So here we are 20th of December! How the hell did that happen?!
Seems like only 2 minutes ago I left work looking forward to 2 weeks in Cape Verde , me m Da chilling out walking along golden beaches as I turned 50. Then āHereās COVID-19ā turns everything on its head!
The my mums cancer returns , my dad get unofficially diagnosed with dementia, then a week after my beloved husband turned 59 he passes away totally unexpected and very traumatically, that was June!
So how on earth did we get here?
Time just seems to stand still for me , just living day to day , looking after mum n dad , trying to grieve, trying to be a good mum 
Itās never ending , I feel so physically and emotionally drained, sorry probably repeated myself from previous posts x
Iām having mum n dad here for Christmas Day as well as my brother , his with and my niece - why because it will probably be the last Christmas Mum n Dad are with us and my beloved Da , loved Christmas. He said he didnāt but he did , heād be the first one up, in his Christmas onesie , cooking every a breakfast , the dinner on the go, and then would relish everyone telling him how marvellous it was ( thatās a chef for you) xxx
How do I live up to that?
Just hope I do him proud , think that is what is keeping me going 
Dear MrsT1,
I share your dismay at how we find ourselves living a life we donāt recognise. As you say, how do we find ourselves here? Every single day I ask myself is this real ? I so wish it wasnāt.
Losing the love of your life so suddenly propels us into a world we hadnāt planned for and leaves floundering to make sense of anything. The constant reminders of unfulfilled plans and the unfairness of a life ended too soon are hard to bear. Sudden death also adds another dimension to the disorientation of grief. Itās like being abandoned mid journey in unknown territory without a map or a satnav and no navigational skills.
I can also understand how difficult it is to carry on caring for elderly parents without the love and support of your husband. When my elderly father died in June 2019, caring for my mum, even long distance, was a priority within our family. With the tireless support of my husband we coped and then he died suddenly five months later and everything fell apart. I am still struggling to help my mum as I have no idea how to help myself so I do not underestimate the effort it requires from you to support both your parents when you yourself are fragile. Physically and emotionally draining really sums it up.
Thinking of you.xx
Morning, thank you for your reply xx
I took myself off to bed very early last night, decided that it was better to be in bed than sit here feeling lonely and sad
However I was then awake at 4 am, canāt win !
Do I sound as though I donāt want to care for my parents ? If so that is so not the case, I would go the the ends of the earth for them ! I think it is just the whole situation we find ourselves in and as you quite rightly say it is made more difficult as we (I) feel so very very fragile at this time.
Today I am trying to motivate myself to tackle a few little jobs around the house. I will do what I can , and have learned not to beat myself up if I donāt accomplish them all, tomorrow is another day!
I hope you have a good day, take care x
At no point did you imply you didnāt want to care for your parents. Iām mortified to think I may have replied as though you did!
I just find it such a lonely experience trying to do the best for my mum without my husband supporting me all the way. Friends are giving me advice all the time but they have never done this alone. It was my husband who looked after me to enable me to care for my mum and dad and Iām so fearful of running out of energy when my mum needs me most.
You said you hoped you were doing your husband proud. I really think you are. Xx
@Jobar- Oh, please no I didnāt mean that you implied it!!
Sometimes I feel like when I post things it can be construed that way , think maybe that is more of fault of mine!! I am very critical of myself and other think things ( used to drive Dave mad) .
Well , I have managed to get a few things done . In between just staring into space, I tend to do that a lot lately , stand at the patio windows staring at the clouds??
Then I feel the tears start to come and that motivates me to move again, crazyā¦
Iām sighing with you. I canāt make sense of what happened to us all at all.
Taking on Christmas Dinner cooking for the family is a massive task but all these other things you quietly do every day even when you have your insides pounded by the loss of your Da every minute of every day show that through this massive love you have for your family you can do it.
Still, just because you can doesnāt mean you should, I hope you can have your brother or kids help a bit if you can think of some ways they can take bits off you or if you can use any ācheatsā like prepared stuff then try to take any easier options if you can, donāt flog yourself into the ground for one meal to the cost of spending time with them, I hope you resist slaving yourself into the ground completely in pursuit of perfectionā¦ Xx
I am not sure what Iām doing for Xmas, it might be sandwiches we take with us in my Grannieās small smog filled dark flat in Wales while she smokes 10 cigs at once if she will let us inā¦ she doesnāt always even tho itās a 2hr drive, she gets annoyed with my stepdad as he is a very saintly man and so she thinks there must be something she doesnāt know about wrong with him and constantly accuses him of nicking her cutlery and other crimes and then wonāt open the doorā¦ I used to be safe going with RenĆ© as she loved him because he was very direct and so she trusted him and always let us in. He loved her too as she has a lot of fight in her versus the establishment so he liked listening to her stories of rebellion.
Thatās my preferred option as I havenāt seen her since lock down began and she has terminal breast cancer she refuses treatment for. When RenĆ© and I did last visit she was in agony with a big protrusion growing out of her but would only consider half a paracetamol out of all the drugs she had been left by the nurse. RenĆ© played her records for her and she was crying happy tears. We meant to go back sooner so I hope thatās what we do although canāt stay too long as the extreme smoke plays havoc with everyones chests (except hers, she is a medical marvel that it isnāt lung cancer she has instead).
Otherwise my mum has frozen ready meals weāll eat together hopefully (mum, brother, stepdad and me) in one of our houses. I am tempted to just be by myself too with the cats so I can fully avoid Xmas but know my family wonāt accept that and I also know I am lucky to have them and Iād regret it in the future.
Very different to the pampered day RenĆ© and I usually shared with our little cat family in the Christmas cocoon we made each yearā¦ isnāt every day though now. I am starting to get used to it, those days are gone and thatās itā¦ Yes I sigh with you. I hope we can all find it in us to take enjoyment from these things we do still have that weāll miss one day but itās not coming easy is it. Hoping the best for us all that we can be with the people we are with properly and not only with our sadness but it seems a big ask.
p.s saw on another post your brother can no longer come so the idea about help is not valid I see. I hope you can find a way to feel satisfied youāve done a good job without completely exhausting yourself somehow but I donāt know how. I hope you get some lovely new memories with your family somehow too through this overwhelming sadness.