the things, like photos and cuddly toys with her (for her to get the cuddles I can’t give her). I also wrote her a letter to take with her, which was very hard to do but helped me an enormous amount. I also asked our very caring funeral director for a lock of her hair for me to keep and I treasure it.
I wish you all the strength that you need and am sending you love and hugs because I know what you are going through.
Take care
One other thought…I also tried to think what my mum would say. I have always valued her guidance so much so that’s really important to me. She hadn’t been to see her parents after they died so I felt she wouldn’t be keen on it.
This is a very personal, there is no right answer. Do what’s right for you.
Hello Lynz. I’m really sorry for your loss.
I wasn’t sure whether to see my husband’s body, but in the end I’m glad I did. It was a mixed experience for me - he looked peaceful and was dressed in his usual (scruffy!) style, but on the other hand, David had emotions, gestures and mannerisms, and this looked a bit like a waxwork - it wasn’t my David, if you know what I mean.
As you say, you won’t get another chance, so I’d say you’re leaning towards seeing your mum. You’ll be allowed to touch her and talk to her if you want, and the funeral staff won’t go in with you.
What I would say is, if you can, have someone go with you. It’s quite an emotional thing. My stepson and stepdaughter came with me, and we were good support for each other.
Sending you love and strength - it’s early days yet and you’re bound to be ‘all over the place’. xx
I got asked this by the paramedics for my own mum i said no but then I wanted to hold her hand and say goodbye you can always ask for them to cover her over if you don’t want to see her but just being there might give you that comfort ok you know she gone but I talked to her out loud before she was taken but the paramedics didn’t say anything just hold her hand for the very last time
I have taken great comfort of seeing my mother after she passed. She looked very peaceful, out of pain and fast asleep.
Thank you all so much for your responses, they really helped me a lot.
I took your advice and built on it. Mum always loved a card for any occasion so I got her 3 - one for Christmas, one for her birthday and a general one were I poured out everything I wanted to say to her. The funeral director put them in with her and it’s given me great comfort.
Conscious that this isn’t for everyone but I grew up in a religious household but have lapsed somewhat. Seeing her brought some of that back. She didn’t look like herself and something in me was released - it wasn’t her, she’s gone somewhere else.
I will miss her everyday and I’m sure I will have some major wobbles, but I feel (or at least I do as I type this) that wherever she is, she is going to fly by my side.
Again, everyone who took the time to respond, I can’t tell you how much it has meant to me. You are all special people x
Glad the day went ok. I’m also day one post funeral and the enormity of the loss has hit hard.
I saw my mum at the hospital after she passed, that was not a nice experience.
However, i have been back three times to the Chapel Of Rest, that enabled me to see my mum, out of pain, asleep and at rest, difficult but definitely the correct decision
Hope you can feel big hugs and support like me through these messages. To know there are such kind thoughtful people out there is giving me real comfort
The right decision for me too, big hugs
Go if you feel the need to. I have done several funeral parlour visits but did not find the look of my deceased relatives looking at all how I remember them , in fact it was more upsetting. Sorry
I work in a care home and some of our people have passed recently, they’ll ok as if they’re sleeping and very peaceful.
Having said that when my dad passed I didn’t want to see him in the chapel of rest, it’s very hard to know what to do