Should we just say goodbye

Losing a partner
1

Hello

I’ve posted so many times recently in different topics, but as background/for context, my partner of 20 years passed away from cancer in July, age 59. An aggressive type. He was diagnosed last summer, had a tumour removed, chemo, major surgery earlier this year, got the all clear which crossed with a separate letter saying it had returned.

I questioned myself, and the quiet space around me today, whether I should just let go and say goodbye. I asked ‘what do I want?’ Even if there was a sign he was with me now, what can we do together? He can’t hold me, talk to me; we can’t go out for a meal, shopping, holiday. I have his ashes. When our dog passed, just before his op, he said the ashes stay with us. I assume he would intend the same for his ashes. My son says they stay with us.

Do I stop this madness of talking to him, asking if he’s here? Looking for robins, anything. It helped at first, but today I wonder.

It has been a hard day. I had a hospital appointment, not really thinking about the address. As I drew up I had a massive panic / grief attack. Fell to bits. It was near the unit where he had the tumour removed, I visualised where I dropped him off, and collected him. I wasn’t allowed in. No-one from the hospital helped him down the stairs, or with his bag, late at night.

We had no idea how serious it all was. Nor of course how the next 10 months would pan out.

No-one can really help with how I feel. Yes, his love is still with me and time will gradually make triggers less impactful, but I’m going to have to stop this imagining he is here.

Does anyone else feel the same? Feel a bit mad with grief, knowing really that it’s not madness in itself but a complete ignorance of beliefs, what we are supposed to believe, do, how to react? Would it be easier to just accept death as a complete end, no afterlife, or ever feeling them around us. I do believe we’ll meet again, but it’s this limbo feeling that’s driving me to question what it’s all about.

3 Likes
2

Putting religion totally to one side no-one can tell you what to believe it is purely down to individuals choice,I was a sceptic in the afterlife position,but having experienced things over the past weeks I cannot explain,I firmly believe my wife’s spirit is with me.
Hope this helps.

1 Like
3

Thank you x

Something odd happened the other night, but not 100% sure if a dream.

Tomorrow is another day, and I may feel differently. I just don’t know what I’m expecting.

1 Like
4

Alison4
If it was in July it isn’t very long.
I don’t bother to think what I should or shouldn’t do. But someone I know used to try to tell me but I thought what does he know? He isn’t in the same boat.
Thank you for saying all your thoughts because it is a struggle between what is a hope and then a reality if they are different really. My mind tells me he is gone and that is that but I still talk in my mind and think I always will sometimes. Like he is still here. It helps to do so. So much of what he did and said I follow the same. Other things I am very slowly changing because I want things to be how I want it. It is silly to others but I leave the hose out because my dad did and my late husband never did. I can’t be bothered. I say to myself do what you like now. Then I think actually his actually his tidy ways were were better. Sometimes I can’t help thinking is he the wind that rusles his old tree or when his plants bloom.

4 Likes
5

What gives you the most comfort?
I don’t think anyone can tell you how to cope, how manage your thoughts.
They’re yours, they’re unique to you… it’s part of what makes you the person your partner fell in love with.
I do sometimes wonder if the neighbours hear me chatting to N in the garden… but I dont really care anymore, it brings me comfort… :blush:x

3 Likes
6

I’m talking to him all day, and generally, must be stress. If it helps, why not, but I’m breaking up today with it all, almost the worst day since.

I remembered my sister saying, yes just use humour, when we laughed at something on the day of the funeral, before we left for the service. That annoyed me today. I was thinking how insensitive, she has no idea, while also telling the Alexa to turn off, and I rudely said and put a f… (rude word, sorry) in front of it, then laughed at myself, so ironically, perhaps she’s right.

3 Likes
7

My doctor asked me if I am seeing things or hearing things. But I know I can’t tell her what I have been experiencing because to them it will be a psychiatric issue. I said no but my spiritual occurrences are a treasure to me. Religion and science aside we are dealing with love and unbreakable bonds.

1 Like
8

I also desperately want to believe. I talk to him all the time, in the house and in the garden. When I have to do something I am scared of doing wrong or if I have to drive somewhere new I ask him to stay with me. I feel more confident then. If it turns out right or if achieve what I needed to, I say thank you. So what if it’s bonkers, if it helps I just do it.
I am, and have always been a Christian, I don’t go to church now, I just practice in my own way. My husband died 14 weeks ago and he did not believe in God or afterlife.
We put food out for the birds in the winter and usually have quite brave robins in the garden. They usually follow me when I am digging. But just lately there has been one that flies up at the kitchen window repeatedly and then sits on the fence looking at me. I really don’t know what to make of it.
Xx

1 Like
9

I haven’t seen or heard anything, I wish I would, apart from a robin landing on his rose, on the pot, of all the places. My son saw it on Tuesday too. The rose my family gave me in memory of my partner.

When my partner was with me, we both had to immediately leave a historic building once as we felt sick, cold, a choking feeling, and he wasn’t into all that stuff. I’m quite perceptive. But there has been nothing at all at home, where he passed away, far too young.

1 Like
10

I lost my Husband in June then our dog a few weeks later, We have both their ashes at home together and I talk to them both everyday, I know it’s still very early days but I don’t care if people think I’m mad, I talk things through with my hubby, I know he can’t reply but when I get a sign and it can be literally anything then that’s enough for me, I’m not religious but believe in something and getting a sign is helping me right now

2 Likes
11

Have to admit grief for me feels like being a bit drunk. Slightly out of control, outside of normal society so no rules, fuzzy head and oh, an inability to talk to anyone who isn’t a widow as every other conversation seems so meaningless but anyone who hasn’t experienced it can’t understand the conversation :heart:

3 Likes
12

Since my husband died earlier this year I rely so much on my dog. So sorry to hear of your double loss x Don’t worry what other people think I talk to my lovely hubbie and my dog all tge time :grinning:

3 Likes
13

my husband died 15 weeks ago and it was lung cancer i talk to davy every night and i think if he comes back ive still got his clothes so all he needs is shoes and a toothbrush and a new set of teeth oh and a jacket even though davy was cremated i just think he could come back nuts i know

1 Like
14

Andy and I should’ve been going on a cruise tomorrow around Eastern Med. I dreamt last night that we were both on the ship but to start with only I could see him but the longer we were at sea, I wished even harder and he came back so everyone could see him! I woke up in tears to the realisation of an empty bed! If only it could be true, how easy would it be to end all our heartache xx😢

6 Likes
15

Yes, we should have been going away today.
I dreamt that he was miffed because I told the hospital to dispose of his sponge bag and razor. It is the one and only time I have had a dream about him.
Xx

1 Like
16

I’ve just followed my notifications to this post. I have been on here too often lately and it appears the option to react to my comments, as helpful and in empathy and sincere I thought they were, as I’m going through this all too, have been turned off. Thanks, admin.

I had my first dream of my partner last night. In the dream, he had emptied a chest of drawers with all my nightwear and underwear. Sorting it out, to get rid of some of it. I was disappointed, and said it should be me sorting it out, and said I only have half an hour for lunch so I won’t have time to eat now.

Then I woke up. Strangely the chest of drawers and position was from my first house, with my first husband, pre-1992 ish. I had thought yesterday about taking some of his clothes to the hospice charity shop. I had also popped into the hospice at the hospital, that we never visited as he was at home, and asked if they wanted any of his brand new unopened medical supplies. They can’t accept anything, so a dustbin bag of new items has been wasted. I understand the reasons.

It must have been playing on my mind, but strange to see him there, in the dream, with all my stuff emptied out of drawers.

Another waffle.

I planned to completely clear my house at the weekend, as much as possible, as I don’t want my son having to do it. I’m worried as I have to have an anaesthetic in a few weeks, and what the findings will be. Please God spare him of losing both parents, in their 50s. I have already typed a list of instructions, the sadmin is a nightmare, he doesn’t get involved in any paperwork, bills etc as it is. I’m trying not to worry him, but we’ve got to have some sort of plan. We all know how ruddy unpredictable life is.

Yes, no reaction button below. We are invisible people, with no space to be ourselves without judgement, or others thinking we want attention, praise, some sort of reward.

4 Likes
17

If you’re having problems with the site please contact the administrators @Alison4 as it might just be a technical glitch - im sure they wouldnt deliberately deactivate anything without at least contacting you and explaining why. You wont see a heart icon on your own posts because you cant like your own comment, but i can certainly see one on your comment and can “like” your post, if thats what you meant. You’re definitely not invisible to us! :people_hugging:

1 Like
18

It’s back, not that it really matters. I could see it on earlier posts, but not these recent ones. I noticed a very angry post from someone about something similar, suggesting it’s some sort of popularity contest. I think some of us are a bit frazzled, grief, lack of sleep etc. In the 5 or 7 stages of bereavement, I’m now on anger, I guess.

Thank you, it was me being too emotional, such a bad day. I know ypu are all there and understand.

3 Likes
19

Not to worry, i think we’ve all been there! Just didnt want you thinking this site somehow had it in for you! :smiling_face:

20

:rofl::rofl: I’m sure many feel that way when they’re up against it! Even the site doesn’t work!